Give ’Em Beans! - L-R of non-League Football

The L-R of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL

• Lancaster City

Like our Wembley opponents Leek Town, famous for a 3-0 result at Holker St., except it was they who came out victors in an ATS Trophy match in 1992. And guess what…? Yes, they did it again, this time in a President's Cup game in December 1993. Oh well, at least we got a goal that time.

• Leather

L for 'Leather'. Geddit…? Hell for leather. Other than that, there's not much to say except it's what footballs are made of, even in the North West Counties League.

• Leek Town

Thumped 3-0 by Barrow at Wembley in the FA Trophy final in 1990 and thumped 3-0 by Barrow again in an NPL fixture in October 1993. Likely to be thumped 3-0 again when we meet in the UniBond next season. (Yes, Michael; they thumped us 1-4 at home, if you remember!)

• Linesmen

Despite what some people say, they have an important job to do. From time to time they wave a funny coloured flag which indicates to spectators that Barrow are about to launch an attack on goal. At least that's what it seems like sometimes.

• Losing, Serial

You've all heard of serial killers, right? Well, in the 1999-2000 UniBond season Winsford United came up with the concept of 'serial losing.' That is, they didn't just lose their regular quota of games, they lost them all, one after the other. It's also something that Alfreton Town, Whitley Bay, Stafford Rangers, Frickley Athletic, Matlock Town and Hereford United have done quite a lot of at various times in recent years, and something which is not unknown for Barrow to indulge in from time to time.

• Lowe, Kenny

The 'Glenn Hoddle of non-League' played for several League clubs after his departure from Barrow in 1991. So did that make him the 'Glenn Hoddle of the Football League'? Now he's a manager, can he do a 'Glenn Hoddle' here at Barrow, we wonder? (even though we're not quite sure whether a 'Glenn Hoddle' is a good thing or a bad thing).

• 'L' Plates

To be introduced for all referees and linesmen in the UniBond from next season.

• Matlock Town

Way back in issue 012 we printed their nickname as the 'Gladioli'. People sometimes ask us if this was a misprint. No, it wasn't.

• McKenna

You will find this one in any good medical dictionary and it will of course tell you that a McKenna is 'a groin strain of supernatural or possibly hypnotic origin.'

• Morecambe

We let Vinnie do this one, but unfortunately the result was unprintable.

• Morton, Neil

'Walking in a Morton Wonderland' sang the Barrow fans. Yes, wondering whether Neil could be bothered in that game or not, no doubt?

• Mossley

Once upon a time, they were Barrow's 'bogey' team. Now all they have to look forward to is being Holker Old Boys bogey team.

• Nationwide Conference

Sponsors of the senior competition in non-League, the unofficial fifth division. For those teams in the feeder leagues, the Conference is Mecca, the Holy Grail and a lottery jackpot all rolled into one. And one day, Barrow will regain their place in it, which we lost again in 1999.

• Netherfield Kendal

Long time no-hopers who have recently added the town that they play in to their name. So why are they called Netherfield? Because they'll never field a side capable of getting out of Division One of the UniBond, that's why!

• Northampton Town

Yes, we know... but judging by their average League position over the last few seasons it's only a matter of time.

• Northern League

Italian right wing political organisation and main pyramid feeder league in the North East of England. Back in issue 017 we had some fun with a newspaper cutting that read 'Northern League keeps trying to prove its virility.' Unfortunately, for most ex-Northern League teams that visited Holker St. 'proving your virility' still seemed to mean kicking, punching, elbowing, gouging, retaliating, ankle tapping, shirt pulling, etc., etc.

• Northwich Victoria

Okay, so they used to get the better of Barrow more often than not, but to me the Vics are the embodiment of the continuing mediocrity of most Conference teams. Life must be so interesting if you're a Northwich fan... mid-table each season, third round of the FA Trophy (then lose to Barrow), and maybe a run in the Endsleigh if you're really lucky.

• 'O'

...is for O'Brien (Marine), O'Connor (Northwich Victoria) and 'Oh for Cowps sake, what sort of a team goes two-nil up and then goes and loses by letting a bunch of clowns like Knowsley score three in two minutes?' (Answer: Barrow).

• Plagiarism

Plagiarism is rife in non-League fanzine circles. We stole that last entry, for instance, from the old Cheltenham Town fanzine The Robin and we've even been known to plagiarise ourselves before now. Compare our entry for Northampton Town above, with this, our original definition for our friends from Hereford United: 'Going by their League positions over recent seasons, this is one dream [of their becoming a non-League club once again], that's likely to come true.' And you know what... we were right!

• Parillon, Ollie

This former Barrow, Morecambe and Accrington defender is in the wrong place, of course. We should really have entered him under 'C' for 'Cool', 'Cultured' and 'Classy'.

