Pseud's Corner
• E - K
• Earned Run Average
One of several references in G'EB! over the years to the world's second greatest sport - baseball. This appeared in issue 012's 'Where Are They Now?' with a request not to ask what it meant because we didn't have the space to explain it. Well, we've about 20Mb now, so here goes...
In baseball a pitcher's effectiveness is determined by his Earned Run Average (ERA). An earned run is one that is judged to have been scored without there having been any error committed by the fielding side. Thus, to find a pitcher's ERA, you must multiply the number of earned runs he has allowed the opposing team by nine; then divide this figure by the number of innings he has pitched. This gives the average number of earned runs given up per nine innings (the standard number each team faces per game in non-tied circumstances) pitched. An ERA of under 3.50 is good, under 3.00 is excellent.
Coming soon, the Infield Fly Rule.
• The Eels
According to the Editor, there's a reference to/quote from an Eels song somewhere between issues 025 and 030. However, he can't remember it now and I'm damned if I know what it is.
The title of this issue 007 article on players who have made the least number of appearances for Barrow in the post-war years is, of course, a paraphrase of Andy Warhol's celebrated observation that 'in the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.' We pointed out that if you play one game for Barrow, then at least you get a full hour and a half, unless of course your name happens to be Gary Brown. Gary was shortchanged badly in the fame stakes as his solitary appearance in a Barrow shirt was when Graham Heathcote brought him on as substitute only twelve seconds from the end of the HFS Loans League match at home to Southport in October 1992.
• Fiesta
We can't say that when we were seventeen or so, that this was ever our nackie mag of choice (despite, or more probably because of, its legendary 'Readers Wives' feature), but this famous top shelf title has still provided G'EB! with a surprising number of references over the years, namely...
- 'So that's what happened to that copy of Fiesta which disappeared from the press box' in Paul Ferris expose of the porno industry in issue 004.
- One of the magazines the Football Widow bought for her husband to wean him off Team Talk and put a bit of spice back in their life in issue 008's 'Dr Fester's Casebook'.
- One of the magazines Halfcock Holmes sends out for while investigating the 'Mystery of the Empty Trophy Cabinet' in issue 023.
- Fiesta Online is one of the icons 'Inside the Give 'Em Beans! Computer' on the back cover of issue 029.
Significantly, the car which the pervert who gives Barry Cresswell a lift is driving in 'The Further Adventures of Barry Andrew Franklin Cresswell in a Parallel Universe Not Totally Unadjacent to This One, etc.' in issue 012 is a blue Ford Fiesta. Just another masterly example of conceptual continuity in Give 'Em Beans!
• For Emley, Whenever I May Find Her
What a dream I had... I dreamt that when the Barrow team coach turned up late for a night match in Emley, we immediately turned to the incredibly soppy Simon and Garfunkel track 'For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her' from their 1966 album 'Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme' for its cunningly punning properties as a title for a possible article on the scenario. So when this dream came true in 1994, did we use this to headline our piece in issue 020? Did we ßø!!ø¢#$, preferring the far catchier 'Emley Part IV - the Nightmare Continues' instead.
• Forget it
No, not another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, despite this being the closing phrase of the track 'It Can't Happen Here' on the very first Zappa/Mothers album, the 1966 double 'Freak Out!' It is, strangely enough, just a common phrase occurring naturally (unlike the word 'Ironic' below) in John Woods' column in issue 031.
• Friends, enemies and people we don't know from Adam
The dedication 'to the following friends, associates and people we don't know from Adam' on the Scroll of Honour, originally printed in our fifth anniversary edition 021 and updated on this site is a direct steal from the list of 'friends, enemies and people we don't know from Adam' that appears on the back cover of 'Buffalo Springfield Again', the group's second album, released in 1968.
• Give 'Em Beans! in World Literature
This process isn't all one way, you know. Following the link on this subheading will bring you to a series of examples where the most famous football fanzine in non-League has been referred to in some of the classics of the world's literature (and a fair few stupid science fiction novels too).
• Golden Cadillac
The original description of Graham's post match drink in the bar with Eric Cantona at the end of issue 044's instalment of 'Spice, Angels and Devils' was of 'some horrible concoction with a cocktail umbrella a la Del Boy' eventually evolved into a Golden Cadillac. Apparently this particular cocktail has a reputation as a somewhat effeminate drink, but if you want to try one the recipe is...
1 part Galliano
1 part White Curacao or Cointreau
1 part fresh cream
Shake over ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and enjoy.
• Goodnight, Austin, Texas, wherever you are
Another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, though I still think its a good quote to wish you farewell from a site you could be reading anywhere in the world. This one is from 'Muffin Man' the closing track on his 1975 collaboration with Captain Beefheart, 'Bongo Fury'.
