Give ’Em Beans! - A-D of non-League Football

The A-D of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL

• Accrington Stanley

Famous ex-League club who folded, were revived and, after being stalwarts of the UniBond Premier League for many years, were relegated to its First Division in 1999. However, some years before, they were the victims of a cruel and patronising joke in a television commercial for milk in which a young lad, who for some reason wanted to emulate an overpaid and overrated Welsh prima donna, was told that if he didn't drink enough of the white stuff, he'd 'only be good enough to play for Accrington Stanley'. Oh dear, more patronising drivel from advertising so-called 'creatives' who don't know any better.

• Aldershot Town (1992)

Further proof of life after 'death', it's nice to see how the Shots have progressed to the Premier Division of the Ryman, where they are meeting local rivals Farnborough on an equal footing this season.

• Altrincham

One time non-League giant and filthiest team in the history of the Universe, now back in the Conference after two seasons in the UniBond, not so much a giant, but still putting it about a bit - they wouldn't be Altrincham otherwise, would they?

• Alfreton Town

Short lived visitors to the UniBond Premier League recently, promoted in 1996, but sent down again with a record of almost Carnforth Rangerian ineptitude in 1998. Also the town where I bought the computer what I did this with. Just thought you'd like to know.

• Alma Swanley

Finished fifth in the Winstonlead Kent League in the season we first wrote this. Now, we think, defunct, which is a shame because there's always room in non-League for a side that sounds like a character from Coronation Street.

• Anglian Combination

This is for the groundhoppers. One of the 20,000 leagues under the GMVC (oh, I am proud of that one, even though it isn't the GMVC any longer), it eventually feeds into the Dr Martens Midland Division.

• Arbitrary

The decisions of most UniBond referees.

• Arsenal

Uhh! What are 1998 double winners doing in an A to Z of non-League football, you may well ask? Well, erm... yes. Until Maidstone United put an end to the sequence, it wasn't that long ago that if the list of League clubs folding in mid-season followed the same alphabetical progression (Accrington Stanley, Aldershot… etc.) it had, then Arsenal would have been the next to go. Couldn't happen? Don't you believe it! Because of their typical extortionate Premier League pricing structure to pay for their expensive foreign imports, my friend Nigel has already decided to go and watch Hayes, his local non-League side, rather than keep following the Gunners. A few more like him, and it could be the lower reaches of the Ryman League for a reformed Arsenal in a couple of years (yeah, in your dreams! Ed.).

• Atkinson, Paddy

Former Barrow winger, signed from Gateshead in 1991, who quickly stamped his authority by making the number twelve shirt his own (only joking, Paddy).

• Barrow-in-Furness Association Football Club Ltd...

...to use their full title. And what can we say? Any objective description might go something like this: 'Famous ex-League club which failed to gain re-election in 1972 and have been in and out, but mostly out, of the Conference ever since, but I prefer: 'We are ace, we are cool, we are Barrow and we rule!' I mean they are the reason for our (Beans!) existence, after all.

• Bishop's Stortford

The first team to win both the old FA Amateur Cup and the FA Trophy. There you go; no jokes, no snide remarks, just the facts. Interesting, huh?

• Black

As in 'Who's the ß@$*@®ś in the black?' Not that we here at Beans! would condone such language of course, but at least fans can still sing this to express their disapproval of the referee down here in those Leagues that aren't characterised by TV revenue greedy clubs with mercenary conniving useless-more-often-than-not 'stars' for players. Can you imagine their fans having to chant: 'Who's the goon in the green?' or 'Who's the poser in the pink?' Doesn't quite have the same ring, somehow, does it?

• Bradford Park Avenue

Another member of that exclusive club. One day, eh, lads... one day!

• Bromsgrove Rovers

...Who!?

• Capstick

(vb.) A player who moves to an inferior club when he can't get a game in the first team of his current side is said 'to Capstick'. An example: 'That's odd, I haven't seen Jameson at training today!' 'Oh, haven't you heard. He capsticked off to Glaxo so he could get a regular game in their first team!'

• Carlisle United

Cumbrian yo-yo club, who famously avoided the drop to the Conference with a goal from an on-loan goalkeeper with the last kick of the last match of the 1998-99 season, thus denying Barrow the chance of meeting them for the first time in a competitive match for over a quarter of a century. And until his recent resignation, chaired, and sometimes managed, by Michael Knighton, who took over promising to 'make Carlisle a Premier League club within five years.' Ah yes… UniBond Premier League, that must have been, eh Mike?

• Carnforth Rangers

Possibly the worst team in Lancashire. Aside from Bamber Bridge that is. Famous for propping up the West Lancashire League in season 1990-91 with a record of: P32 W0 D0 L32 F24 A153, nul points.

