Give ’Em Beans! - E-K of non-League Football

The E-K of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL

• Endsleigh Trophy

The Conference League Cup. And a very prestigious trophy it is too, the draw for each round being eagerly awaited by players, management and fans alike.

• Errors

There are lots of these in every issue of Beans! Our article So Haunt Me!, elsewhere in these pages lists just a few, but for our policy statement on apologies you'll have to buy issue 016 of Give 'Em Beans! and read page two.

• Fanzines, Inverse Law of

A theory, first put forward in one of the Sunday papers (one of those with lots of bits - we don't take the News of the Screws here, we'll have you know) which states that the quality of a team's fanzine is inversely proportional to its league status. This means the further down the Pyramid a team is then the better the fanzine(s) produced by its supporters. So while most Premier League fanzines are crap, those in the UniBond are at least pretty good, but by far the best one of all (or so Michael tells me) is brought out by the supporter of the Peacock Road Co-operative Society Sports and Social Club XI who play in the Haslingden and District Sunday League Division Five.

• Farrell

(vb.) When a creative and cultured midfield player is continually left on the substitutes bench for no discernible reason he is said to have been 'Farrelled.' The term is believed to derive from Phileas Farrell, the deceptively talented playmaker who was forever being passed over by the manager of the 1891 Corinthian Casuals side in favour of the more robust competitive approach of his arch rival, Sir Septimus Gilmour.

• Fleetwood Freeport

Fleetwood Freeport are the town's recently formed club, replacing Fleetwood Town who disappeared in mysterious circumstances three or four years ago. They are perhaps best remembered for their grey and black kit of the 1992-93 season, which had been specially designed to harmonize with the usual colour of the sky over this magnificent resort.

• Football League

What any self-respecting non-League side aspires to and the rightful home of at least one of them. But in these days of ground grading the big challenge for most clubs is getting through the Conference... 'No, I'm sorry... that weed growing in that crack in the terrace constitutes a safety hazard. You'll have to resurface the whole ground before we let your little club into our little club!'

• Gainsborough Trinity

After Boston United, Lincolnshire's most successful non-League football club. Known as Trinity since in their 130 year history they have had three good players.

• Gateshead

The North East's 'big' minor league club. Now back in the UniBond, one of the enduring mysteries of non-League was how they managed to stay in the Conference year after year given their awful playing record and even worse crowds.

• Give 'Em Beans!

Mediocre and overpriced UniBond fanzine with literary pretensions. Never mind going on line, it has never been the same since it started using a desktop publisher and stopped running Kevin Proctor and Paul Slater sunbed jokes.

• Grass

What the pitch is made of at most non-League football clubs, even Hyde United these days.

• God

Our apologies, if you arrived here via the Colin Cowperthwaite link, but if you actually read this far, then we can say that G is for 'Gosh! Aren't you getting bored with this yet?' I am. I mean, it wasn't even my idea in the first place. 'Why don't we do an A to Z of non-League football?' said Clint, but after A for @®$£#ø!£$ (not used, for obvious reasons), his suggestions dried up. Typical. Still, only another nineteen letters to go.

• Goole Town

In fact, I'm getting so fed up, I can't even be bothered to think up anything for this. So how about a definiton lifted from John Lloyd and Douglas Adams' 'The Meaning of Liff'? According to them a Goole is: 'The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.'

• Heathcote, Graham

In issue 016 we promised that we'd never print his name again in Give 'Em Beans! This is what is commonly known as 'a lie'. In fact, there's even an interview with him and John King around here somewhere.

• Hereford United

Often referred to as H*r*f*rd, follow the link and you'll find out just why we disapprove of them so much.

• Hesketh, Tony

Much maligned manager of Barrow between 1994-96. Currently much maligned manager of Lancaster City. Still, he did give us an interview when he first joined the club, so he's cool with us.

• HFS Loans League

Prior to UniBond, sponsor of the Northern Premier League and the subject of some speculation in issues 012 and 014 as to what the initials HFS actually stood for. Well, as we eventually discovered, it was Homeowner's Financial Services, but unfortunately the company went into liquidation, which, considering the gates of most of the clubs in this league was Hardly ƒ*¢#¡>¿ Surprising, really!

• Holker Old Boys

Second most famous club in the Furness area. Yes, there is more than one!

• Home Advantage

I don't know if statistics would back this up, but it seems to me that home advantage counts for less in non-League than in League football, though at one time in the late eighties Barrow were virtually impregnable at home. So what happened?

• Isthmian League

Former name of what is now known as the Ryman League. Home to such Conference has beens as Enfield, Sutton United, Dagenham and Redbridge, Aylesbury United and Wealdstone.

• Juventus

Juventus play in the Peterborough and District League. And somewhere in Italy there's a team of overpaid and overrated prima donnas who stole their name.

• Kettering Town

According to 'The Meaning of Liff', Kettering are 'the marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.' Quite.

• Kidderminster Harriers

There isn't a definition of a Kidderminster in 'The Meaning of Liff'. If there were it would probably be something like 'a vicar who keeps introducing agonising puns into his sermons in the mistaken belief that this will somehow make him 'with it'.'

