Dot's Disorders
• A - D
• ANORAXIA NERVOSA
A very distressing affliction which manifests itself quite differently in either sex. For while he finds a Non-League Directory more enthralling than the most glamorous fashion spread, and she would not be seen dead in anything that looked even vaguely like an anorak, the groundhopper and the average fashion model share a common bond. For the obsession that sends grown men out to non-League football grounds, carefully consulting their road atlases and train timetables, is just a different manifestation of the self absorption that helps her clench her teeth and stick to her diet. The specific psychiatric nomenclature for this kind of obsessive behaviour is Anoraxia Nervosa.
Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism, could be the key to this obsessive behaviour, both in the football ground and on the catwalk. It is this condition that may lead men into activities such as obsessive groundhopping and women also into disorders such as bulimia and anorexia.
Both groundhopper and supermodel tend to have problems empathising with other people, and the chief characteristic of this form of anoraxia is that the sufferer cannot relate to the emotions of others. They cannot understand why someone is happy or sad and are often unable to feel these emotions themselves. Most people would recognise this as the anorak character of the groundhopper. Neither a groundhopper nor a model obsessed with her looks would be, in strict clinical terminology, what you would call bonkers, but they can be very self-centred.
Denial is a further complication, which can make treatment extremely problematic, if not impossible. When researchers tried to raise awareness of the problem with the Elite Look model agency in London, which represents supermodels Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford, the agency called the comparison "outrageous." The groundhoppers were equally horrified. "There is nothing nutty about our hobby," said Norbert Perceval, editor of groundhopper's magazine Groundhopper. "Nutty is walking up and down a catwalk with hardly anything on."
Thus, a lot of work remains to be done before this fascinating and upsetting condition gains the appreciation it deserves. In the meantime, research continues in psychiatric institutions, and at fashion shows and football grounds across the globe.
Based on 'The Anorak Factor' in issue 027 - September 1996
• ANORAXIA TERRESAUTUS
Though only identified in the early 1970s, Terresautus (from the Latin 'terre' - ground, and the French 'saute' - to hop or jump) has much in common with its close relation in the Anoraxia family, Trainspottus, the pathology of which has been known since the inter-War years.
Both conditions are classic examples of a distortive parataxic monomania for which there is still no known cure. In the most extreme cases, sufferers display symptoms which can be so disturbing they have often been misdiagnosed as being in the later stages of Creutzfeld Jakov's Disease.
In its mildest form, however, groundhopping, as it is known to the layman, is quite benign, and some recent studies suggest that a statistically significant percentage of the population may have the condition to a lesser degree. For example, most football fans enjoy visiting a ground for the first time, but they usually do so in the course of following their team. But, for the approximately 1 in 20,000 that go on to develop full blown terresautus, it is a different story. The sufferer doesn't follow any team in particular - he derives his pleasure from visiting a different ground every week. He then becomes so obsessive he has to go to lower and lower leagues to satisfy his craving for new grounds. As he delves into these ever more minor leagues he sees an ever poorer standard of football. He eventually winds up visiting what are virtually fields with hardly any facilities that can scarcely be classed as football grounds at all. However, by this stage the sufferer has lost all interest in actually watching the game, having become preoccupied with activities such as taking pitch measurements, cataloguing the type of material used in the corner flags, or even just planning his next trip by checking the timetable of the obscure branch line he needs to take to get there.
For like the trainspotter, he will often travel half-way across country, not to get a rare train number, but just to visit yet another obscure ground. Dressed in his anorak, armed with a thermos and duffle bag, and no doubt travelling by train, he will plan his holiday to enable him to visit as many grounds as possible in that time. And afterwards he'll write in to the groundhoppers' magazine Groundhopper to describe his experiences...
'Watched Torpoint Athletic at Clyst Rovers in the Jewson South-Western League on the Saturday, then on to Swimbridge for a 2-2 draw with Torrington Hunters in the Bideford Tools North Devon Intermediate League Division Two, a game not without its humour when the referee ran on the pitch and sIipped on a cowpat!'
