Dot's Disorders • L - R
• LATENT CONTROL SYNDROME A nasty psychological disorder, the symptom of which is the feeling of not being in control of what you are supposed to be in control of. Often experienced by those who have charge of others: managers in industry, football club managers, England cricket team managers and politicians. People who try to tell others what to do but don't actually do anything themselves. Sufferers are unable to admit to themselves the true nature of the condition. So when things go wrong they cover it up with phrases like 'we couldn't help it', or 'they were better than us', or 'we had a lot of injuries', or 'it was a poor pitch' which lends a spurious air of inevitability to the outcome. In this way they can avoid direct responsibility for what has happened. We doctors use the term 'in denial' to describe such people. The only cure is to make them face up to their responsibilities. This is usually achieved by attaching electrical contacts to a delicate area of the patient's anatomy and applying 2,000 volts for two seconds. This must only be done under strict medical supervision. Do not try this at home, no matter how severe the provocation. Issue 025 - Spring 1996
• The MALE MENOPAUSE Experts are divided on whether this really exists. But recent studies have shown that the key to keeping men healthy is testosterone. As levels drop, from being positive, bullish and outgoing, men can become negative, depressed and irritable. There can be lethargy, exhaustion and stiffness and unexpected outbursts of temper. Sufferers may believe that life's normal frustrations are obstacles placed deliberately in their path. They will act in an extreme and uncontrollable manner, often undoing in a moment the work of many decades. It is not known how many men involved with Barrow AFC from 1995-99 suffered from the male menopause. Probably most of them. Issue 039 - April 1999
• MURPHY's INCONTINENCE A condition where the sufferer submits to an overwhelming urge to visit the toilet, only to return to find that, in his absence, a goal has been scored. Not to be confused with the more debilitating Wilson-Geller's Delusion. First described in 'Defective Subitization': issue 023 - August 1995
• PREMATURE EVACUATION This is a surprisingly common complaint affecting men only and causing a great deal of embarrassment. It arises when a certain over-eagerness and heightened anticipation in the mind works against the desired physical outcome, and instead of lifting a rocket into space, the sufferer ends up with a damp squib. Supporters of a certain football team have suspected for years that their manager and players suffer from this complaint. Following several highly successful cup campaigns at the start of the 90's, the fans felt that further cup success was assured. Instead, in the 24 major cup competitions the team played in starting with the 1991-92 season, they exited in the first round fourteen times and the second round seven times. The following season continued this truly lamentable record; two cups played in, first round exits in both. Sufferers are often in denial, claiming that cup failure permits the team to concentrate on the league. My advice is to face up to the problem by admitting it. Using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, get the team together and say out loud "We are crap in cup games!" Once the fear is confronted, the eagerness and over-excitement will disappear to be replaced by a more relaxed frame of mind. This will enable the sufferer to stay in for longer as they won't feel so stressed, worried and nervous about an early exit. Issue 032 - November 1997
• PSEUDOMANCOPHILIA Pseudomancophilia, or Umbro-Sharp Syndrome as it is sometimes known, is a debilitating condition which can be extremely anti-social, even in its mildest form. Incidence is widespread, with cases being reported as far apart as Berwick, Hastings, Truro and even abroad. Sadly, the disorder is not unknown in the Furness area as every Saturday morning those afflicted gather in at least one coachload for their weekly fix at Old Trafford or wherever else it is that Manchester United happen to be playing that weekend. Indeed, as symptoms tend to lie dormant during the week, the more pathological manifestations of the condition are best observed in the sufferer's natural habitat - any motorway service area on a Saturday morning. The pseudomancophiliac is easily recognisable by his blank expression and his preference for shirts in red, blue, sky blue, black, green and yellow halves or whatever other colour United have chosen to play in that half hour. Terminal cases can be identified from the players' names and squad numbers on the backs of their shirts. Despite the severity and apparent hopelessness of many of these cases, treatment is possible however by a slow process of counselling. This aims to make the sufferer realise that even though United might be the most famous club in the world, there is no credibility whatsoever to be gathered from following a club with which he has neither natural connection or legitimate allegiance. Failing this, 500 milligrams of chlorpromazine and a good kick up the backside are recommended. Rehabilitation is complete when the patient eschews United for his local non-League club, preferably when they are languishing at the bottom of, say, Division Three of the Ryman League. Issue 021 - January 1995
• RIGOR MORTIS A severe condition from which there is usually no recovery. It occurs sometime after death when the essential life forces no longer operate and the body goes stiff and cold. Organisations can also suffer from this problem, but in their case it is more difficult to tell that they are actually dead. However, a refusal to admit new blood, rejection of new ideas, and an over-reliance on rulebooks are all evidence that an organisation is stiffening rapidly from the neck up. It is possible that a number of the organisations who currently run English football are currently suffering from this condition. Psychiatrists are anxiously awaiting the results of recent blood tests and brain scans. Issue 041 - October 1999