Give ’Em Beans! - Pseud's Corner

It's not too late to go back, you know...

Pseud's Corner

• A - D

• Ain't this what living is really all about?

It most certainly is. The first of many tiresome Frank Zappa references in Give 'Em Beans! over the years, and we explain them all here. So you'd better get used to them. This line, from 'Wet T-Shirt Nite', side two track one of his 1980 album 'Joe's Garage Part 1', crops up in issue 012's 'Sophist's Choice', where we really do explain the meaning of life in words of less than three syllables.

• Woody Allen

Rather than trying to get them to do it themselves, back in the old days we actually used to write articles that people asked us to. For example, in response to a request for 'Features You'd Like To See in Give 'Em Beans!' in our issue 004 Reader's Poll, we wrote the following for one reader who asked for a Woody Allen Retrospective.

Between 'Take The Money and Run' (1969) and 'Crimes and Misdemeanours' (1990), Woody Allen has written, directed and/or starred in twenty films, all of which are about a million times better than 'Total Recall'.

Back then I would have been able to name those twenty films, but I can't any more. Let's just say Woody's tally must be well over thirty by now.

There are at least two more references to Woody Allen in past issues, one of which we explore in some more detail in our S-Z section, and could even be construed as a Woody Allen reference to G'EB! The second is in issue 011's episode of our serial 'The Mind Bogglingly Bamboozling Adventures of Barry Andrew Franklin Cresswell, Barrow's Greatest Fan in a Parallel Universe We Somewhat Unconvincingly Tried to Convince You Was Something Like This One', when Barry tries to watch 'Radio Days' at the Enfield Cannon in an audience brought up on cartoons and chainsaw movies.

• Apple Macintosh

There have been numerous references over the years in G'EB! to Mr Jobs' wonderful computers, usually accompanied by a plea for Apple to send us one of their latest top of the range models as a reward for the plug. It hasn't worked so far, but as you can see, we're still trying.

• The Assassination of John F Kennedy Considered as a Downhill Motor Race

This short, um... story by JG Ballard is credited as the inspiration for the feature 'Snakes and... er, Snakes!' in issue 012. However, as we pointed out in the introduction to that piece, its more likely origin is a very similar article in a Wolves fanzine which they in turn are believed to have stolen from Dundee's contribution to 'Its Twelve Inches High... and Made of Solid Gold', a 1992 compilation of fanzine pieces. But, should this inspire you to check out the Ballard story anyway, you'll find it in 'The Atrocity Exhibition', an anthology of some of his short stories.

• The Brink of Disaster

What Brian Keen and his consortium were honoured for rescuing Barrow from in the 1999 Cumbria Sports Awards and referred to in our breakdown of that traumatic year on this site. 'The Brink of Disaster' was the title of one of the episodes that featured the Daleks in the very first 'Dr Who' series back in 1963. The next episode was called 'The Edge of Destruction.' Same thing, really.

• Bruno Bettelheim

The late psychiatrist and child development expert is name-checked twice in the credits for issue 003.

• Drusilla Beyfus

In issue 030, Dr Debbie complains that her problem page is becoming more like Drusilla Beyfus Etiquette Page. Well, strange as it may seem, we didn't make that name up. The real Drusilla Beyfus does have an etiquette page, noteworthy for the extravagantly circumlocutory style in which it is written, in 'You' magazine, the colour supplement that comes with the Mail on Sunday.

This, of course, begs an explanation of how we come to know this. After all, what self-respecting and politically correct football fanzine would wish to admit to more than a passing acquaintance with such a vacuous, elitist, reactionary and celebrity-obsessed piece of tosh as the Mail on Sunday, let alone own up to buying it every weekend. Okay, here goes...

Well, its still about the only Sunday paper that prints goalscorers and attendances for the UniBond League, crucial when you want to know the details about Barrow's result. So, if any of you know of any other Sunday paper (aside from Sport First) that has this level of detail, then please let us know.

The promise of a quick £750, no not from those stupid scratch cards they have in the colour pages, but from its general knowledge crossword. Every week we start it and every week we finish it apart from the odd two or three. Not that we're ever likely to win even if we did complete it, of course, but it would be nice to have that satisfaction every now and again.

The wife likes it (deciding factor). That's why we can't buy Sport First instead.

• Bigmouth Strikes Again

We used this Smiths song from the album 'The Queen is Dead' as the title for pieces of cuttings and quotations in the early editions. Surprisingly it only reached no.26 when it was released as a single in 1986.