• Proctor

Another one you can check out in the medical dictionary. Any cut or gash to the forehead that requires nine stitches or more is known as a 'Proctor.'

• Qazi

There was a hiatus of five issues before the appearance of any entries for 'Q' in issue 029. Well, you try and find something to do with non-League football beginning with that most queer (damn!) of letters. Anyway, the answer was staring us in the face all the time in every edition of the matchday programme. Yes, there it is... Club Doctor - Dr. Qazi. In the event, we also came up with the following rather contrived instances...

• Queer

...as in (no, not what you're thinking) 'that was a queer do!' when Barrow give away three goals to no-hopers like Droylsden and Winsford United.

• Queen

Crap pop group who were still crap when Freddie Mercury was alive (Er, this somewhat contradicts what you wrote in your 'Away Trip to Buxton' in 1992. Online Ed.). Responsible for more bad songs than anyone else on the planet except perhaps George Michael (Oh yeah, what about Alanis Morrisette? Online Ed. ), the worst of which, the risible 'We Are The Champions', is used by some teams to accompany their entry onto the pitch. And if you have to go to those lengths to make out you're any good, you have to be pretty pathetic in the first place.

• Queen of the South

A second rate Scottish team, who play in Dumfries and are also known as a home for ex-Barrow strikers who never wanted to leave the club in the first place.

• Roy of the Rovers

A player which Kenny Lowe would give his right arm for. Just where is Barrow's Roy of the Rovers who will get us back into the Conference and ultimately back into our rightful place in the Football League?

• Runcorn

For many years a force in the Conference, but relegated to the UniBond in 1997. Serves 'em right. Pathetic ground, useless players (except those who came to play for Barrow like lan Harrold), may they have many happy years in the UniBond. And may this season be the last we have to go there.

• Rugby

The game, not the large town in the Midlands. There were two separate codes of rugby; league for professionals and union for amateurs. Both of which had funny shaped balls. Must be the weather. Anyway, never the twain would meet, or if they did, fire and brimstone would descend from the heavens onto the poor, unfortunate miscreants' heads. Now that amateurism has been abolished, the only difference between the codes is that one plays 13-a-side and the other 15-a-side. They still have funny shaped balls, though. Expect a unification of both codes within the next five years, and the eventual demise of the local Craven Park outfit as Millom and Walney Central beat them in the Challenge Cup. After all, everyone else has.

• Ryman League

Another of the feeder leagues to the Conference, but unique in that any match for a team in this league is effectively a home match since the clubs in it are all about two miles away from each other around the M25.

