Pseud's Corner

• S - Z

• Sarcasm, I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil

A quote attributed to former Heritage Secretary Peter Brooke in issue 016's 'What They Said', but which actually originates from the nineteenth century English essayist and critic Thomas Carlyle's 'Sartor Resartus', book ii, chapter 4.

• Scott of the Antarctic

'Captain Robert Falcon Scott, polar explorer, man of letters and Barrow fan' proclaimed a sidebar in 'What They Said' in issue 016. We used Scott's famous quotation 'Great God, this is an awful place!' to apply to our visit to Marine, though it could equally well apply to any number of grounds in the UniBond League.

• Shining up their old brown shoes, etc.

The contributors to issue 017 who went to the trouble to 'shine up [their] old brown shoes, put on a brand new shirt, [and] get home early from work' in the credits may or may not have been singing this line from Cheap Trick's 'I Want You to Want Me' while they did so. Originally on the 1977 album 'In Color and in Black and White', but the version on 'Live at the Budokan' is better (especially if you have it on yellow vinyl).

£60,000 for Owen Brown (sixty thousand pounds for Owen Brown)

Another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, used in our breakdown of the traumatic events of 1999 to describe how much former manager Owen Brown reckons he is owed by the club. 'A Pound for a Brown on the Bus' is a track on Zappa's 1969 album 'Uncle Meat'.

• The Smiths

Second only to Zappa for the number of references that have appeared in G'EB! over the years, which isn't bad for a band with only a fraction of his output. Specific instances are listed separately, but general references are as follows:

  • When the beatbox gets smashed in issue 001's 'Away Trip to Bangor' the inhabitants of the van have to resort to 'plenty of badly sung Smiths songs.'
  • Reporting on how he came to be a Barrow supporter in 'Relections (sic) of a Convert' in issue 006, Nick Bland tells how he came to find himself in a car listening to the Smiths on his way to a Barrow away match.
  • In issue 008 we parodied both the lack of progress on the Popular Side roof at that time and the determination of the Smiths' old record company (Roof Trade) to cash in by releasing multitudinous repackages of their hits, by advertising a spoof compilation of songs with titles like 'Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Roofed Me', 'These Things Take Time' and 'Heaven Knows I'm Wet and Miserable Now'.
  • In 'The Truly Never Ending Adventures of Barry Cresswell: Barrow's Greatest Fan in a Parallel Universe Which is Thankfully Sufficiently Different from Ours That He Isn't in It' in issue 016, Barry's final lift into town is ironically with some Enfield supporters who are playing 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out' on the car stereo.
  • 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' is just one of many popular songs that make up the soundtrack of 'The Singing Referee', Joe McFuddle's account of his hospital torment in issue 021.
  • In a letter to the Editor in issue 027 this writer boasted of his continuing pride in his total disinterest in popular music 'since the Smiths broke up' (it shows. Ed.).

CP Snow

Author of the 'Strangers and Brothers' series of novels who we hope would have been quite pleased that a quote from his famous 1959 Cambridge lecture on the 'Two Cultures' would find its way into issue 009's 'Sophist's Choice'.

Some get strong, some get strange, sooner or later it all gets real

Used to introduce the final part of our 1995 FA Cup retrospective, this line is taken from the chorus of 'Walk On', the first track on Neil Young's 1974 album, 'On the Beach'.

Somehow that really impressed me

While it took someone 'killing a policeman when he was thirteen' to impress Morrissey in the Smiths 'I Want the One I Can't Have' on 1984's 'Meat is Murder', all it took to impress Phil McMenemy was Mickey Moore always being the first player at the bar after a match in his 'Almost Legendary but Most Infuriating Open Goal Misses of All Time' in issue 003.

Somuchtoanswerfor

An alternative name for Manchester in 'AFC Worrab and the Missing Millions' in Lucky Thirteen, taken from the refrain 'Oh Manchester, so much to answer for' in 'Suffer Little Children', the final track on the first Smiths album. And replacing 'Manchester' with 'Colchester' provided us with the title of two anti-Colchester United pieces, published in issues 011 and 012.