• G-Spot Tornado
Another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, this is another icon 'Inside the Give 'Em Beans! Computer' on the back cover of issue 029. This somewhat hyperactive tune, the opening track on side two of the 1986 album 'Jazz From Hell', was, interestingly enough (or maybe not), Germaine Greer's first choice of record on some Talk Radio clone of Desert Island Discs, the proper title of which escapes me now. Does this kind of life look interesting to you?
• Hagerty Hagerty Thompson Carrick Dewhurst and Crapper
The name of the advertising agency that Steve Knox finally frustrates in issue 022's 'Hampster's Hot Gossip' story 'Knox Necks NikNaks', are six players from the Barnestoneworth team in 'Golden Graham', one of Michael Palin and Terry Jones' seventies television series of 'Ripping Yarns.'
By now it's been pretty well documented that the so-called funny people on 'Have I Got News for You?' aren't anywhere near as amusing as they like to think they are, and that given as much time as they have to rehearse their so-called spontaneous lines, then even comparative dullards such as you and I could do as well, a fact we alluded to in issue 023 when we came up with no less than four alternative captions for our cover picture.
However, when the current Ed was invited to an event in Manchester at which Ian Hislop was the guest speaker, it seemed the ideal opportunity to get a scoop interview with the man himself. Though in the end Graham couldn't go because the date clashed with a Barrow away match, the people who invited him were kindly able to deliver a plain brown envelope containing a list of questions and a back issue of G'EB! to Mr. Hislop. But, as Graham now admits, this was before he 'knew of Mr. Hislop's legendary antipathy to all things sporting.' He did, however, get a reply, albeit a rather rude one from a lady with a very plummy voice and a very abrupt manner. Graham's wife took the call, and to the best of her recollection it went something like this...
"Don't do it. He doesn't like football and he isn't going to do anything for you. So don't do it. I am representing the personal office of Ian Hislop and I have been instructed to tell you that Mr Hislop has no intention of answering your request for an interview. So forget it. In any event, you made no mention of any payment and Mr. Hislop is far too busy to give you any kind of reply. So just forget it."
That was one Dorothy Jennings, who I guess must be some sort of PR to the great man. The Ed says he used to like Hislop on 'Have I Got News for You?' but that now he can't watch it any more. As for me, I always thought he (Hislop) was an unfunny pompous little git.
• Hello, hello, we're back again
Sad to say, there is even a Gary Glitter reference in a past G'EB! (and it would still be as sad even if he hadn't been put away for those child porn offences back in 1999). Yes, there's no getting away from it, I'm afraid, for this allusion to his 1973 no.1 hit 'Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again', appeared in bold type for all to see on the cover of issue 024 trumpeting our return from the dead after it seemed we may have to close after issue 023. Well, Gary, we might have come back, but somehow I don't think you will now, eh?
• Henderson the Rain King
This 1959 Saul Bellow novel is what the Ralph Vaughan Williams is in the former editor's letter to the current editor in issue 027. Uh?
• Henry Portraitofacerealkiller
The tag line on issue 023's 'Good Fanzine Guide' is a very silly pun on John McNaughton's 1989 film and is meant, in some obscure way, to allude to our having put one over on the Ricicle Thieves listed in the same article.
• HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy
Marvin the Paranoid Android reviewing the great cultural events of the 1992 close season in issue 012, the icon Ford Prefect 'Inside the Give 'Em Beans! Computer' on the back cover of issue 029, and the reference to 'life, the Universe and almost everything' on the introductory page of this site are the specific G'EB! references to the series of books by Douglas Adams. Oh, and the fact that there were 42 issues of Beans! in its first decade must indicate that it is inextricably tied up with the meaning of life somehow.
• Homecoming, Hat Trick, Holiday, Hearts, Hideaway, Harbour, and History
The titles of the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh America albums, together with their Greatest Hits collection are alluded to in the Online Ed's interruption of issue 030's 'Premier League Clubs and Their Mascots'. If you spotted this one, you're as sad as I am.
In the same aside, however, there is a reference to wartime Nazi propaganda minister Josef Goebells and his wife, Magda. In one of those weird synchronicities, the Goebells also gave all six of their children names that begin with the letter 'H'. They were Hela, Hilda, Helmut, Holde, Hedda and Heide.
• How could I be such a fool?
A missed opportunity for another tiresome Frank Zappa reference. For reasons too complicated to explore here, but which generally revolve around the complete and utter infallibility of the research staff of that fabulous British institution, the BBC, we discovered to our great horror that for all these years the actual name of our beloved Barrow AFC has actually been 'ex-Newcastle United.' So traumatised were we by this revelation, that when we reported it in issue 017's 'Message From a Monkey', we neglected to modify our expression of that shock - 'How could I have been such a fool?' - to the correct tense. For 'How Could I Be Such a Fool?' is, as I'm sure you're all aware, track six of the first Zappa/Mothers album 'Freak Out!'
