- The Bland Leader
We have to start with the Bland Leader, simply because
there are so many of them. So called because it's just
dull, dull, dull. Match reports and pious editorials are
staple features as are obscure statistics and
impenetrable in-'jokes'. The Bland Leader always contains
the standard 'All views are those of the individual
contributors. Right of reply guaranteed' type disclaimer,
but surely 'WARNING: Could cause drowsiness. Do not drive
or operate machinery within four hours of reading' would
be more appropriate. As we noted above, there are so many
of these that it would be unfair to single out examples,
but be sure to steer clear of anything where the title
consists of the club's nickname followed by the word
'Review' - it's almost certainty a Supporters' Club
newsletter of the most turgid kind!
- The Pro Job
The Premier League big brother of the Bland Leader.
Beautifully produced on glossy paper; professionally
typeset, professionally written with professional
standard photographs and cartoons, it might as well be
the programme. Usually it's not any more interesting
anyway. For typical examples you need took no further
than most Spurs or Arsenal 'zines. But never fear, for
right at the opposite end of the scale, we have...
- The Non-League Mimeograph
By far the best joke in Farnborough's Simon's
Haircut is always the one on their inside back cover
which reads 'Registered at the Post Office as a few
scrappy bits of A4 stapled together.' And though their
offering is actually far from this, it neatly sums up the
style and appearance of several publications from beneath
the pinnacle of the Conference/Premier
Beazer/Diadora/UniBond non-League axis. But despite being
filled with a host of typographical, grammatical and
spelling errors (though still not as many as in Team
Talk), in many ways the Non-League Mimeograph
represents the heart and soul of fanzines. Originated on
an ancient manual typewriter with a dodgy ribbon and
reproduced on an old stencil machine, its initial print
run is about fifty and in the unlikely event of their
selling out, the editor can run one off specially for
you. Low tech and proud of it, they think an Apple Mac is
a pale green raincoat, but an electronic typewriter would
probably cause a terminal orgasm. For some typical
examples see Herne Bay's Field of Dreams or the
revived South Liverpool Southender/Heckler.
- The Literary Masterpiece
The Literary Masterpiece reads as if every single one of
its writers got a double first in English at Oxford...
and it knows it! Full of self conscious references to its
own lexical errors, split infinitives and the like, it
features metaphors unsurpassed since the days of Raymond
Chandler and a prose style that Martin Amis would die
for. So packed with allusions to popular culture that
even Danny Baker would have trouble taking them all in,
and to classical culture that Richard Baker would have
problems with those. The classic of its kind is Boston
United's late lamented From Behind Your Fences,
but following close behind in the literary stakes
is...
- The Dada Darling
...or the Master of Surreality. The Dada Darling is so
far off the wall even a bucketful of Solvite couldn't get
it back on there. It eschews match reports for an
original mixture of the off-beat, the bizarre, the
curious and the unusual. The Reeves and Mortimer of the
fanzine world in that done well it can be brilliantly
imaginative and hilarious, but done badly, can be
puerile, embarrassing and self indulgent. Two prime
examples of the good are Gillingham's Brian Moore's
Head... and Morecambe's Corpus Christie.
- The Left Whinger
Slough Town's much missed Rebels Without A Clue
remains the model for all aspiring 'zines of this type.
The Left Whinger wears its politics on its sleeve and all
the way through. Politically correct to a fault, you
won't find any sign of racism, sexism, regionalism or any
other ism come to that in here, but what you will find is
plenty of entertainingly vicious abuse directed the
town's sitting Tory MP and their nearest local rivals on
the football field. Which brings us neatly on to...
- The All ß@$*@®¶$ are
ß@$*@®¶$
The All ß@$*@®¶$ are ß@$*@®¶$ exists
solely to slag off the supporters and indeed everything
connected with any club within about a fifty mile radius
of their own. Indeed, this type of fanzine can never
bring itself to print the names of these rivals, and it
is something of a convention to replace the vowels of
their name, or even the entire word with the exception of
the first and last letters, with asterisks. Fans of these
rivals are always 'scum, slime or $#¡*', etc. There
are lots of these fanzines, but they seem to be
particularly prevalent among lower division Nationwide
League clubs from the North West; the Burnleys, Prestons
and Rochdales of this world.
- The Rag Mag
The illegitimate second cousin of the All
ß@$*@®¶$ are ß@$*@®¶$, the Rag Mag
makes no concession to anything even slightly sensible,
and gets by on a diet of jokes, jokes and, er... more
jokes. Fine as far as it goes, but as there isn't an
infinite supply of gags, this type of publication usually
only survives for one or two issues, but it does provide
a good source of material for our next category... If you
want a good example try and track down a copy of an
obscure Bishop's Stortford 'zine Mellow and
Dry.
- The Ricicle Thief
So called because it steals all its snap, crackle and pop
from other fanzines and tries to pass it off as its own.
Again, there are far too many of these to mention here,
but probably the most plagiarised item in the entire
history of fanzines is the What The Commentators Really
Mean series of cartoons from Brian Moore's
Head...
- The Old Campaigner
The Old Campaigner is never satisfied. Neither the
manager, the players or the board - especially the board
- ever come up to standard in their eyes. They could have
Jack Walker as chairman, Bob Paisley as manager and a
team that makes Brazil circa 1970 took like a bunch of
Sunday pub league cloggers, but still they'd be calling
for someone's head on a plate. Furthermore, the
Campaigner seems to know everything that goes on at the
club even before the club know it themselves. The best
examples of the type are Kettering's Poppies at the
Gates of Dawn and the sadly missed Codhead
from Fleetwood Town.
- The Master Tactician
A close relative of the Old Campaigner, but all its
detail is reserved for endless tactical discussions and
remedies for the failings of their team. So involved is
the minutiae of all this stuff that probably even Charles
Hughes and Terry Venables wouldn't understand it.
Thankfully, there aren't too many of these though I did
once see a Derby County fanzine (whose name escapes me
now) that had me so perplexed after just two pages that I
had to give up.
- The Endangered Species
Not really, but it's akin to one in that you may only see
a new edition once or, if you're very lucky, twice a
year. Cheltenham Town's The Robin is such a rare
bird. Alternatively, the Endangered Species may sometimes
go into hibernation for a while. Just as you think it
really has gone into extinction, it will surprise you by
bringing out a new edition when you least expect it -
about two years after the last one.
Issue 023 - August 1995
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