At the time this came out, there was controversy in the press about the alleged diaries of Nazi propaganda minister, Josef Goebells. But, heck that was nothing compared to the following explosive extracts from the close season diary of our famous man in black...
REFEREE McFUDDLE ...in which Joe commits his innermost thoughts to his diary
May 15	Dear diary, funny old day. Went to watch cricket match at the Ernest Grass Pound. Aah, the sound of leather on cranium; Godawful, at least the players got sent off on a regular basis. Came home and watched video - 'George Courtney's Greatest Moments'. Yes, dear diary, there is no finer site in the English game than to see a striker lash in a twenty yard volley, do a backflip, sprint over to the jubilant supporters, hurdle the advertising boards on the way and leap onto the fencing to receive the adoration of the multitudes - only to realise that Georgie boy is indicating a free kick for a minor infringement two minutes earlier!
May 21	Dear diary, funny old day. Commenced home maintenance: "Just going down to P's and Q's for some paint, dear!" "For God's sake Joe, don't paint the house black again!" "That's right, sweet nothing, black as the ace of diamonds!" Came home, watched video - 'FA Trophy Final 1990'. Again the same old questions arise: Why didn't Jimmy Slapstick get a run out? He must have felt under the moon waiting kitted out in the dug up. And why did the open top bus say 'Lancaster City' on the front? Will I ever find the answers, dear diary?
June 8	Dear diary, funny old day. Overhauled whistle in readiness for new campaign. See below for details: Chip off entrusted spittle, mucous, venom, etc. Inspect pea. Check for ovality, heat stress, distortion, metal fatigue, metal guru, rickets, etc. Spray lightly with UB40 or similar lubricant. Replace old black ribbon with new FIFI approved black ribbon. Vigorously polish body with Duraglide. Watched video - 'FA Trophy Final 1990' 'til late then turned into bed.
June 20	Dear diary, funny old day. Of course everyone is on about the European Championship but no way can I afford one of those ruddy great bowls to receive stalactite TV, dammit. But, dear diary, I intend to confront one of the key figures in the Premier League/Stalactite TV fiasco in due course. Watched good videos 'Cracker Dundile 2-D' (not as good as the first one, but Phil Hogan always makes me laugh) and 'FA Trophy Final 1990'.
June 26	Dear diary, funny old day. I have been busy packing my bags in preparation for our holidays. As you know, holiday funds are usually raised in winter when everyone turns up for a game, the referee passes the pitch playable despite the glaciers and snow on the surface (nothing a pickaxe won't cure) and the force nine blisset, allows play for twenty minutes, abandons the game, claims full match fee and expenses and is back home within the half-hour watching 'FA Trophy Final 1990'. Unfortunately, after our depressingly mild winter the coffers will only stretch to a few days in London or 'The Smog' as it is known. Listened to Euro Final on Radio Fife. Still trying to work out who won.
June 27	Dear diary, London bound. Purchase a copy of The Spectator for a good read on the journey. By the time we reach Cart and Carkmel I realise there is hardly any football in it at all. I knew I should have bought a copy of The Grim Peeper - the referee's fanzine. Will write and complain to British Rail. Arrive London Houston. Straight to the hotel in a black bandit, digs seem quite nice, but in the evening there is a feminist vigilante on every street corner... stroll off! Early night, as tomorrow, dear diary, I take on the big boys and intend to strike a blow for the common man. David v. Galosher!
June 28	Dear diary, into the city to look up an old school friend, Barrow-born Frank Barcode who also happens to be chairman of BHyveB stalactite TV, hijackers of our national game. I enter the lions' nest, determined to put the foot among the pigeons. I am met by Janet, the deceptionist. Janet: (Bzzz...) There's an old school chum to see you, sir. Barcode: Really? What name is it, Janet? McFuddle: No, not Janet. It's Joe... Joe McFuddle. Janet: A Mr. Jojo McFuddle, sir. Barcode: Show him in, Janet. McFuddle: Hello Frank; long time, no see. Barcode: Yes, I remember now - you were the chap who always turned up for games lessons in the referee's outfit. McFuddle: That's me Frank - in a nutmeg. Barcode: Well McFuddle, I'm a very busy man. So briefly, how can I help you? McFuddle: I won't beat around the bus shelter Barcode. I'm a journalist these days and I'd like to ask you a few questions about that Premier League deal. Barcode: This is an outrage. Good day, McFuddle. McFuddle: Is it true that Alan Sweetener gave the League chairman a substantial sugar? Barcode: (Bzzz...) Janet, get security in here now! McFuddle: Do you think people back in Barrow can afford BHyveB when we have poll tax and a new striker to pay for? Barcode: Get out of this office, you buffoon! McFuddle: Another thing - why is it that you have the same ridiculous first name as Barrow-born Emlyn Hughes? At this point, after fond fare-thee-wells Frank's PR men give me a lightning tour of the building and I am soon examining GLC paving. Feeling much better, I make my way back to the hotel, passing the famous Dogger Sea Bats' Home en route. In my abcess, Mrs. McFuddle has purchased two tickets for the show 'Les Miserables'. Sounds good as he was hilarious on 'Blankety Blank'.
June 29	Dear diary, funny old night. Seems Les couldn't make the show last night with his dodgy ticker and all, but a herd of Euro tunnel workers put on a good turn chanting about the price of season tickets for French outfit Meccano next season and problems of that ilk. These are indeed troubled times for football. Heading for home tomorrow, looking forward to watching 'FA Trophy Final 1990' video.
July 12	Dear diary, pre-season straining starts today. I am leaving my bedroom window open half an inch and will gradually increase it to four and a half inches for the big kick off. Can't wait for the new season under McTrenchcoat to get underway. Yes, we can do it - yes... we will do it! "You are my Barrow, my only Barrow, you make me happy, when skies are green..." Let's do it - together...!
'til next time... play to the whistle, Joe McFuddle Issue 012 - September 1992