Want to start your own fanzine? No problem. Or write your own novel? Piece of cake. Want to become a millionaire? Like falling off a log. All of these seemingly impossible tasks can be mastered in just a few minutes by following our simple step by step guide to making the hardest things in the world easy. So join us as we show you how to master some of the more complicated skills of life...
TEN DIFFICULT THINGS MADE EASY
We all want to do lots of things that seem beyond us. Things that we can only dream about. Fly a jet plane, score a goal at Wembley, get promoted to the Conference. Or perhaps we have a secret desire to do something we've never been able to do before. Like play the tuba, drink six pints without falling over, or become attractive to the opposite sex. But time is short. We've all got lots of things to do. And short attention spans. We are all suffering from Information Overload Syndrome. And none of us can be bothered to make the effort. And why should we? When there is a short cut. Forget the long and winding road. Take the path of least resistance. There's the hard way and there's the Give 'Em Beans! way. We can tell you how to master hundreds of new skills that you thought were beyond you in our new series Ten Difficult Things Made Easy... (okay, there's only two).
Saving a Penalty by The Flying Whale (a pseudonym for a world class goalie)
Penalties are becoming more important. Games are much closer as gaps between the top and the bottom teams in each division get narrower (Are you sure about this? Online Ed). And the introduction of penalty shoot-outs as a way of settling cup ties which would otherwise carry on for three or four replays means that a chap who can stop a penalty is in great demand. More and more teams every season appear content to while away ninety minutes plus extra time meandering about the pitch like grazing sheep and electing to take their chances in the penalty shoot-out. So a goalie who can save penalties is as valuable as a top rated goalscorer and is worth his weight in gold. A goalie who accepts money to throw games can also become very rich. But that's another story. Believe me. As a top international 'keeper, I know what I'm talking about. So how do you go about it? How do you save a penalty? Well, nine times out of ten, the player taking the penalty will shoot across himself. So, if he's right footed, he'll go for the left hand side of the goal as he looks at it, so I'll dive right. And if he's left footed he'll normally go for the right hand side of the goal, so I'll dive left. When I'm waiting for the guy to place the ball and take his run up, I crouch and make myself alert, like a cat. I concentrate. Exclude the noise of the crowd. Think only of saving the ball and where it's going to go and which way I'm going to dive. Then I make myself as big as possible. Next season, I'll be able to move my feet as I'm waiting, which will give me a slightly better chance to reach the ball, I'm never surprised by the direction players pick. I have teams watched and players tend not to change their minds. Remember, all the pressure's on the outfield player. He's expected to score. You're not expected to stop it. But you can.
Hosting a Radio Phone-in by Chris Evans and Danny Baker (pseudonyms for a complete ƒ*¢#¡>¿ knobhead and an arrogant Cockney ß@$*@®¶)
Sounds like the easiest job in the world. Sit behind a desk wearing a pair of earphones and listen to some ignorant plonkers propounding their fundamentally flawed philosophies. And it is. Let your caller make his point, which most of them are hopeless at doing because they're so thick. So you might have to help them. Then, once they've spit it out, jump back down their throats with a witty, sarcastic one liner. Belittle them and make them feel stupid. If you can goad them into losing their temper, even better. It makes great radio. Pretend to lose your temper with them. But be careful. If you really lose your rag, then you lose control. You must at all times be in complete charge of your own emotions as well as those of your callers. If you can goad the caller into swearing at you, then you can cut him off immediately. This also makes for great radio. Even if they don't swear, cut them off anyway. Especially if they disagree with you. It's great for the ego and it really winds people up. Finally, have a stooge with you in the studio who can act slightly thick and whose job it is to make you sound good. He can feed you lines to make you appear witty and knowledgeable and he can provide a sounding board for a bit of laddish banter to show that you're really one of the boys, although you're really a millionaire with a mansion in Surrey and a holiday home in the Bahamas. Then get a contract with Talk Radio. That way no-one will ever hear you again. Issue 030 - April 1997