There are several references to sightings of the Simply Red lead singer standing outside Holker St selling Give 'Em Beans! in issues up to about 1994, which is strange because none of our sellers ever bore the slightest resemblance to the diminutive Mancunian.
• If you build it, it will come
Asked to predict the future of Barrow AFC in his 'Contributor Profile' in issue 040, Ralph Sheppard foresees our survival, quoting Shane Westley as saying 'If you build it, it will come', before wondering if maybe it was someone else? Yes, Ralph, it was. 'If you build it, he will come' is from 'Field of Dreams' (and is also quoted in 'The Cable Guy'), the 1989 film we first recommended seeing in issue 004's 'Triviamania'.
• Ignore the awful times and concentrate on the good ones
...as they say on the planet Tralfamadore in Kurt Vonnegut's 1969 novel 'Slaughterhouse 5', and quoted in the face of impending relegation in 'Triviamania' in issue 010.
This title of Graham Murphy's trip to Mossley in issue 016 is named after the Skids no.10 hit single of 1979.
One of the more perplexing aspects of recent Beans! is the current editor's partiality to the works of hatchet-voiced songstress (or 'caterwaulling harridan' as one Guardian reviewer memorably put it) Alanis Morrisette. According to the Ed there is a cunningly hidden reference to one of her songs in issue 029. On closer inspection this merely turns out to be the word 'ironic'. So does this mean that every time the word 'ironic' occurs in the natural flow of events, it's a coded Alanis Morrisette reference? I most sincerely hope not. After all, in a recent poll conducted by the Online Ed amongst himself, this list of things that aren't ironic at all came a close third behind 'What's Goin' On?' by 4-Non Blondes, and the complete works of Texas, as the worst song ever written anywhere by anyone anytime ever. When we get around to putting in links to the websites of all the wonderful people you see mentioned here, there won't be any to any Alanis Morrisette sites, you can be sure of that!
• Isn't this just Give 'Em Beans! publishing under a different name in a vain attempt to get some recognition for their cruddy fanzine?
Another tiresome Frank Zappa reference. This comment by the young lad on the cover of Lucky Thirteen misquotes the dog/boy lead guitarist on the cover of 'Cruising with Ruben and the Jets', the early Zappa/Mothers homage album to the doo-wop groups of the fifties: 'Is this the Mothers of Invention recording under a different name in a last ditch attempt to get their cruddy music on the radio?'
Another tiresome Frank Zappa reference, first edited into 'The Prisoner' (issue 017), Referee McFuddle's account of his time in the village, edited out for reasons of space and edited back in again for this website. This one is from 'Camarillo Brillo', the opening track on the 1973 album 'Overnite Sensation', and also 'Cosmik Debris' on 1974's 'Apostrophe (')'.
• Horst Jankowski
One of the letters from issue 023's 'Barrow AFC International Supporters Club European Postbag' was from a 'Horst Jankowski, Krakow, Poland.' Could this be the same Horst Jankowski, we wondered, who took his instrumental 'A Walk in the Black Forest' to no.3 in 1965? This agreeable little stroll of thirds up and down the keyboard probably sounds incredibly bland to today's generation, but is still about ten trillion times more musical than anything by, say, the Chemical Brothers or any other of these bloody rave bands. Try writing a TUNE, boys, it helps sometimes.
• Juvenal
No, not 'juvenile', though we have been called that many times. The quote 'Many suffer from the incurable disease of writing and it beomes chronic in their sick minds' above the masthead of issue 032 is taken from Juvenal's 'Satires' which was published around 100BC.
There was a time in the early nineties when you just couldn't get away from Nigel Kennedy in the media. Whenever you opened your magazine or turned on the television, there he was, bleating on about Aston Villa or Vivaldi. This ubiquity prompted us to write an open letter to him in issue 003. As a piece of some historical and sociological significance, the complete text of this letter is reproduced below.
Dear Nigel,You are very boring. Every time I open a paper or magazine, there you are raving on about Aston Villa again. Don't you realise that nobody gives a stuff about them apart from you? I was going to write to the editor of every national newspaper and magazine and ask that they stop writing about you, but there are thousands of them and only one of you. I suppose that's something to be grateful for.
Best wishes
Give 'Em Beans!
PS The next time you see Mr. Vivaldi, tell him there are only TWO seasons; the football season and the close season. I thought all Italians knew this sort of stuff anyway.
• The King of Wishful Thinking
This reference to Go West's 1990 no.18 hit single in the film script version of 'Spice, Angels and Devils' is not intended to be ironic or in any way insincere or derogatory. No, really. Have a listen to their Greatest Hits compilation, 'Aces and Kings', if you don't believe me. (Its also the little theme over the Gracie Films logo at the end credits of each episode of 'The Simpsons')
