- ACCRINGTON STANLEY
Stanley the Knife. A sharp blade that cuts through butter
like Accrington's no.9, Ormeroyd, cuts through Barrow's
defence (he got three hat-tricks against us in 1996-97.
Not in the same game, though. Ed.).
- ALFRETON TOWN
Alfie the Miner. Another dinosaur (nice to see political
satire isn't dead. Ed.).
- ALTRINCHAM
Robin Gits, an allusion to their FA Cup win over us in
1996 and a reference to Messrs King and Heathcote's time
at Holker St when they nearly bankrupted Barrow by paying
artificially high salaries for second rate no-hopers that
couldn't even get into the Altrincham team.
- BAMBER BRIDGE
Bamber Gascoigne, with your starter for ten, 'Which team
won the UniBond Premier League championship in their
first season after promotion from Division One, and then
were almost relegated back again in their second season?'
Those who answered 'Marine' are guilty of wishful
thinking.
- BARROW
Zigger Zagger. You'd have to remember the Third Division
days of the late sixties for this one.
- BISHOP AUCKLAND
Bishop Auckland, an ecclesiastical figure who bears a
striking resemblance to G'EB!'s own resident
cleric, the Rev. Wrightwally. Must ask the good reverend
if he's been moonlighting.
- BLYTH SPARTANS
Kirk Douglas, complete with cleft chin and hairy chest,
reprising his role from that classic adventure film of
the fifties, 'The Spartans'.
- BOSTON UNITED
Paul Revere, that mythical figure of the American
Revolution who warned Boston that the British army was
coming (Wrong Boston, you tosser. Ed.).
- BUXTON
Buxton the Blue Cat, who had the starring role in that
seminal cultural classic, the LP version of The Magic
Roundabout, Dougal and the Blue Cat.
- CHORLEY
Maggie the Magpie. One for sorrow and two for joy. It's a
pity Chorley fans can only count to one. It explains the
team's dismal record, FA Trophy excepting.
- COLWYN BAY
The Red Dragon. Well, they are the last surviving
representatives from Wales, so they're entitled to use
their national symbol.
- EMLEY
Emley Bronte. A literary allusion to the author of
'Wuthering Heights'. Which is a pretty good description
of Emley itself.
- FRICKLEY ATHLETIC
No team, no ground, no mascot. Can't afford one.
- GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY
Gaynor the Painter, Wears a smock and a moustache and
walks round with an easel and a handful of brushes.
- GUISELEY
Rod the Cod. Well, the original Harry Ramsden's fish and
chip restaurant is just round the corner from the
ground.
- HYDE UNITED
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A bit of a horror story. Just
like Hyde every time we go there.
- KNOWSLEY UNITED
Harry the Camel, the emblem of Knowsley Safari Park,
Unfortunately he got the hump and left before the season
started.
- LANCASTER CITY
Hank from Lancs. A nutter from the local loony bin who's
been released into a Care in the Community scheme. Much
like the football team, who were released from Morecambe
for broadly similar reasons.
- LEEK TOWN
Pete the Leek, even though it's also the national
vegetable of Wales and it might confuse the Colwyn Bay
fans. Both of them.
- MARINE
Captain BirdsEye. The only sponsored mascot. And they
still don't have enough money to build a new ground.
- RADCLIFFE BOROUGH
Cliff Radchard. Get it? (No. Online Ed.)
- SPENNYMOOR UNITED
Penny Moor, a down to earth, no-nonsense North East lass
straight from one of those Catherine Cookson stories on
the telly, complete with indecipherable accent and head
scarf.
- RUNCORN
Ron Corn. Why? Who gives a toss? We're just running out
of ideas.
- WINSFORD UNITED
Winnie the Lion, Well, we haven't had a lion yet, and a
bit of pride might help them to get out of the UniBond
Premier.
- WITTON ALBION
Sally the Salt Cellar, as befits a club whose ground is
sandwiched between two salt mines and a chemical
works.
Issue 031 - September 1997
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