BUXTON 0 BARROW 4 HFS Loans League Premier Division 6 September 1992 by Graham Murphy
Buxton must be the most elusive ground in the HFS Loans League. It's so hard to find we could have done with the talents of Anneka Rice to help us. There is nothing more frustrating than driving around aimlessly, desperately looking for a floodlight peeping over a row of houses particularly when kick-off was ten minutes ago. This sorry saga all began when the cat brought a mouse into the house. Now our cat plays with mice a little like Cowps used to play with the ball at the corner flag, and in the process of separating cat and mouse I lost sight of the mouse. Despite a long and thorough search of the house which would have done Special Branch proud, no mouse was to be found. Just as I was about to leave for the hour and a half journey to Buxton the cat found the mouse again. After a titanic struggle, the mouse was secured in a pyrex dish and dispatched over the garden wall (thanks, kids!) and so I set off with my navigator Gazza (not that one) at twenty to two. Well, even Gazza can direct me down the M56 and then Macclesfield via Wilmslow, but why does everyone decide to get in their car and go somewhere else when I'm trying to make the kick-off at three o'clock? Macclesfield, the armpit of the Peak District, was choked with traffic, but Gazza was still describing the 'bit of stuff' he'd seen in Wilmslow. In fact, he was so absorbed with this description that we only vaguely registered that the only road to our destination was completely closed. Why? Had John Major had to offer it to the Germans to get out of the ERM? Perhaps Buxton are even now preparing their application to the Bundesliga as Bayern Moenchen Buxton? So we find ourselves driving hopefully out of the way at quarter to three following a diversion to Chapel-en-le-Frith which is probably in Switzerland. A signpost sent us down a narrow lane and put us back on the Macclesfield - Buxton road. Great... we might make it yet! However, we hadn't reckoned with two cars behind an articulated trailer travelling at 25mph. Where do these people come from? I mean we put our blue and white scarves out of the car window so everyone knows we are going to a football match, and football matches on Saturday afternoons always start at three o'clock. So why don't they pull over and let us pass? Then, when we do overtake they flash us. What is it with these people? They are probably Queen fans who think the Brian May records are just as good as Queen ever were. I bet they pick programme five when they go to the carwash, so that their car is dried after the wash sequence. Why does anybody do that? If it's raining the car gets wet again, and if it's not, the car dries in ten minutes anyway! You know, the prat who rings up Danny Baker on Radio Five at five past six on a Saturday evening to complain that he misses Match of the Day because it starts before the pubs close and why can't the BBC put it on an hour later, and then says that he can't afford a video recorder because he spends all his money down the pub? Well, he's the driver of these cars that keep slowing us down and flashing us when we overtake. Then, when we pass him, he takes a short cut and gets in front of us again! So then we get to Buxton at ten past three, desperate to find the ground. The Non-League Directory says 'From Buxton Market Place, opposite the County Police HQ and TA Drill Hall'. But the police headquarters and drill hall aren't signposted in the market place and even worse, it is so full of stalls we can't see the street names behind them. We were on our third circuit, trying each street in turn when we realised we were about to turn right into one we'd already been down. So we rejoin the traffic going straight on, and the mini behind us flashes and gives us the standard friendly greeting. What is going on? Where does this guy come from? Fifteen minutes later we find the ground in the only street running from the market place that we haven't tried yet. Why is it always the last one that's the right one? Of course all the programmes have sold out. Going to a match, missing the kick-off, and not getting a programme - it's a bit like premature ejaculation, or so I'm told. Just as you've identified the players and are settling into the game, everyone troops off for half-time and you're left contemplating your navel! Now, if I hadn't been in such a state of frustration, I might have tried to report the second half, but I didn't know the Buxton players' names. Gazza had a pen and a couple of scraps of paper, so we asked some Barrow supporters who were lucky enough to have a programme. Just then, the teams were announced over the PA but I scribbled them down so quickly that I can't read my own writing. Gazza wrote down the goalscorers, but forgot to include the substitutions until I reminded him, so all the notes are out of sequence. Gazza suggested that I get my dictaphone, but I prefer to use a finger. Anyway, it was a good win. It was great to see lots of support for Barrow in such an out of the way place, and nice to see Mick Hucknall amongst the Barrow fans behind the goal, but was Vic there? And on the way home, guess what...? We overtook a slow moving car, and as we pulled in, the driver of the car coming the other way flashed us! Aaaargh! Issue 015 - March 1993