Dot's Disorders
• S - Z
• SCHWARZENTRIGGERED TOURETTE's
A very dangerous condition fortunately confined to less than four out of one million unlucky members of the population, most of who are managers of football teams. While many sufferers report that the syndrome is, like migraine, triggered by external events, specialists doubt this and recent research does seem to indicate a genetic cause. Indeed, the condition is believed to have a great deal in common with that other curse of modern times, road rage. Whatever the reason, the symptoms are quite horrific.
The sufferer is quite unable to control his emotions in the presence of people dressed in black who are carrying either a flag or a whistle. The colour black may act as a kind of unconscious emotional release to the sufferer. However, any attempt by a man in black to blow his whistle or raise his flag produces an incoherent torrent of rage. Typical amongst the crude language are the words 'you're an absolute disgrace, ref,' and 'you've had a nightmare'. Sufferers have also been known to remark 'sort out your linesman, ref,' and 'you're just a joke.'
Once an attack has commenced, the patient must be removed from the vicinity forcibly and isolated from the factors which triggered the attack. It is also important that the patient is made to sit. Since most sufferers are very aggressive, it is usually necessary to use some kind of restraint like a straitjacket.
Symptoms pass fairly quickly once these simple solutions have been taken. The key to controlling these attacks is isolating the patient from the stimuli. Unfortunately there is no known cure and patients must expect recurring attacks, possibly with increasing frequency. Attacks are more common in winter months than in summer, so it is thought that holidays in hot counties can have a beneficial effect.
Revised and updated from 'Managerius Explosivus' in issue 029 - January 1997
• SEASONAL VARIANT BULIMIA [Oneiric Variety]
A most unpleasant condition, usually found in those of an obsessive nature. Physical symptoms involve periods of incessant gorging followed by periods of severe vomiting. This leads to a permanent weight reduction, listlessness and boredom. Sufferers have unnatural obsessions, related to unattainable objectives. For example, a common paradigm is the belief that that the football team they support will get promoted without any real evidence to back up this fact. They sustain their sad lives on this premise all season and then, when the unpalatable facts intrude into their dream world, and promotion is revealed as no more than a mirage, they descend into depression and despair. The condition is untreatable and sufferers are doomed to repeat the cycle of optimism and gloom every twelve months.
Revised and updated from 'Barrowmia Edititis Obsessis Syndrome' in issue 026 - May 1996
• THOUGHT STOPPING
Not so much a disorder, Thought Stopping is more of a technique which can be used to cure another disorder, Excessivus Footballerus. This appalling, painful condition makes the sufferers eyes bulge from their sockets and the skin turn bright red or purple. Patients are known to be very excitable, have a short fuse, are quick to anger, and rarely live past 40 due to high blood pressure, They feel compelled to dispute every decision made by a higher authority, even when this involves a forty yard dash from the touchline. Ian Wright, Eric Cantona, Paul McGrath, Julian Dicks and our own Neil Morton are all known sufferers. The technique of Thought Stopping requires the patient to show some sign of actually thinking while on a football field. This is often a major barrier to treatment. Assuming it can be overcome, Thought Stopping involves teaching how to swap aggressive or inflammatory thoughts for more constructive or conciliatory ones. Instead of thinking, 'I'm going to get him for that,' the patient thinks 'I hope the nice ref doesn't let him get away with that.' Even if the offender goes unpunished, the few seconds that have elapsed while that thought goes through the mind should be enough to prevent the wrong destructive type of actions.
Thought Stopping has been used by many world class athletes. It eliminates the first, animalistic thought and literally makes the person stop. But it's not easy. It can take three to five seasons before you start to make real progress. Jimmy Brown, you'd better sign up right away.
Issue 031 - September 1997
• TRIDELISKAPHOBIA
Trideliskaphobia and Carlingsnob Disease are just two of the terms by which this surprisingly prevalent condition is known. Victims suffer an irrational and apparently pathological fear and loathing of non-League football. However, there are no outward signs of any problem and diagnosis can be made only by careful probing by a skilled practitioner. Consider my following intercourse with a Spurs fan now living in Kent…
Dr D: So I guess you don't get to see Spurs so much these days, then?Fan: No, sometimes I go and watch Gillingham though.
Dr D: How about Dover Athletic? That can't be too far away.
Fan: Oh no, I'd never go down to that level!
The sneer that accompanied this remark is typical of the condition. In extreme cases the victim will suffer uncontrollable fits (of laughter) and may even lose control of his faculties altogether.
Treatment is arduous and time consuming and, to be frank, not worth the effort.
Originally 'Pyramidophobia' in issue 020 - August 1994
• VERTIGO
A frequent difficulty for football teams is getting to the top position in their league. Why this is so difficult is obviously apparent. It has to be achieved by winning matches against opponents, all of whom also desire to be top of the same league. However, once a team has reached the top, then in many cases its problems are just beginning. For far more onerous than getting to the top is staying there. This has proved to be an incredibly hard task which has been beyond many teams, especially one that my partner Dr Debbie has been assisting in an advisory capacity these last few seasons. For no sooner did they hit the top spot than they lost three league games in a row and plunged all the way back down to eighth position.
So how do you stay top of the league? Simple. You do what you did to get there in the first place - win all your games. What could be simpler? Unfortunately, most footballers suffer from vertigo at even the lowest of elevations. Some find it difficult to keep to their feet in the opposition's penalty area. Remember Andy Whittaker? Crossing the white line was like entering the Bermuda Triangle for him and so long as he had a defender in close attendance his head would swim and he'd go crashing to the turf in a whirl of arms and legs. He always recovered well, leaping immediately to his feet and with arms outstreched to maintain his balance, he'd approach the referee to assure him that everything was okay.
Now these footballers suffered from vertigo at much higher levels. Scared of the big wheel at the fairground, when they found themselves top of the UniBond Premier League, their heads swam, their eyes closed, they lost three times, sank down the league; and breathed a sigh of relief at regaining their equilibrium. Doctors ascribe this phenomenon to the rarified atmosphere and lack of oxygen at higher altitudes. Plus an irrational fear of falling and a deeply held conviction that they are not good enough for such exalted heights.
The only cure is to instil in the players a sense of conviction and self belief that will banish their vertigo forever. Because if they think it's tough at the top of the UniBond, what will they make of the Conference?
Originally 'Staying at the Top of the League' in issue 029 - January 1997
• WILSON-GELLER's DELUSION
A near psychotic condition, dangerously prevalent among supporters of a more metaphysical or mystical orientation. Here, often despite, or maybe because of, his having consumed several pints of intoxicating alcohol beforehand, the sufferer will not go to the toilet in the belief that doing so will break his concentration on the match. It is this sustained concentration, he believes, that his helping his side hold out against unrelenting pressure from stronger opposition. Thus, if this effort of will is interrupted through his having to visit the toilet, then he feels that they are almost certain to concede a goal. Though the sufferer is often aware that this belief is both irrational and monomaniacal, its pull at the time can be almost impossible to break. The consequences, not only for the long term mental stability of the sufferer, but also for his immediate comfort and hygiene, can be catastrophic.
Developed from 'Defective Subitization' in issue 023 - August 1995
