Give ’Em Beans! - S-Z of non-League Football

The S-Z of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL

• Sex

As in the type of activity which is not allowed the night before a game. Unless you're a spectator, in which case it's all right. But if you're a footballer, or indeed any kind of sportsman, or sportswoman, it will definitely put you off (so we all know when Barrow's players have sex, then. Ed.).

• Shower

Has two meanings, one being a description of the jets of water which wash away the mud after a game and which gives mischievous players like Gazza the opportunity to play find the soap with his teammates, and the other being a general description of any team after a particularly bad game, along the lines of, 'I wouldn't come and watch that shower again.' It is believed that this latter meaning was, strangely enough, first coined by the supporters of Bath City (Bath, shower... gosh, do I have to explain everything? Online Ed.).

• Spennymoor United

There's a note under this heading reminding me to write something. 'WRITE SOMETHING' it says in big, bold capitals, but after staring at it for an hour, I've finally given up. After all, they might not even be here next week!

• Tea

A dark brown liquid served hot in polystyrene cups and sold to spectators at football matches. A strange concept considering that what you find in the cup is little better than lightly coloured water, having had scarcely more than a millisecond's acquaintance with a teabag. Tea can be taken with sugar to boost energy levels, but it can also have a diuretic effect similar to alcohol, which can cause you to miss at least one goal as you search for somewhere to relieve yourself.

• Tosser

A description of a certain kind of non-League footballer who specialises in the missing of open goals, or who has lousy passing skills and the tackling ability of a flea.

• Try

What certain players who have been at Barrow AFC over the last few seasons (usually those on the most money) don't always do. Alternatively, the main method of scoring points in Rugby League, requiring the player to carry the ball over his opponents' line and touch down with it. This skill is one that Barrow RLFC are still struggling to come to terms with. So it must be really difficult.

• Trip

A method of preventing a more skilful opponent from making progress with the ball. Simply angle your foot to make contact with your opponent's leg and over he goes. Ensure you do this outside the penalty area and with your back to the referee. Some players are adept at flinging themselves over inside the penalty area to make it look as if they have been tripped in an attempt to earn a penalty, cf Andy Whittaker, once of this parish. Other meanings of the word trip are familiar to some players, e.g. Billy Kenny and Paul Merson.

• UniBond League

The premier non-League competition outside the Conference. While this might be news to its two other feeder leagues, nonetheless it's a fact. Those other leagues are full of southern poofters like Enfield, Harrow, Wealdstone and Farnborough. Only the UniBond is full of good, strong, honest northern teams that call a spade, er... a spade and don't take no nonsense from no-one. Sponsored by Henkel Chemicals, the league takes its name from one of their main products, a range of adhesives sold under the trade name UniBond. This is thought to be the reason why so many teams find it difficult to get out of the UniBond once they're in it. They quite literally get stuck in it (No Graham, they quite metaphorically get stuck in it. Online Ed.). Unless they're Marine, of course, in which case they simply don't have any ambition to play anywhere else. Sad ß@$*@®ś$!

• Vaughan, Stephen

Barrow AFC chairman 1995-99. That's it.

• Wembley

Okay; to put an end to this debate once and for all (which debate is that then? Ed.), the best goal ever scored at Wembley was Colin Cowperthwaite's diving header, Barrow's second in the 1990 FA Trophy Final victory over Leek Town.

• Welling United

Or should this be 'Well-in United', as they're obviously quids in with someone on the Conference management committee, having finished in a relegation position, not once, not twice, but three times and survived on each occasion, through the 'unsuitability' of clubs who otherwise would have been promoted/would not have been relegated. Not that we have an axe to grind or anything.

• Wheatley, Danny

See below.

• Winger

An endangered species in the game, but nothing can beat the thrill of a winger beating the full back and sending over a pinpoint accurate cross. Remember Roy McCarthy from the Division Three team, or Danny Wheatley and Micky Carroll from Ray Wilkie's era? More recently, Ashley Hoskin carried the flag, although ploughing an increasingly desperate furrow on behalf of this forgotten breed.

• Winsford United

Promoted to the Premier Division of the Northern Premier League in the same season as Barrow were relegated in 1992, where they have survived remarkably well. Until the 1999-2000 season that is, when they perhaps might have considered changing their name to 'Loseford.'