The E-K of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL
• Endsleigh Trophy The Conference League Cup. And a very prestigious trophy it is too, the draw for each round being eagerly awaited by players, management and fans alike. • Errors There are lots of these in every issue of Beans! Our article So Haunt Me!, elsewhere in these pages lists just a few, but for our policy statement on apologies you'll have to buy issue 016 of Give 'Em Beans! and read page two. • Fanzines, Inverse Law of A theory, first put forward in one of the Sunday papers (one of those with lots of bits - we don't take the News of the Screws here, we'll have you know) which states that the quality of a team's fanzine is inversely proportional to its league status. This means the further down the Pyramid a team is then the better the fanzine(s) produced by its supporters. So while most Premier League fanzines are crap, those in the UniBond are at least pretty good, but by far the best one of all (or so Michael tells me) is brought out by the supporter of the Peacock Road Co-operative Society Sports and Social Club XI who play in the Haslingden and District Sunday League Division Five. • Farrell (vb.) When a creative and cultured midfield player is continually left on the substitutes bench for no discernible reason he is said to have been 'Farrelled.' The term is believed to derive from Phileas Farrell, the deceptively talented playmaker who was forever being passed over by the manager of the 1891 Corinthian Casuals side in favour of the more robust competitive approach of his arch rival, Sir Septimus Gilmour. • Fleetwood Freeport Fleetwood Freeport are the town's recently formed club, replacing Fleetwood Town who disappeared in mysterious circumstances three or four years ago. They are perhaps best remembered for their grey and black kit of the 1992-93 season, which had been specially designed to harmonize with the usual colour of the sky over this magnificent resort. • Football League What any self-respecting non-League side aspires to and the rightful home of at least one of them. But in these days of ground grading the big challenge for most clubs is getting through the Conference... 'No, I'm sorry... that weed growing in that crack in the terrace constitutes a safety hazard. You'll have to resurface the whole ground before we let your little club into our little club!' • Gainsborough Trinity After Boston United, Lincolnshire's most successful non-League football club. Known as Trinity since in their 130 year history they have had three good players. • Gateshead The North East's 'big' minor league club. Now back in the UniBond, one of the enduring mysteries of non-League was how they managed to stay in the Conference year after year given their awful playing record and even worse crowds. • Give 'Em Beans! Mediocre and overpriced UniBond fanzine with literary pretensions. Never mind going on line, it has never been the same since it started using a desktop publisher and stopped running Kevin Proctor and Paul Slater sunbed jokes. • Grass What the pitch is made of at most non-League football clubs, even Hyde United these days. • God Our apologies, if you arrived here via the Colin Cowperthwaite link, but if you actually read this far, then we can say that G is for 'Gosh! Aren't you getting bored with this yet?' I am. I mean, it wasn't even my idea in the first place. 'Why don't we do an A to Z of non-League football?' said Clint, but after A for @®$£#ø!£$ (not used, for obvious reasons), his suggestions dried up. Typical. Still, only another nineteen letters to go. • Goole Town In fact, I'm getting so fed up, I can't even be bothered to think up anything for this. So how about a definiton lifted from John Lloyd and Douglas Adams' 'The Meaning of Liff'? According to them a Goole is: 'The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.' • Heathcote, Graham In issue 016 we promised that we'd never print his name again in Give 'Em Beans! This is what is commonly known as 'a lie'. In fact, there's even an interview with him and John King around here somewhere. • Hereford United Often referred to as Hrfrd, follow the link and you'll find out just why we disapprove of them so much. • Hesketh, Tony* Much maligned manager of Barrow between 1994-96. Currently much maligned manager of Lancaster City. Still, he did give us an interview when he first joined the club, so he's cool with us. • HFS Loans League Prior to UniBond, sponsor of the Northern Premier League and the subject of some speculation in issues 012 and 014 as to what the initials HFS actually stood for. Well, as we eventually discovered, it was Homeowner's Financial Services, but unfortunately the company went into liquidation, which, considering the gates of most of the clubs in this league was Hardly ƒ¢#¡>¿ Surprising, really! • Holker Old Boys* Second most famous club in the Furness area. Yes, there is more than one! • Home Advantage I don't know if statistics would back this up, but it seems to me that home advantage counts for less in non-League than in League football, though at one time in the late eighties Barrow were virtually impregnable at home. So what happened? • Isthmian League Former name of what is now known as the Ryman League. Home to such Conference has beens as Enfield, Sutton United, Dagenham and Redbridge, Aylesbury United and Wealdstone. • Juventus Juventus play in the Peterborough and District League. And somewhere in Italy there's a team of overpaid and overrated prima donnas who stole their name. • Kettering Town According to 'The Meaning of Liff', Kettering are 'the marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.' Quite. • Kidderminster Harriers There isn't a definition of a Kidderminster in 'The Meaning of Liff'. If there were it would probably be something like 'a vicar who keeps introducing agonising puns into his sermons in the mistaken belief that this will somehow make him 'with it'.'