• Chorley

This small town near Preston has lent its name to two things - its cakes and its football team. Their cakes are rightly known for their quality across the globe, which is the significant difference between them and the football team.

• Cleator Moor Celtic

Possibly the best team in Cumbria. Aside from Barrow, of course, but then, we're not in Cumbria, are we?

• Colchester United

Essex club in Division Three of the Football League though they did spend two seasons in the early nineties in the Conference. They're probably all trying desperately to forget that, so let's be kind and not remind 'em here, eh?

• Cooper, Lee

Former Barrow striker whose Mum didn't have to sew a name tag in his jeans when he was a kid.

• Cowperthwaite, Colin

See entry under 'G'.

• Dagenham and Redbridge

...or, as they perhaps should be known, Leytonstone and Ilford and Walthamstow Avenue and Dagenham and Redbridge. I don't know, five clubs in one and they still got relegated from the Conference in 1996, after all that cash they spent on new players didn't have the slightest effect.

• Division Three

…or, as it should be (and once was) known, the Association Football League Division Four. Division Four is one of the feeder leagues to the Football Conference, the only difference between this and the others being that the club entering from this route doesn't require ground grading before acceptance.

• Dignity

The challenge of teams entering the Conference from Division Four is not only to win it at the first attempt, but to do so with dignity (ie. without going out of business or offending other clubs by an unreasonably arrogant attitude). So far this challenge has only been achieved by one club (see below).

• Darlington

Yes folks, it's Darlington. And nearly every season since it has looked as if they may have to repeat the achievement, by getting relegated again. As their fanzine Mission Impossible once stated 'One relegation to the Conference could be considered a misfortune… two smacks of gross incompetence.'

• Darenth Heathside

No, this is not, unlike it sounds, one of the lads on Barrow's YTS scheme, but a side in the Winstonlead Kent League. Yes, but are they any good?

• Doncaster Rovers

One of the latest recruits to the ever growing list of ex-League clubs playing here in the Twilight Zone (although when they went to Stevenage they probably thought it was more like the Outer Limits) and judging by their form, they don't seem in any hurry to return (to the League, that is, but to Stevenage too, come to that!) either.

• Dr Martens League

Formerly the Beazer Homes League, which sounds as if it was sponsored by a retreat for obsolete characters from the famous old DC Thompson kids comic, especially as it has a few obsolete comic Conference characters of its own - Bath City, Stafford Rangers, Boston United and Merthyr Tydfil to name but a few.