• Big Swifty, etc.

The following aliases - Big Swifty; World's Greatest Living Philostopher; Nocturnal Gregarious Wild Swine; Steno Pool; and Hunchman (and Hunchwoman) - bestowed upon contributors in the credits of issue 037 all refer to characters in 'The Adventures of Greggary Peccary', the epic twenty minute track about a little pig who invents the calendar; and that takes up one side of the 1978 Frank Zappa album, 'Studio Tan'.

• Bill and Ted

There are a couple of passing references to the movies 'Bill and Ted's Amazing Adventure' and 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' in various issues from the 1992-93 season. Nothing too deep (well they wouldn't be in a Bill and Ted movie now, would they?), no hidden quotes or anything. And if you're thinking well, at least they've gotten those out of their system, then think again, because as soon as we can think of a way to work in any Pee Wee Herman references, then they're going in too!

• Blue Nile

This Scottish group who are mentioned in our history of Give 'Em Beans! are noteworthy on two counts...

Unusually for a Scottish group, they aren't crap. If you want evidence to back that up, then here are just a few examples of lamentable bands from north of the border going back to the early 1970s: Middle of the Road; The Bay City Rollers; The Sensational Alex Harvey Band; Altered Images; Simple Minds; The Proclaimers; Wet, Wet, Wet; not forgetting of course, the worst of them all, the crusting on the poo, as it were, the execrable Texas. I rest my case.

Also remarkable is their amount of recorded output, or rather, their lack of it. Their three albums in seventeen years makes even such a recalcitrant troubador as Randy Newman (eleven in 32 years, not including his soundtrack releases) seem prolific. For the record, they are 'A Walk across the Rooftops' (1983), 'Hats' (1988) and 'Peace at Last' (1996) which means with luck there might be another one around the time of the next World Cup. Hence the expression 'once in a Blue Nile.'

• Theme from Brookside

In 'Welcome to the HFS' in issue 012 Stafford Rangers were described as 'worse than the theme music from 'Brookside'.' Self-explanatory, really.

• Phil (sic) Calf

Phil Coogan's monstrous Mancunian lager lad made an appearance on the cover of issue 018, indulging in one of our favourite passions - slagging off Boston United. Yes, it should be Paul Calf, of course, but this glaring error slipped through our Quality Control, much to our eternal shame.

• Charlie Freak

The name of one of the 'Editor's Baby's Cuddly Toy XI 1995-96' featured on the back cover of issue 023. Charlie, who 'had but one thing to call his own' was named after side two, track five of the 1974 Steely Dan album 'Pretzel Logic'. While there are not as many references to these almost forgotten seventies greats as the online editor either a) likes to pretend there are, or b) would like there to be, this next entry comes courtesy of the Dan too.

• The Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian, make tonight a wonderful thing

These words, together with 'and the latest issue of... [Give 'Em Beans!]', above the masthead of issue 023 are from 'Hey Nineteen', side one, track two of the 1980 Steely Dan album 'Gaucho'.

• The Count Basie Orchestra (on triangle)

Something of an afterthought to the 'Spice, Angels and Devils' film script when we realised we had cast everybody apart from the crowd milling around outside Old Trafford before the game. Anyway, after an exhaustive round of auditions we finally awarded the role to the Count Basie Orchestra, 'on triangle' being a direct steal from 'The Intro and the Outro' by the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band.

• The Dada Darling

A fanzine type identified in our Good Fanzine Guide (issue 023), and a pun on the track 'Dada Dali' from Todd Rundgren's 1973 elpee 'A Wizard/A True Star', one of the all-time classic albums of psychedelia.

• Deacon Blue

Hey, here's another one for our list of crap Scottish bands above. But they were also the subject of a joke in issue 014 which went thusly...

Southport fan overheard at a Deacon Blue gig: "Er, you see those two singers... well, which one's Deke and which one's Blue?"

If we did that joke now we'd update it a little. Today it would be...

Southport fan at a Skunk Anansie gig: "Er, I suppose that girl singer must be Nancy... so which one's Skunk then?"

• Elias de Crook

The purported writer of issue 003's Letter from Enfield is a particularly forced pun on Alistair Cook, whose 'Letter from America' was a staple of the Home Service for many years. This is just the first of a series of intermittent references over the years to programmes broadcast on Radio 4, namely...

In a review of 'An Evening with Gary Lineker' in issue 015 we refer to 'Loose Ends' as 'that smug refuge of the middle class.'