• Woking

Team from Surrey that at least one of our regular contributors isn't that keen on. Maybe its because on the same day as we almost drew with Bolton Wanderers in the Third Round of the 1990 FA Cup, they famously stuffed West Bromwich Albion 4-2 at the Hawthorns, or maybe its just because they're from Surrey.

• Workington

Cumbrian ex-Football League club (like Carlisle will be very shortly). They failed to gain re-election in 1977, five seasons after Barrow, but their drop through the non-League pyramid has been breathtaking. Now back in the UniBond Division One after one season spent playing in the NorthWest Trains League alongside Holker Old Boys, it's hard to believe they were once our most hated rivals. Derby games were real blood and guts affairs and that was just on the terraces.

• Xtra-time

It's hard to believe in these days of penalty shoot outs and golden goals, but there once was a time, long long ago, when every cup replay would have thirty minutes of extra time if the scores were still level after the allotted ninety. If it was still a draw after that, then another replay would be held, on neutral territory, and so on, until a decisive result was reached. In the late sixties, when Barrow were still in the Football League, they were involved in one of these humdingers against non-League Alfreton Town in the FA Cup. Barrow eventually won at the fourth attempt. Those were the days. Now, in an age of instant gratification and immediate results, the authorities aren't happy unless the tie is settled at the second attempt, hence the use of penalties and golden goals. As Max Bygraves said, 'fings ain't what they used to be.' (Hold on a second, our reader won't stand for this! Extra time begins with an E, not an X! Who's responsible for this drivel? Asst. Ed.)

• Yeovil Town

Conference dwellers from the land of zider drinkers and yokels who have a deserved reputation as doughty FA Cup giant-killers. Many Barrovians, however, remember our FA Trophy tie there in 1989 when a number of them were subjected to a barrage of coins and missiles from some of the home 'supporters'. Bad feelings have persisted ever since and one sadly deranged individual tried to exact his own form of retribution when Yeovil visited Holker St ten years later. Such violence has no place at either, or indeed any, ground. We want to remember our opponents as we want them to remember us; for the quality of their football, not the quantity of the violence.

• Zzzzzzzzzzz

If you've read this far, then this is probably the sound you're making right now. If you type the words 'cure for insomnia' into Yahoo or any other search engine, then don't be surprised if you wind up back at 'Accrington Stanley' in the first section of this A-Z.

