You can't keep a good man down... and keeping Joe McFuddle quiet is pretty tricky too. We just gave up in the end and let him carry on. So here are a few more unconnected ramblings from...
REFEREE McFUDDLE ...in which Joe falls out with the team at Rice!
Regular readers of this column (Hello, Mum!) will no doubt be perspexed to learn that I am currently incommunicardso with the editorial team here at Rice! Indeed, as a protest I am even refusing to accept this month's salary due to their failure to feature and acclaim the complete devotion and dedication to the club of one of the key figures in our continuing success story on his recent shock resignation from the board. So to Phil Glowing I would like to pay this cowing tribute. Handsome and dashing, his champagne lifestyle would give the outsider no indication that by day he plied a humble trade, also an unusual calling as a blind fitter. Glowing suffered badly at the hands of the local press barons as they exposed his romantic exploits - which kept a team of builders in steady employment starting with garden walls and culminating in the complete and utter destruction of Forsure St. 'Where is Wilkins' Army?'; that was his catch phrase, coined after he had overestimated the attendance at Ray Wilkins testimonial by 18,000. He was particularly disappointed by the non-appearance of 5,000 Leak Town fans. But wherever this mercurial, flamboyant, charismatic man turns up, thank your lucky stars. We wish him well and would tentatively recommend a club whose fans don't shout things (his pet hate)... Lancaster, perhaps?
Who's the blaggard in the black?' - yes, you've all chanted it I know... he! he! But not to Dickensian ref Uriah Rennie I hope! No - seriously, I mention it because as you will not know (being followers of non-Football League) the Sky/NFL/WWF/Amstrad/Premier Tea League have indeed abolished the famous blackshirt for a fetching green. Another new aspect is the above chant has been modified for family type consumption to 'Who's the chappie showing skill, insight, decisiveness and good judgement in the green?' I like it. Incidentally, although strong language and also a yellow carp offence, 'blaggard' is considered a term of affection in Australia, so we must have lots of Aussies at Roker St.! Well, I know the rugby brings them over by the tanker load and they do need some worthwhile hobby. So to them - 'Guten tag, amigos!'
Another Pommie who suffered a green shirt crisis was our once former popular manager Graham Trenchcoat. Well, who would you have chosen for a keeper? Talk about spoilt for choice. But I'll tell you what; if I were Fred Else, I would hang up my boots, become a teacher, tend the garden in my opulent Carlton Avenue home and never stand under a crossbar again. A great 'keeper was Fred, without a doubt. He reminded me a lot of my father, of whom I have such fond memories. It was from pate (Latin) that I inherited my sense of humour. Why, just for a joke on my birth certificate, where it says 'Name of Father' he wrote 'HMS Valiant'! Ha! ha! That was Dad... I wish I could remember him.
Well, it's Christmas time again - almost an annual event. So I would like to wish all our readers a Merry Christmas and a preposterous New Year. Get behind the lads and lets hope this is the season of goodwins. If you're struggling to find a suitable gift for the Barrow AFC fans in your family, imagine his or her delight as they peel off the wrapping and lead shielding to reveal... a pair of his and hers authentic, ex-Barrow AFC superstar football boots! Yes, I have in my possession those infamous boots of ex-skipper, the very tired and emotional Tiny Rowlands. Yes, the very boots that were hurled into the crowd as a touching farewell gift to the people of the town. Yes, these sacred icons in excellent condition - indeed the left one looks as if it has never been used. And they could be yours if you complete our easy to enter competition. Simply identify this ex-Barrow striker by answering the following questions: Which ex-Barrow star scored a hat-trick against West Germany in his international career? Which ex-Barrow star was instrumental in keeping the club going after the 1972 holocaust? Which ex-Barrow star still works as a taxi driver in the town? If you think you know the answers, send them on a coastguard, stating your name, address, age, telephone number and your good reason for not going to so many away games so far this season to: Give Them Rice!, Fort Apache, The Bronx, The Taking of Chelmsford 3-2-1, Barrow Island, Lancashire... and mark the envelope 'Billy McAdam Competition'.
Well, that just about all wraps up my Christmas Special (wraps up... Christmas... geddit?). But one thing is preying on my mind a bit. Earlier this season we had new faces in the team every game - a system successfully adopted by struggling Sunday League sides. Also we have in town that bloke from Hawcoat, Phil McCoachup who goes to Rumania once a week and snatches people walking their dogs, queueing for the cashpoint, etc. and brings them back to Barrow. Obviously they will be looking for a cushy part-time job to save up for the air fare home. So were the two connected? I think we should be told. If not, what is the reason? But now I am being pulled away by a strange force... no, not Wimbledon - something is dragging me into another demention - a parallel university not too dissimilar to ours. Let's see if Boris Oliver Rupert Ivanhoe Norman George Graham Ignatius Todhunter can get to this ruddy game or what! It's taken over a year so far... beam me up, Skivvy! 'til next time... remove all jewellery, Joe McFuddle Issue 015 - March 1993