The inspiration for the Rev. A Wrightwally who appears from time to time with his Thought for the Day, is the identically named feature on the 'Today' programme.

The 'deck chair attendant of time who gathers in the deckchairs of fortune before the tide of destiny sweeps them away' in issue 024's endpiece is a pastiche of Humphrey Lyttleton from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', as are quotes in a similar style in following issues.

This last one was spotted by Eddie Grundy, a correspondent in issue 025. Following that, Eddie went on to write a number of articles for us, that is when he could get the time off from being one of the leading characters in 'The Archers', of course.

• Nigel Dempster

The famous society columnist was the inspiration for the spoof gossip column 'Hampster's Hot Gossip' which ran between issues 020 and 022.

• Don't Eat (the) Yellow Snow

Very nearly another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, but since by his own admission the present editor's only acquaintance with the Zappa oeuvre is the song 'Valley Girl', the appearance of the graffito 'Don't eat yellow snow' on the Holker Street Wall in issue 033 doesn't quite qualify. After all, it is missing the crucial word 'the' that would make it the title of the opening track on the 1974 album 'Apostrophe (')'. So in the meantime, take heed of the warning of Nanook's mother 'written on whatever it is they write it on up there' and 'watch out where the huskies go.'

• Don't Look Back in Anger

Sad to say we're reduced to Oasis references these days. This is the subtitle of a retrospective piece on the 1995-96 season that appeared in issue 026.

• A Dream Goes on Forever

'A million old soldiers will fade away, but a dream [and Kevin Proctor] goes on forever' is the opening sentence in the article 'Kev and Me' in issue 011. These words (without the parenthetical interjection, of course) are the first line of 'A Dream Goes On Forever' from 'Todd', another Rundgren masterpiece, from 1974. The title 'Kev and Me' itself alludes to the film 'Roger and Me' by Michael Moore, coincidentally enough the name of another boy in the same year as Kevin and myself at Barrow Grammar School.

• Dr Dick

The character of Dr Debbie's sometime collaborator on her problem page is a direct steal from the estranged husband of the eponymous heroine of the Channel 4 sitcom 'Cybill' starring Cybill Shepherd.

• Dr Whosonfirstwhatsonsecondandidontknowsonthird

This byline on a piece about time travel in issue 016 is taken from a famous old Abbott and Costello routine, which in turn was the inspiration for 'The Story of Yu and Hu' in issue 038 and elsewhere on this site.