And so on. Descriptions of the view from the ground, a few supposedly interesting stories about mix-ups over kick-off times and train connections (trains again!) and examinations of the type of brick used in the changing rooms.
So, if one of your friends suddenly suggests a weekend trip to, say, a Green Insulation mid-Cheshire League game between Linotype and Garswood United, what should you do? Don't panic. Just put him in a straitjacket (if there isn't one available put his anorak on back to front) and ring a qualified psychiatrist, such as myself, immediately. Then hope it's just a temporary aberration. For if it isn't, other than heavy sedation, there's not much else we can do. Sorry.
Based on Clint Wags' 'Portrait of a Groundhopper' in issue 011 - April 1992
• ANORACHNOPHOBIA
A hysterical and hypochondrial abreaction to the above disorders of the anoraxia group, often noted among those with ectomorphic phobic personality traits. Overcompensation can result in the onset of equally serious conditions at the other end of the scale, such as Pseudomancophilia and Trideliskaphobia.
• ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
This condition, which should not be confused with Murphy's Incontinence or Wilson-Geller's Delusion, is one that everyone who has ever attended a football match will have experienced at one time or another.
Attention deficit disorder or defective subitization, as it is more correctly known in the trade, is the all too familiar failure of the attentive faculties at critical moments of the game, most commonly at events leading up to set pieces such as corner kicks and throw-ins, but more seriously when a goal is scored, or when an off the ball fracas results in a controversial sending off or five.
Although missing this latter type of incident can quite easily be corrected by keeping one eye focused on the ball while allowing the other to follow the action in a sort of functional squint, the former can only be rectified by a course of intensive training of the concentration by a skilled practitioner. If you can't afford a personal session (and let's face it, you probably can't) then I would recommend a copy of my professionally produced video 'Pay Attention' (Dotbook Arts Video Collection; £24.99), available from all good video stockists.
Originally 'Defective Subitization' in issue 023 - August 1995
• COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY (CBT)
According to my good friend, former EastEnders actress Gillian Taylforth, doing anything in public is a classic fear. But Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the recognised treatment for underachievement caused by unrealistic expectations and is based on the theory that all psychological problems are the result of a maladjusted belief system. Through a sustained process of dialectic, the therapist focuses the patient's thoughts and beliefs by attempting to get him to redraft his reality map to a place more heavily populated by those of us in the consensual here and now.
CBT has long been known to work and further evidence has shown it has greater efficacy in preventing relapses than anti-depressants such as Prozac. I myself had the pleasure to be able to develop the therapy into a group gestalt when a strange and previously unrecorded mass affliction arose spontaneously among the players of a famous Northern non-League football team towards the end of 1997. At one point the condition seriously threatened their collective promotional ambitions, but after making myself available to them, I was able to achieve a substantial, if qualified, improvement in their fortunes.
Starting with the received wisdom that all neuroses are about fear and fear is usually about avoidance, we established that, having been beaten in five of the twelve games played at their home ground by mid-December, the team's players were terrified of losing in front of large crowds there, despite their being unvanquished away from home and top of their league by some considerable margin.
Classically, failure to confront this fear, accentuates it, and if anything, it grows. Thus, the more they thought about losing, the more they knew the fans expected them to win, and the greater the possibility of the loss occurring. However, the team's manager and I recognised that the players were motivated to recover, which meant they'd already done half the work. The players had to ask themselves why anyone would want to lose at home when they were top of the league and unbeaten away from home. Knowing they didn't have to lose and could, in fact, win helped relax nerves. Then, they had to imagine themselves playing. This a part of the process - the so-called self-instructional training stage - was the most problematic, as it required a little imagination, at least. Finally, I told the players there are things they can say to themselves to ease their nerves. The crucial thing is to remain task focused and not let worries cause a distraction.
And since in CBT, the therapist has to become less of an authority figure, the players were encouraged to argue. Having had years of practice with run-ins with old fat short balding male authority figures in black shirts, most of them, especially those from Liverpool (all bar one), found a tall slim young blonde female psychotherapist in a white coat no trouble at all.
But, as I intimated above, it was only a qualified success. Once they stopped losing at home, they started losing away.
Revised and updated from issue 033 - January 1998