The L-R of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL
• Lancaster City Like our Wembley opponents Leek Town, famous for a 3-0 result at Holker St., except it was they who came out victors in an ATS Trophy match in 1992. And guess what…? Yes, they did it again, this time in a President's Cup game in December 1993. Oh well, at least we got a goal that time. • Leather L for 'Leather'. Geddit…? Hell for leather. Other than that, there's not much to say except it's what footballs are made of, even in the North West Counties League. • Leek Town Thumped 3-0 by Barrow at Wembley in the FA Trophy final in 1990 and thumped 3-0 by Barrow again in an NPL fixture in October 1993. Likely to be thumped 3-0 again when we meet in the UniBond next season. (Yes, Michael; they thumped us 1-4 at home, if you remember!) • Linesmen Despite what some people say, they have an important job to do. From time to time they wave a funny coloured flag which indicates to spectators that Barrow are about to launch an attack on goal. At least that's what it seems like sometimes. • Losing, Serial You've all heard of serial killers, right? Well, in the 1999-2000 UniBond season Winsford United came up with the concept of 'serial losing.' That is, they didn't just lose their regular quota of games, they lost them all, one after the other. It's also something that Alfreton Town, Whitley Bay, Stafford Rangers, Frickley Athletic, Matlock Town and Hereford United have done quite a lot of at various times in recent years, and something which is not unknown for Barrow to indulge in from time to time. • Lowe, Kenny The 'Glenn Hoddle of non-League' played for several League clubs after his departure from Barrow in 1991. So did that make him the 'Glenn Hoddle of the Football League'? Now he's a manager, can he do a 'Glenn Hoddle' here at Barrow, we wonder? (even though we're not quite sure whether a 'Glenn Hoddle' is a good thing or a bad thing). • 'L' Plates To be introduced for all referees and linesmen in the UniBond from next season. • Matlock Town Way back in issue 012 we printed their nickname as the 'Gladioli'. People sometimes ask us if this was a misprint. No, it wasn't. • McKenna You will find this one in any good medical dictionary and it will of course tell you that a McKenna is 'a groin strain of supernatural or possibly hypnotic origin.' • Morecambe We let Vinnie do this one, but unfortunately the result was unprintable. • Morton, Neil 'Walking in a Morton Wonderland' sang the Barrow fans. Yes, wondering whether Neil could be bothered in that game or not, no doubt? • Mossley Once upon a time, they were Barrow's 'bogey' team. Now all they have to look forward to is being Holker Old Boys bogey team. • Nationwide Conference Sponsors of the senior competition in non-League, the unofficial fifth division. For those teams in the feeder leagues, the Conference is Mecca, the Holy Grail and a lottery jackpot all rolled into one. And one day, Barrow will regain their place in it, which we lost again in 1999. • Netherfield Kendal Long time no-hopers who have recently added the town that they play in to their name. So why are they called Netherfield? Because they'll never field a side capable of getting out of Division One of the UniBond, that's why! • Northampton Town Yes, we know... but judging by their average League position over the last few seasons it's only a matter of time. • Northern League Italian right wing political organisation and main pyramid feeder league in the North East of England. Back in issue 017 we had some fun with a newspaper cutting that read 'Northern League keeps trying to prove its virility.' Unfortunately, for most ex-Northern League teams that visited Holker St. 'proving your virility' still seemed to mean kicking, punching, elbowing, gouging, retaliating, ankle tapping, shirt pulling, etc., etc. • Northwich Victoria Okay, so they used to get the better of Barrow more often than not, but to me the Vics are the embodiment of the continuing mediocrity of most Conference teams. Life must be so interesting if you're a Northwich fan... mid-table each season, third round of the FA Trophy (then lose to Barrow), and maybe a run in the Endsleigh if you're really lucky. • 'O' ...is for O'Brien (Marine), O'Connor (Northwich Victoria) and 'Oh for Cowps sake, what sort of a team goes two-nil up and then goes and loses by letting a bunch of clowns like Knowsley score three in two minutes?' (Answer: Barrow). • Plagiarism Plagiarism is rife in non-League fanzine circles. We stole that last entry, for instance, from the old Cheltenham Town fanzine The Robin and we've even been known to plagiarise ourselves before now. Compare our entry for Northampton Town above, with this, our original definition for our friends from Hereford United: 'Going by their League positions over recent seasons, this is one dream [of their becoming a non-League club once again], that's likely to come true.' And you know what... we were right! • Parillon, Ollie This former Barrow, Morecambe and Accrington defender is in the wrong place, of course. We should really have entered him under 'C' for 'Cool', 'Cultured' and 'Classy'. • Proctor Another one you can check out in the medical dictionary. Any cut or gash to the forehead that requires nine stitches or more is known as a 'Proctor.' • Qazi There was a hiatus of five issues before the appearance of any entries for 'Q' in issue 029. Well, you try and find something to do with non-League football beginning with that most queer (damn!) of letters. Anyway, the answer was staring us in the face all the time in every edition of the matchday programme. Yes, there it is... Club Doctor - Dr. Qazi. In the event, we also came up with the following rather contrived instances... • Queer ...as in (no, not what you're thinking) 'that was a queer do!' when Barrow give away three goals to no-hopers like Droylsden and Winsford United. • Queen Crap pop group who were still crap when Freddie Mercury was alive (Er, this somewhat contradicts what you wrote in your 'Away Trip to Buxton' in 1992. Online Ed.). Responsible for more bad songs than anyone else on the planet except perhaps George Michael (Oh yeah, what about Alanis Morrisette? Online Ed. ), the worst of which, the risible 'We Are The Champions', is used by some teams to accompany their entry onto the pitch. And if you have to go to those lengths to make out you're any good, you have to be pretty pathetic in the first place. • Queen of the South A second rate Scottish team, who play in Dumfries and are also known as a home for ex-Barrow strikers who never wanted to leave the club in the first place. • Roy of the Rovers A player which Kenny Lowe would give his right arm for. Just where is Barrow's Roy of the Rovers who will get us back into the Conference and ultimately back into our rightful place in the Football League? • Runcorn For many years a force in the Conference, but relegated to the UniBond in 1997. Serves 'em right. Pathetic ground, useless players (except those who came to play for Barrow like lan Harrold), may they have many happy years in the UniBond. And may this season be the last we have to go there. • Rugby The game, not the large town in the Midlands. There were two separate codes of rugby; league for professionals and union for amateurs. Both of which had funny shaped balls. Must be the weather. Anyway, never the twain would meet, or if they did, fire and brimstone would descend from the heavens onto the poor, unfortunate miscreants' heads. Now that amateurism has been abolished, the only difference between the codes is that one plays 13-a-side and the other 15-a-side. They still have funny shaped balls, though. Expect a unification of both codes within the next five years, and the eventual demise of the local Craven Park outfit as Millom and Walney Central beat them in the Challenge Cup. After all, everyone else has. • Ryman League Another of the feeder leagues to the Conference, but unique in that any match for a team in this league is effectively a home match since the clubs in it are all about two miles away from each other around the M25.