Long before his scintillating parody of the Evening Mail's Claire Stocks column in issue 018 failed to provoke even an atom of the controversy he'd hoped it would, Clint Wags submitted this equally sparkling skit on Jim Webster's column in the same paper. No-one cared...
FARMER JAMES
When I was asked to write for Give 'Em Beans!, at first I presumed I'd be writing for some vegetarian or vegan periodical. Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against vegetarians or vegans, but as a succesful farmer raising fifty head of beef cattle, I'd be shooting myself in the foot, so to speak, should I publically start eulogising the benefits of beans.
BEEF
However, fair's fair, as there are a great variety of beans and they are all extremely nutritious. As long as they are served up with a good helping of my best beef, who's complaining? In actual fact, beans are pulses. This is a blanket term for all beans, peas and lentils. As I've said, there are a great variety of beans such as haricot beans, French beans, kidney beans, butter beans, mung beans, green beans, aduki beans, and of course, protein packed soya beans.
MEAT
Baked beans are in fact haricot beans and are imported from America as they are not suited to our climatic conditions. So what has this got to do with football? Well, from this publication's title, it is obvious that we realise the nutritious value of beans and their benefits as a pre-match meal for footballers.
TWO VEG.
Beans are a good source of protein and carbohydrates, though incomplete unless combined with grains or cereals. Hence baked beans on toast makes for an ideal pre-match repast. Of course, not all players may like baked beans, so as an alternative, I would suggest black-eyed beans. Especially after a night out on the town, eh Glenn? All for now... Clint Wags Lucky 13 - January 1995