Pseud's Corner • A - D
It's not too late to go back, you know...
• Ain't this what living is really all about? It most certainly is. The first of many tiresome Frank Zappa references in Give 'Em Beans! over the years, and we explain them all here. So you'd better get used to them. This line, from 'Wet T-Shirt Nite', side two track one of his 1980 album 'Joe's Garage Part 1', crops up in issue 012's 'Sophist's Choice', where we really do explain the meaning of life in words of less than three syllables. • Woody Allen Rather than trying to get them to do it themselves, back in the old days we actually used to write articles that people asked us to. For example, in response to a request for 'Features You'd Like To See in Give 'Em Beans!' in our issue 004 Reader's Poll, we wrote the following for one reader who asked for a Woody Allen Retrospective. Between 'Take The Money and Run' (1969) and 'Crimes and Misdemeanours' (1990), Woody Allen has written, directed and/or starred in twenty films, all of which are about a million times better than 'Total Recall'. Back then I would have been able to name those twenty films, but I can't any more. Let's just say Woody's tally must be well over thirty by now. There are at least two more references to Woody Allen in past issues, one of which we explore in some more detail in our S-Z section, and could even be construed as a Woody Allen reference to G'EB! The second is in issue 011's episode of our serial 'The Mind Bogglingly Bamboozling Adventures of Barry Andrew Franklin Cresswell, Barrow's Greatest Fan in a Parallel Universe We Somewhat Unconvincingly Tried to Convince You Was Something Like This One', when Barry tries to watch 'Radio Days' at the Enfield Cannon in an audience brought up on cartoons and chainsaw movies. • Apple Macintosh There have been numerous references over the years in G'EB! to Mr Jobs' wonderful computers, usually accompanied by a plea for Apple to send us one of their latest top of the range models as a reward for the plug. It hasn't worked so far, but as you can see, we're still trying. • The Assassination of John F Kennedy Considered as a Downhill Motor Race This short, um... story by JG Ballard is credited as the inspiration for the feature 'Snakes and... er, Snakes!' in issue 012. However, as we pointed out in the introduction to that piece, its more likely origin is a very similar article in a Wolves fanzine which they in turn are believed to have stolen from Dundee's contribution to 'Its Twelve Inches High... and Made of Solid Gold', a 1992 compilation of fanzine pieces. But, should this inspire you to check out the Ballard story anyway, you'll find it in 'The Atrocity Exhibition', an anthology of some of his short stories. • The Brink of Disaster What Brian Keen and his consortium were honoured for rescuing Barrow from in the 1999 Cumbria Sports Awards and referred to in our breakdown of that traumatic year on this site. 'The Brink of Disaster' was the title of one of the episodes that featured the Daleks in the very first 'Dr Who' series back in 1963. The next episode was called 'The Edge of Destruction.' Same thing, really. • Bruno Bettelheim The late psychiatrist and child development expert is name-checked twice in the credits for issue 003.
• Drusilla Beyfus In issue 030, Dr Debbie complains that her problem page is becoming more like Drusilla Beyfus Etiquette Page. Well, strange as it may seem, we didn't make that name up. The real Drusilla Beyfus does have an etiquette page, noteworthy for the extravagantly circumlocutory style in which it is written, in 'You' magazine, the colour supplement that comes with the Mail on Sunday. This, of course, begs an explanation of how we come to know this. After all, what self-respecting and politically correct football fanzine would wish to admit to more than a passing acquaintance with such a vacuous, elitist, reactionary and celebrity-obsessed piece of tosh as the Mail on Sunday, let alone own up to buying it every weekend. Okay, here goes... Well, its still about the only Sunday paper that prints goalscorers and attendances for the UniBond League, crucial when you want to know the details about Barrow's result. So, if any of you know of any other Sunday paper (aside from Sport First) that has this level of detail, then please let us know. The promise of a quick £750, no not from those stupid scratch cards they have in the colour pages, but from its general knowledge crossword. Every week we start it and every week we finish it apart from the odd two or three. Not that we're ever likely to win even if we did complete it, of course, but it would be nice to have that satisfaction every now and again. The wife likes it (deciding factor). That's why we can't buy Sport First instead.
• Bigmouth Strikes Again We used this Smiths song from the album 'The Queen is Dead' as the title for pieces of cuttings and quotations in the early editions. Surprisingly it only reached no.26 when it was released as a single in 1986. • Big Swifty, etc. The following aliases - Big Swifty; World's Greatest Living Philostopher; Nocturnal Gregarious Wild Swine; Steno Pool; and Hunchman (and Hunchwoman) - bestowed upon contributors in the credits of issue 037 all refer to characters in 'The Adventures of Greggary Peccary', the epic twenty minute track about a little pig who invents the calendar; and that takes up one side of the 1978 Frank Zappa album, 'Studio Tan'. • Bill and Ted There are a couple of passing references to the movies 'Bill and Ted's Amazing Adventure' and 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' in various issues from the 1992-93 season. Nothing too deep (well they wouldn't be in a Bill and Ted movie now, would they?), no hidden quotes or anything. And if you're thinking well, at least they've gotten those out of their system, then think again, because as soon as we can think of a way to work in any Pee Wee Herman references, then they're going in too! • Blue Nile This Scottish group who are mentioned in our history of Give 'Em Beans! are noteworthy on two counts... Unusually for a Scottish group, they aren't crap. If you want evidence to back that up, then here are just a few examples of lamentable bands from north of the border going back to the