The A-D of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL
• Accrington Stanley Famous ex-League club who folded, were revived and, after being stalwarts of the UniBond Premier League for many years, were relegated to its First Division in 1999. However, some years before, they were the victims of a cruel and patronising joke in a television commercial for milk in which a young lad, who for some reason wanted to emulate an overpaid and overrated Welsh prima donna, was told that if he didn't drink enough of the white stuff, he'd 'only be good enough to play for Accrington Stanley'. Oh dear, more patronising drivel from advertising so-called 'creatives' who don't know any better. • Aldershot Town (1992) Further proof of life after 'death', it's nice to see how the Shots have progressed to the Premier Division of the Ryman, where they are meeting local rivals Farnborough on an equal footing this season. • Altrincham One time non-League giant and filthiest team in the history of the Universe, now back in the Conference after two seasons in the UniBond, not so much a giant, but still putting it about a bit - they wouldn't be Altrincham otherwise, would they? • Alfreton Town Short lived visitors to the UniBond Premier League recently, promoted in 1996, but sent down again with a record of almost Carnforth Rangerian ineptitude in 1998. Also the town where I bought the computer what I did this with. Just thought you'd like to know. • Alma Swanley Finished fifth in the Winstonlead Kent League in the season we first wrote this. Now, we think, defunct, which is a shame because there's always room in non-League for a side that sounds like a character from Coronation Street. • Anglian Combination This is for the groundhoppers. One of the 20,000 leagues under the GMVC (oh, I am proud of that one, even though it isn't the GMVC any longer), it eventually feeds into the Dr Martens Midland Division. • Arbitrary The decisions of most UniBond referees. • Arsenal Uhh! What are 1998 double winners doing in an A to Z of non-League football, you may well ask? Well, erm... yes. Until Maidstone United put an end to the sequence, it wasn't that long ago that if the list of League clubs folding in mid-season followed the same alphabetical progression (Accrington Stanley, Aldershot… etc.) it had, then Arsenal would have been the next to go. Couldn't happen? Don't you believe it! Because of their typical extortionate Premier League pricing structure to pay for their expensive foreign imports, my friend Nigel has already decided to go and watch Hayes, his local non-League side, rather than keep following the Gunners. A few more like him, and it could be the lower reaches of the Ryman League for a reformed Arsenal in a couple of years (yeah, in your dreams! Ed.). • Atkinson, Paddy Former Barrow winger, signed from Gateshead in 1991, who quickly stamped his authority by making the number twelve shirt his own (only joking, Paddy). • Barrow-in-Furness Association Football Club Ltd... ...to use their full title. And what can we say? Any objective description might go something like this: 'Famous ex-League club which failed to gain re-election in 1972 and have been in and out, but mostly out, of the Conference ever since, but I prefer: 'We are ace, we are cool, we are Barrow and we rule!' I mean they are the reason for our (Beans!) existence, after all. • Bishop's Stortford The first team to win both the old FA Amateur Cup and the FA Trophy. There you go; no jokes, no snide remarks, just the facts. Interesting, huh? • Black As in 'Who's the ß@$@®ś in the black?' Not that we here at Beans!* would condone such language of course, but at least fans can still sing this to express their disapproval of the referee down here in those Leagues that aren't characterised by TV revenue greedy clubs with mercenary conniving useless-more-often-than-not 'stars' for players. Can you imagine their fans having to chant: 'Who's the goon in the green?' or 'Who's the poser in the pink?' Doesn't quite have the same ring, somehow, does it? • Bradford Park Avenue Another member of that exclusive club. One day, eh, lads... one day! • Bromsgrove Rovers ...Who!? • Capstick (vb.) A player who moves to an inferior club when he can't get a game in the first team of his current side is said 'to Capstick'. An example: 'That's odd, I haven't seen Jameson at training today!' 'Oh, haven't you heard. He capsticked off to Glaxo so he could get a regular game in their first team!' • Carlisle United Cumbrian yo-yo club, who famously avoided the drop to the Conference with a goal from an on-loan goalkeeper with the last kick of the last match of the 1998-99 season, thus denying Barrow the chance of meeting them for the first time in a competitive match for over a quarter of a century. And until his recent resignation, chaired, and sometimes managed, by Michael Knighton, who took over promising to 'make Carlisle a Premier League club within five years.' Ah yes… UniBond Premier League, that must have been, eh Mike? • Carnforth Rangers Possibly the worst team in Lancashire. Aside from Bamber Bridge that is. Famous for propping up the West Lancashire League in season 1990-91 with a record of: P32 W0 D0 L32 F24 A153, nul points. • Chorley This small town near Preston has lent its name to two things - its cakes and its football team. Their cakes are rightly known for their quality across the globe, which is the significant difference between them and the football team. • Cleator Moor Celtic Possibly the best team in Cumbria. Aside from Barrow, of course, but then, we're not in Cumbria, are we? • Colchester United Essex club in Division Three of the Football League though they did spend two seasons in the early nineties in the Conference. They're probably all trying desperately to forget that, so let's be kind and not remind 'em here, eh? • Cooper, Lee Former Barrow striker whose Mum didn't have to sew a name tag in his jeans when he was a kid. • Cowperthwaite, Colin See entry under 'G'. • Dagenham and Redbridge ...or, as they perhaps should be known, Leytonstone and Ilford and Walthamstow Avenue and Dagenham and Redbridge. I don't know, five clubs in one and they still got relegated from the Conference in 1996, after all that cash they spent on new players didn't have the slightest effect. • Division Three …or, as it should be (and once was) known, the Association Football League Division Four. Division Four is one of the feeder leagues to the Football Conference, the only difference between this and the others being that the club entering from this route doesn't require ground grading before acceptance. • Dignity The challenge of teams entering the Conference from Division Four is not only to win it at the first attempt, but to do so with dignity (ie. without going out of business or offending other clubs by an unreasonably arrogant attitude). So far this challenge has only been achieved by one club (see below). • Darlington Yes folks, it's Darlington. And nearly every season since it has looked as if they may have to repeat the achievement, by getting relegated again. As their fanzine Mission Impossible once stated 'One relegation to the Conference could be considered a misfortune… two smacks of gross incompetence.' • Darenth Heathside No, this is not, unlike it sounds, one of the lads on Barrow's YTS scheme, but a side in the Winstonlead Kent League. Yes, but are they any good? • Doncaster Rovers One of the latest recruits to the ever growing list of ex-League clubs playing here in the Twilight Zone (although when they went to Stevenage they probably thought it was more like the Outer Limits) and judging by their form, they don't seem in any hurry to return (to the League, that is, but to Stevenage too, come to that!) either. • Dr Martens League Formerly the Beazer Homes League, which sounds as if it was sponsored by a retreat for obsolete characters from the famous old DC Thompson kids comic, especially as it has a few obsolete comic Conference characters of its own - Bath City, Stafford Rangers, Boston United and Merthyr Tydfil to name but a few.