Sooner or later everything turns to $#¡*

We used this phrase as a neat way of summing up the Second Law of Thermodynamics in issue 009's 'Sophist's Choice' in 1991. So, imagine our surprise when we first saw Woody Allen's 1992 movie 'Husbands and Wives', and discussing her fading sex life, the Anjelica Huston character comes out with: "I guess its the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Sooner or later everything turns to $#¡*. That's not it... that's my line!"

Well actually, it's not your line - it's ours. But it couldn't be, could it? Could it? America's greatest living film director/writer stealing from an obscure English non-League football fanzine? While we raised this possibility in issue 029's 'Triviamania', we eventually had to dismiss it when we realised there was no way he could have seen that particular issue, having only got into G'EB! at a comparatively late stage (according to our records, around issue 015).

So that left him, and he had to do it

From 'A Day at Old Trafford' in issue 034, this alludes to the instruction 'That leaves you, and you'll have to do it' on 'Fair Warning', side one track six of Todd Rundgren's 1974 album 'Initiation'. This, by the way, was listed as the fifth worst album of all time in a recent book of 'Top 1000 Albums', final proof, if any were required, that rock critics are indeed idiots.

Spice Girls

Asked about her house hunting experiences in issue 043's 'Spice, Angels and Devils', Posh Spice is subject to an attack of verbal diarrhoea, and comes out with more Spice Girl references than you would think possible in just the one paragraph, although I suspect many of these are just lameoid pop music cliches generally.

• Karlheinz Stockhausen

The archivist at the House of Wags in issue 020's 'Down Memory Lane' is perhaps better known as the renowned avant garde German composer, a pioneer of electronic music in the mid-1950s.

Strange days indeed

Most peculiar Mama. Used in 'AFC Worrab and the Missing Millions' in Lucky Thirteen, this is taken from John Lennon's song 'Nobody Told Me', released posthumously, I think.

The strangest of the strange. The lamest of the lame. The strongest of the strong. The dumbest of the dumb.

These words, which introduce the FA Cup 1995 retrospective in issue 024, misquote the refrain in the song 'Queer' from the first album by the group Garbage, itself released in 1995.

• Ivan Stravinsky Stravar

Another letter in issue 023's Barrow AFC International Supporters Club European Postbag purports to be from an 'Ivan Stravinsky Stravar, Slovakia.' Well, I've got news for Ivan. We rumbled his pseudonym. I don't suppose he knew that we know that 'Ivan Stravinsky Stravar' is the title of an old Russian folk song, also known as Ivan Scavinsky Scavar, Ivan Skavinsky Skavar, Ivan Skavinsky Skiva, Ivan Skivitsky Skivar, Ivan Skitavitsky Skivar, and Ivan Petrofsky Skevar, and has links to the Arabic folk tune 'Abdullah Bulbul Amir' and all the multiple variations on that name that we're not going to go into here. So there. We are indebted to Florence E Brunning's 'Folk Song Index' for this information.

• Quentin Tarantino and Reservoir Dogs

There have been a number of references to Quentin Tarantino, 'Reservoir Dogs' and some of his other films in G'EB! over the years, viz:

  • In issue 016's 'Lookalikes' we noted the remarkable resemblance between the Dogs gang and former Barnet chairman Stan Flashman.
  • In issue 018's 'Chelsea...? Who are They?' Michael Gibson is referred to as the Quentin Tarantino of non-League Football, in recognition of his violent, but wholly justified, reactions to the indignities heaped upon him by a variety of workmates who claim to support various Premier League teams.
  • The problem of who shot Nice Guy Eddie has exercised fans of the film since its release, but in issue 025's 'Triviamania' we raised the lesser known question of 'Who turned off the radio in the warehouse after the torture scene?' to which the Editor suggested the intriguing but wildly speculative theory that it was Brad Pitt.
  • 'Reservoir Ducks', a spoof cover featuring Mr (Jimmy) Brown, Mr (Andy) Green, Nice Guy Eddie (Kennedy), and Not Such A Nice Guy Billy (Kenny), never made it past the planning stage, but was at least honoured with a description in the present writer's letter to the Editor in issue 026, and the status of a game 'Inside the Give 'Em Beans! Computer' on the back cover of issue 029.
  • Production problems put paid to a spoof Jackie Brown cover for issue 034, though it can now be viewed on this site.

