Give ’Em Beans! - Referee McFuddle

REFEREE McFUDDLE

...in which Joe explains the secret and arcane
language of the football field

Thank Cowps for that! It is the final whistle - Barrow 0 Winsford 0. Good game, but what a day! Straight into the Bluebeard for my usual post-match dialysis with my fellow whistle warrior Ken Sewer. Well, we gets a-yackin' and a-crackin' over a couple of small beers and a crowd soon gathers around us. Suddenly this post-Wembley galoot (you know the type - he stands in the no-man's land 'twixt Ray Wilkins Stand and the Holker End with just his stubbly hair and Cape Contracts vest keeping out the constant rain and winter chill, chants 'Barrow are White' from time to time, even though we've been playing in blue all season) interrupts our condensation thus... 'Hey mate, I've never heard so much $#¡*£ (rhymes with 'kite') in all me puff. Yer know ßµ¿¿*® (rhymes with 'rugger') all about soccer, you couple of pillocks (rhymes with 'šişşø¢#$')!'

Instinctively we reach for our notebooks, but remember they are useless in these situations. A bit like Kraptoman when exposed to green supernite. Discussing the outburst later, we came to the concussion that the oaf spat the dum-dum out because he was not familiar with the banter and jargon used on the field of play 'twixt the officials and players and so as a mere spectator much of our in-depth discussion would be right under his head. This got us a-thinkin' that perhaps some of our regular Rice! readers may benefit from a crash course in on-field terminology, so across the page is Joe's guide to the jargon...

The McFUDDLE GUIDE to ON-FIELD JARGON

Term

Meaning

Derivation

Example

Roddy

Foul

Foul - Roddy (McDowall)

'That was a dirty Roddy!'

Red Lion

Substitute

Sub(stitute) -
pub - Red Lion

'Can we bring on our Red Lion sir?'

Haemorrhoids

Offside

Offside - by miles -
piles - haemorrhoids

'It looks like haemorrhoids to me!'

Puss

Half-time

Half-time - pantomime - Puss (in Boots)

'They equalised a minute before Puss.'

Kevin

Physiotherapist

Physio - Doctor -
Proctor - Kevin

'That badly injured player will require attention from the Kevin.'

Nelson

Direct free kick

Free (kick) -
Nelson (Mandela)

'It's a Nelson right on the edge of the box.'

Winnie

Indirect
free kick

Free (kick) - Nelson -
not quite Nelson - Winnie

'Brady has been awarded a Winnie.'

Can

Corner

Corner - shop -
can (of pop)

'It's their third can on the trot.'

Monk

Penalty

Pen(alty) - Zen -
Buddhist - monk

'The referee has rightly turned down appeals for a monk.'

Sauce

Sending off

Sending off - Frank Bough -
high presenter - HP - sauce

'There's only one punishment for that offence - sauce!'

Sister

Yellow card

Yellow card - noble bard - Shakespeare - 's sister

'The ref raises his sister much to Slater's dismay.'

'til next time...
the half time interval shall be ten minutes only,
Joe McFuddle

Issue 015 - March 1993

REFEREE McFUDDLE ...in which Joe explains the secret and arcane language of the football field
Thank Cowps for that! It is the final whistle - Barrow 0 Winsford 0. Good game, but what a day! Straight into the Bluebeard for my usual post-match dialysis with my fellow whistle warrior Ken Sewer. Well, we gets a-yackin' and a-crackin' over a couple of small beers and a crowd soon gathers around us. Suddenly this post-Wembley galoot (you know the type - he stands in the no-man's land 'twixt Ray Wilkins Stand and the Holker End with just his stubbly hair and Cape Contracts vest keeping out the constant rain and winter chill, chants 'Barrow are White' from time to time, even though we've been playing in blue all season) interrupts our condensation thus... 'Hey mate, I've never heard so much $#¡£ (rhymes with 'kite') in all me puff. Yer know ßµ¿¿® (rhymes with 'rugger') all about soccer, you couple of pillocks (rhymes with 'šişşø¢#$')!' Instinctively we reach for our notebooks, but remember they are useless in these situations. A bit like Kraptoman when exposed to green supernite. Discussing the outburst later, we came to the concussion that the oaf spat the dum-dum out because he was not familiar with the banter and jargon used on the field of play 'twixt the officials and players and so as a mere spectator much of our in-depth discussion would be right under his head. This got us a-thinkin' that perhaps some of our regular Rice! readers may benefit from a crash course in on-field terminology, so across the page is Joe's guide to the jargon...
The McFUDDLE GUIDE to ON-FIELD JARGON
Term	Meaning	Derivation	Example
Roddy	Foul	Foul - Roddy (McDowall)	'That was a dirty Roddy!'
Red Lion	Substitute	Sub(stitute) - pub - Red Lion	'Can we bring on our Red Lion sir?'
Haemorrhoids	Offside	Offside - by miles - piles - haemorrhoids	'It looks like haemorrhoids to me!'
Puss	Half-time	Half-time - pantomime - Puss (in Boots)	'They equalised a minute before Puss.'
Kevin	Physiotherapist	Physio - Doctor - Proctor - Kevin	'That badly injured player will require attention from the Kevin.'
Nelson	Direct free kick	Free (kick) - Nelson (Mandela)	'It's a Nelson right on the edge of the box.'
Winnie	Indirect free kick	Free (kick) - Nelson - not quite Nelson - Winnie	'Brady has been awarded a Winnie.'
Can	Corner	Corner - shop - can (of pop)	'It's their third can on the trot.'
Monk	Penalty	Pen(alty) - Zen - Buddhist - monk	'The referee has rightly turned down appeals for a monk.'
Sauce	Sending off	Sending off - Frank Bough - high presenter - HP - sauce	'There's only one punishment for that offence - sauce!'
Sister	Yellow card	Yellow card - noble bard - Shakespeare - 's sister	'The ref raises his sister much to Slater's dismay.'

REFEREE McFUDDLE

...in which Joe explains the secret and arcane language of the football field

The McFUDDLE GUIDE to ON-FIELD JARGON

Issue 015 - March 1993

...in which Joe explains the secret and arcane
language of the football field