Remember when the Bolton Wanderers club mascot, Lofty the Lion, got into trouble for intimidating the supporters of Wolverhampton Wanderers, who tried to break through a safety gate to get at him. We were never quite sure if the Wolves supporters were riled by his stupid name (a reference to Bolton's legendary player of the 1950's, Nat Lofthouse, who earned the nickname of the 'Lion of Vienna' after a stirring display in an Austria v England game) or by his antics on the field. Anyway, this got us thinking. So that's a first for Give 'Em Beans! And we thought it would be a good idea to list the mascots of the twenty Premier League teams. So we did. And here they are...

IT'S a JUNGLE OUT THERE

Twenty Premier League Teams and their Mascots
  1. ARSENAL
    Gunnersauras, a green, prehistoric monster wearing a baseball cap, closely modelled on Tony Adams.

  2. ASTON VILLA
    Hercules the Lion, which has nothing to do with the club at all. Don Quixote might have been more appropriate. Well, they never win anything, so they're always tilting at windmills.

  3. BLACKBURN ROVERS
    Arley, a friendly giant. About the only thing that is friendly in Blackburn.

  4. CHELSEA
    Stamford the Lion. Yes, another King of the Jungle. I suppose it's better than Stamford the Bridge.

  5. COVENTRY CITY
    Sky Blue Sam, who, inexplicably, is an elephant. As if you ever see sky blue elephants. They should have called him Sky Blue Dumbo, because at least Dumbo can fly. Unlike Coventry, who remain stuck at the wrong end of the Premier League each season.

  6. DERBY COUNTY
    Rammie the Ram. Very inventive. Why Rammie? Their Commercial Director must have been up all night thinking of that one. Wonder if Stan the Ram ever occurred to him?

  7. EVERTON
    No-hopers who don't have a mascot. But the obvious choice would be the Toffee Monster, a creature who can get himself out of sticky situations, just like Howard Kendall.

  8. LEEDS UNITED
    Ellie the Elephant. Why? Another one from the 'no earthly connection' department.

  9. LEICESTER CITY
    Filbert the Fox and Vicky the Vixen. That's better. (No it isn't. Online Ed. If there's one thing worse than an alliterative character name, it's two alliterative character names. There ought to be a law passed against this sort of thing, then people wouldn't be able to buy a hamster and call it Hammy, Harry, Hal, Horatio, etc. although Homecoming, HatTrick, Holiday, Hearts, Hideaway, Harbour or History may just about be acceptable. Should you decide, however, to buy a breeding pair of gerbils, then you really need look no further than the names Josef and Magda [Josef and Magda Goebells/ Gerbils, geddit?].)

  10. LIVERPOOL
    Too arrogant to bother. But it should be the Liver Bird which would bring a little much needed glamour to the game.

  11. MANCHESTER UNITED
    Fred the Red, a strange creature who carries a trident to symbolise their attitude to everyone else, i.e.) two fingers.

  12. MIDDLESBROUGH
    Roary the Lion, another one that taxed the brains of the Commercial Director. Note the spelling; it's not just plain Rory. Another triumph for marketing.

  13. NEWCASTLE UNITED
    Those who expected the Sheep Sha... er, Shearer will be disappointed. It's Monty Magpie.

  14. NOTTINGHAM FOREST
    Robin Hood, a squirrel. Robin Hood, okay, but why a squirrel for Cowps sake? Robin Hood was a human being and he should stay that way.

  15. SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
    Ossie Owl. Good to see the birds making a comeback amongst all the lions and elephants.

  16. SOUTHAMPTON
    Supersaint. A dog, not to be mistaken for Graham Souness.

  17. SUNDERLAND
    Sampson the Cat. Why a cat? And why is he called Sampson?

  18. TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
    No mascot. And no imagination. What would you expect from a club run by Alan Sugar and Gerry Francis?

  19. WEST HAM UNITED
    Herbie the Hammer. He's not an animal. He's an, er, household tool. Suits a team that's forever blowing bubbles.

  20. WIMBLEDON
    Vinnie Jones.
Issue 030 - April 1997

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