That kind of thing being very popular nowadays

The songs on side four of Todd Rundgren's 1972 classic double album 'Something/ Anything?' were arranged into a 'pop operetta... that kind of thing being very popular nowadays', as Todd explained in the sleeve notes. We hoped that kind of thing was still popular when we reorganised issue 042's 'Spice, Angels and Devils' into a film script for this site.

• There is no God but God

This title of an issue 008 article on the great Cowps is a quote from 'Miracle in the Bazaar' from the 1985 Todd Rundgren album 'A Capella'.

• They want to reproduce...

Possibly another unconscious tiresome Frank Zappa reference on behalf of the present Ed. The desire of the alien Alan Shearer interviewed in issue 037 to reproduce with Earthlings mirrors the desire of the aliens in the track 'The Radio is Broken' from Zappa's 1983 album 'The Man fom Utopia', to reproduce with, among others, John Agar, Richard Basehart and Sonny Tufts, after having 'fall[en] in love on Uranus' (tee, hee!), of course.

• Leo Tolstoy?

The clip art of an old geezer used to illustrate the piece on the 'Gypsy King of Holker Street' in issue 037 may yet turn out to be just that - clip art of an old geezer - but it looks suspiciously like some nineteenth century Russian novelist to me. You know the style; immense beard, tatty suit. He's not Dostoevsky, and though he bears a passing resemblance to a younger Tolstoy, I can't be sure.

Twenty-Three

Anyone who has read Robert Wilson and Robert Shea's 'Illuminatus' trilogy will be aware of the alleged cosmic significance of the number twenty-three. Conspiracy theorists everywhere may like to ponder the fact that if Give 'Em Beans! had folded when it looked like it might, the last issue would have been no.23.

• Arthur Two-Sheds

Harry Tenshillings was the absolutely cringemaking name given by Old Ed's Mother-in-Law to what was to become one of the 'Editor's Baby's Cuddly Toy XI 1995-96' on the back cover of issue 023. Well, obviously that had to go and Harry/ Arthur was honorably and ceremonially re-christened with the name that immediately suggested itself as a sensible replacement, taken from the classic old Monty Python sketch about one man and his shed, sorry... his two sheds.

Was Vic There?

...asked Graham Murphy in issue 015's Away Trip to Buxton. It is still not clear who Vic was, never mind if he was there, or indeed, if this is an allusion to the classic Department S no.22 punk hit of 1981, 'Is Vic There?'

• Watt Difference Does It Make?

Terrible, if obvious, pun on the song on the first Smiths album used for an article querying Steve Watt's extended loan period at Netherfield in issue 019.

• What They Said

Terrible, if obvious, pun on the song 'What She Said' on the Smiths album 'Meat is Murder' used for a collection of real and imagined quotes from the 1992-93 season in issue 016.

• We are the Champions

When Old Ed was the victim of a clumsy blackmail attempt by New Ed in issue 027 he was pictured lounging in a deckchair listening to his Walkman (oops, it wasn't a Sony... his 'personal stereo'; don't want to get sued now, do we?). Accused of tuning in, turning on and nodding off to Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, he was stung into writing a letter pointing out that he was in fact listening to 'We are the Champions' by Queen, a song previously denounced as 'risible' by New Ed in our 'A to Z of non-League Football' in issue 029. However, what the letter didn't point out was the inherent contradiction between the Queen A-Z entry and the words 'people who believe the Brian May records are just as good as Queen's ever were' in the Ed's account of his 'Away Trip to Buxton' in issue 015. So, Ed, which is it to be?

When all the roads that get you there are winding...

For an awful moment I thought that this quote from Oasis 'Wonderwall' used in issue 024's 'FA Cup Retrospective 1995' was going to be the first alphabetically in this whole list. But when I remembered that it began with 'when', and not 'all' the relief was almost orgasmic. After all there was no way we were going to allow this bunch of no-hope Manks to be the first on these pages. I mean, what sort of standard would that have led people to expect? Exactly.