early 1970s: Middle of the Road; The Bay City Rollers; The Sensational Alex Harvey Band; Altered Images; Simple Minds; The Proclaimers; Wet, Wet, Wet; not forgetting of course, the worst of them all, the crusting on the poo, as it were, the execrable Texas. I rest my case. Also remarkable is their amount of recorded output, or rather, their lack of it. Their three albums in seventeen years makes even such a recalcitrant troubador as Randy Newman (eleven in 32 years, not including his soundtrack releases) seem prolific. For the record, they are 'A Walk across the Rooftops' (1983), 'Hats' (1988) and 'Peace at Last' (1996) which means with luck there might be another one around the time of the next World Cup. Hence the expression 'once in a Blue Nile.' • Theme from Brookside In 'Welcome to the HFS' in issue 012 Stafford Rangers were described as 'worse than the theme music from 'Brookside'.' Self-explanatory, really. • Phil (sic) Calf Phil Coogan's monstrous Mancunian lager lad made an appearance on the cover of issue 018, indulging in one of our favourite passions - slagging off Boston United. Yes, it should be Paul Calf, of course, but this glaring error slipped through our Quality Control, much to our eternal shame. • Charlie Freak The name of one of the 'Editor's Baby's Cuddly Toy XI 1995-96' featured on the back cover of issue 023. Charlie, who 'had but one thing to call his own' was named after side two, track five of the 1974 Steely Dan album 'Pretzel Logic'. While there are not as many references to these almost forgotten seventies greats as the online editor either a) likes to pretend there are, or b) would like there to be, this next entry comes courtesy of the Dan too. • The Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian, make tonight a wonderful thing These words, together with 'and the latest issue of... [Give 'Em Beans!]', above the masthead of issue 023 are from 'Hey Nineteen', side one, track two of the 1980 Steely Dan album 'Gaucho'. • The Count Basie Orchestra (on triangle) Something of an afterthought to the 'Spice, Angels and Devils' film script when we realised we had cast everybody apart from the crowd milling around outside Old Trafford before the game. Anyway, after an exhaustive round of auditions we finally awarded the role to the Count Basie Orchestra, 'on triangle' being a direct steal from 'The Intro and the Outro' by the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band. • The Dada Darling A fanzine type identified in our Good Fanzine Guide (issue 023), and a pun on the track 'Dada Dali' from Todd Rundgren's 1973 elpee 'A Wizard/A True Star', one of the all-time classic albums of psychedelia. • Deacon Blue Hey, here's another one for our list of crap Scottish bands above. But they were also the subject of a joke in issue 014 which went thusly... Southport fan overheard at a Deacon Blue gig: "Er, you see those two singers... well, which one's Deke and which one's Blue?" If we did that joke now we'd update it a little. Today it would be... Southport fan at a Skunk Anansie gig: "Er, I suppose that girl singer must be Nancy... so which one's Skunk then?" • Elias de Crook The purported writer of issue 003's Letter from Enfield is a particularly forced pun on Alistair Cook, whose 'Letter from America' was a staple of the Home Service for many years. This is just the first of a series of intermittent references over the years to programmes broadcast on Radio 4, namely... In a review of 'An Evening with Gary Lineker' in issue 015 we refer to 'Loose Ends' as 'that smug refuge of the middle class.' The inspiration for the Rev. A Wrightwally who appears from time to time with his Thought for the Day, is the identically named feature on the 'Today' programme. The 'deck chair attendant of time who gathers in the deckchairs of fortune before the tide of destiny sweeps them away' in issue 024's endpiece is a pastiche of Humphrey Lyttleton from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', as are quotes in a similar style in following issues. This last one was spotted by Eddie Grundy, a correspondent in issue 025. Following that, Eddie went on to write a number of articles for us, that is when he could get the time off from being one of the leading characters in 'The Archers', of course. • Nigel Dempster The famous society columnist was the inspiration for the spoof gossip column 'Hampster's Hot Gossip' which ran between issues 020 and 022. • Don't Eat (the) Yellow Snow Very nearly another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, but since by his own admission the present editor's only acquaintance with the Zappa oeuvre is the song 'Valley Girl', the appearance of the graffito 'Don't eat yellow snow' on the Holker Street Wall in issue 033 doesn't quite qualify. After all, it is missing the crucial word 'the' that would make it the title of the opening track on the 1974 album 'Apostrophe (')'. So in the meantime, take heed of the warning of Nanook's mother 'written on whatever it is they write it on up there' and 'watch out where the huskies go.' • Don't Look Back in Anger Sad to say we're reduced to Oasis references these days. This is the subtitle of a retrospective piece on the 1995-96 season that appeared in issue 026. • A Dream Goes on Forever 'A million old soldiers will fade away, but a dream [and Kevin Proctor] goes on forever' is the opening sentence in the article 'Kev and Me' in issue 011. These words (without the parenthetical interjection, of course) are the first line of 'A Dream Goes On Forever' from 'Todd', another Rundgren masterpiece, from 1974. The title 'Kev and Me' itself alludes to the film 'Roger and Me' by Michael Moore, coincidentally enough the name of another boy in the same year as Kevin and myself at Barrow Grammar School. • Dr Dick The character of Dr Debbie's sometime collaborator on her problem page is a direct steal from the estranged husband of the eponymous heroine of the Channel 4 sitcom 'Cybill' starring Cybill Shepherd. • Dr Whosonfirstwhatsonsecondandidontknowsonthird This byline on a piece about time travel in issue 016 is taken from a famous old Abbott and Costello routine, which in turn was the inspiration for 'The Story of Yu and Hu' in issue 038 and elsewhere on this site.