The S-Z of NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL
• Sex As in the type of activity which is not allowed the night before a game. Unless you're a spectator, in which case it's all right. But if you're a footballer, or indeed any kind of sportsman, or sportswoman, it will definitely put you off (so we all know when Barrow's players have sex, then. Ed.). • Shower Has two meanings, one being a description of the jets of water which wash away the mud after a game and which gives mischievous players like Gazza the opportunity to play find the soap with his teammates, and the other being a general description of any team after a particularly bad game, along the lines of, 'I wouldn't come and watch that shower again.' It is believed that this latter meaning was, strangely enough, first coined by the supporters of Bath City (Bath, shower... gosh, do I have to explain everything? Online Ed.). • Spennymoor United There's a note under this heading reminding me to write something. 'WRITE SOMETHING' it says in big, bold capitals, but after staring at it for an hour, I've finally given up. After all, they might not even be here next week! • Tea A dark brown liquid served hot in polystyrene cups and sold to spectators at football matches. A strange concept considering that what you find in the cup is little better than lightly coloured water, having had scarcely more than a millisecond's acquaintance with a teabag. Tea can be taken with sugar to boost energy levels, but it can also have a diuretic effect similar to alcohol, which can cause you to miss at least one goal as you search for somewhere to relieve yourself. • Tosser A description of a certain kind of non-League footballer who specialises in the missing of open goals, or who has lousy passing skills and the tackling ability of a flea. • Try What certain players who have been at Barrow AFC over the last few seasons (usually those on the most money) don't always do. Alternatively, the main method of scoring points in Rugby League, requiring the player to carry the ball over his opponents' line and touch down with it. This skill is one that Barrow RLFC are still struggling to come to terms with. So it must be really difficult. • Trip A method of preventing a more skilful opponent from making progress with the ball. Simply angle your foot to make contact with your opponent's leg and over he goes. Ensure you do this outside the penalty area and with your back to the referee. Some players are adept at flinging themselves over inside the penalty area to make it look as if they have been tripped in an attempt to earn a penalty, cf Andy Whittaker, once of this parish. Other meanings of the word trip are familiar to some players, e.g. Billy Kenny and Paul Merson. • UniBond League The premier non-League competition outside the Conference. While this might be news to its two other feeder leagues, nonetheless it's a fact. Those other leagues are full of southern poofters like Enfield, Harrow, Wealdstone and Farnborough. Only the UniBond is full of good, strong, honest northern teams that call a spade, er... a spade and don't take no nonsense from no-one. Sponsored by Henkel Chemicals, the league takes its name from one of their main products, a range of adhesives sold under the trade name UniBond. This is thought to be the reason why so many teams find it difficult to get out of the UniBond once they're in it. They quite literally get stuck in it (No Graham, they quite metaphorically get stuck in it. Online Ed.). Unless they're Marine, of course, in which case they simply don't have any ambition to play anywhere else. Sad ß@$@®ś$! • Vaughan, Stephen* Barrow AFC chairman 1995-99. That's it. • Wembley Okay; to put an end to this debate once and for all (which debate is that then? Ed.), the best goal ever scored at Wembley was Colin Cowperthwaite's diving header, Barrow's second in the 1990 FA Trophy Final victory over Leek Town. • Welling United Or should this be 'Well-in United', as they're obviously quids in with someone on the Conference management committee, having finished in a relegation position, not once, not twice, but three times and survived on each occasion, through the 'unsuitability' of clubs who otherwise would have been promoted/would not have been relegated. Not that we have an axe to grind or anything. • Wheatley, Danny See below. • Winger An endangered species in the game, but nothing can beat the thrill of a winger beating the full back and sending over a pinpoint accurate cross. Remember Roy McCarthy from the Division Three team, or Danny Wheatley and Micky Carroll from Ray Wilkie's era? More recently, Ashley Hoskin carried the flag, although ploughing an increasingly desperate furrow on behalf of this forgotten breed. • Winsford United Promoted to the Premier Division of the Northern Premier League in the same season as Barrow were relegated in 1992, where they have survived remarkably well. Until the 1999-2000 season that is, when they perhaps might have considered changing their name to 'Loseford.' • Woking Team from Surrey that at least one of our regular contributors isn't that keen on. Maybe its because on the same day as we almost drew with Bolton Wanderers in the Third Round of the 1990 FA Cup, they famously stuffed West Bromwich Albion 4-2 at the Hawthorns, or maybe its just because they're from Surrey. • Workington Cumbrian ex-Football League club (like Carlisle will be very shortly). They failed to gain re-election in 1977, five seasons after Barrow, but their drop through the non-League pyramid has been breathtaking. Now back in the UniBond Division One after one season spent playing in the NorthWest Trains League alongside Holker Old Boys, it's hard to believe they were once our most hated rivals. Derby games were real blood and guts affairs and that was just on the terraces. • Xtra-time It's hard to believe in these days of penalty shoot outs and golden goals, but there once was a time, long long ago, when every cup replay would have thirty minutes of extra time if the scores were still level after the allotted ninety. If it was still a draw after that, then another replay would be held, on neutral territory, and so on, until a decisive result was reached. In the late sixties, when Barrow were still in the Football League, they were involved in one of these humdingers against non-League Alfreton Town in the FA Cup. Barrow eventually won at the fourth attempt. Those were the days. Now, in an age of instant gratification and immediate results, the authorities aren't happy unless the tie is settled at the second attempt, hence the use of penalties and golden goals. As Max Bygraves said, 'fings ain't what they used to be.' (Hold on a second, our reader won't stand for this! Extra time begins with an E, not an X! Who's responsible for this drivel? Asst. Ed.) • Yeovil Town Conference dwellers from the land of zider drinkers and yokels who have a deserved reputation as doughty FA Cup giant-killers. Many Barrovians, however, remember our FA Trophy tie there in 1989 when a number of them were subjected to a barrage of coins and missiles from some of the home 'supporters'. Bad feelings have persisted ever since and one sadly deranged individual tried to exact his own form of retribution when Yeovil visited Holker St ten years later. Such violence has no place at either, or indeed any, ground. We want to remember our opponents as we want them to remember us; for the quality of their football, not the quantity of the violence. • Zzzzzzzzzzz If you've read this far, then this is probably the sound you're making right now. If you type the words 'cure for insomnia' into Yahoo or any other search engine, then don't be surprised if you wind up back at 'Accrington Stanley' in the first section of this A-Z.