• Jo Whiley

In issue 038 we suggested that the vast and encyclopaedic knowledge of popular music you see displayed here was all a result of our intimate acquaintance with Channel 4's Jo Whiley programme. This is, of course, complete ßø!!ø¢#$. It was really just a pretext to write a piece on one of the most compellingly terrible programmes in the history of television. Our definitive critique of the Jo Whiley show (before the Editor edited in all the errors) went something like this...

'As you may have suspected, a proper appreciation of G'EB! is incomplete without a knowledge of all our references to contemporary pop music - all those Roni Size, Manic Street Preachers and Celine Dion allusions we cunningly stash away in each issue for your delight and edification.

But if you don't know your Abba from your Aqua, your Fun Lovin' Criminals from your Fine Young Cannibals or even your Soft* Furry Animals, then don't worry; neither do we. We just make it all up after watching Channel 4's 'Jo Whiley Show', a programme with the awful fascination of a road accident.

Yes, it's all here. Gape open mouthed as Jo, rictus Dentigripped securely across her face, fawns all over all the really thick and inarticulate pop 'stars' from the tuneless indie and drum 'n' bass bands you're glad you've never heard of. Gasp with astonishment as Jo probes Shaun Ryder for his, um, insights into the Madchester culture. Marvel as Jo presses Sophie out of theaudience for her thoughts on the Robbie Williams 'phenomenon'. Stare wide eyed in amazement at how anyone can discuss any of this stuff as if it is of any importance whatsoever.

At this point, cue fantasy Jo Whiley exchange with some bona fide musical giant, say, the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson, just to try and bring some reality back to the proceedings...

Jo: A track there from the new Massive Attack album which is released on Monday. So Brian, that is right at the cutting edge of dance music in the late nineties, wouldn't you agree?

Brian: No Jo, its totally unlistenable; complete $#¡*£! If they had any ability, they'd be playing jazz!

*Please don't e-mail us... we know. It's a joke... well, nearly.

• Who is Harry Holker and Why is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?

The title of this issue 009 article is based on 'Who is Harry Kellerman and Why is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?', a 1971 film starring Dustin Hoffman as a disillusioned singer-songwriter. I've never seen this film, but it's the sort of title that sticks in your mind.

• Neil Young

In addition to the quote from 'Walk On' above, there have been further references to the great Canadian singer-songwriter in G'EB! over the years, namely...

  • When a player named Neil Young made a few appearances for Barrow under Graham Heathcote it was just too good an opportunity to pass up to include a quote from 'Heart of Gold' in issue 016's 'What They Said'.
  • 'Southern Man' from the 1970 'After the Goldrush' album inspired the Columnist With No Name to write Neil's name on the school wall near his home when he was about fifteen, an event of side-splitting hilarity recorded for posterity in issue 019 and elsewhere on this site.
  • Lucky Thirteen, our free issue given away with issue 021 is also the title of a 1993 Neil Young 'Greatest Hits' compilation released by Geffen Records after his departure from that label.
  • 'See the losers in the best bars/Meet the winners in the dives/Where the people are the real stars/All the rest of their lives.' Though this quote does not itself appear, it was these words, from 'Sail Away' (side one, track five of Neil's 1977 album 'Rust Never Sleeps'), that we had in mind when we replied '...the qualities of resilience and fortitude required to support Barrow on a long term basis are enough to confer a form of celebrity on anyone with the stamina to do so' in answer to the Celebrity Barrow fans? question in our When Saturday Comes interview.

• Frank Zappa

If you ignored our warning and read this far then you'll know there are more references to Zappa than there are to any other figure, which, considering that he released nearly sixty albums in a career of over 25 years, is absolutely how it should be. The first ever Zappa reference in G'EB! however was not until issue 012 when we called Adrian Juste a 'drivelling English deejay doing his impersonation of Frank Zappa doing his impersonation of a drivelling American deejay' (check out MC Buddy Jones on 'Joe's Garage Part 1' to see what I mean). Following the deaths of both Zappa and Sir Matt Busby in late 1993, issue 019 was dedicated to them jointly with the words 'two men with probably nothing in common except mastery of their chosen field.'

back

top

next