The Ed had an idea which he thought could make Barrow AFC its fortune, and the town a bob or two as well. And this was it...
The INDEPENDENT KINGDOM of FURNESS
Football as we know it is about to end, predict the Merchants of Doom, with the transfer of players between clubs for massive fees coming to an abrupt end following the now famous Bosman case. Bosman, a Belgian, let it not be forgotten, who was a bit miffed when his club, after offering him reduced personal terms which he was inclined not to accept, decided to put him on the transfer list at a substantial fee which, Bosman reckoned, would probably put other clubs off trying to employ him. So be complained, justice was - allegedly - seen to be done, and the result was that at the end of his contract a player would now become a free agent. If the player wished to move to another club within the European Community (or whatever the Common Market is called this week) his old club couldn't demand a transfer fee for him, unless he moved to a club within the same country, in which case the old rules still apply. So, if a player moves from, say, Manchester United to Blackburn Rovers, United could demand a fee. Let's say £6,000,000. But if the player moves from United to Barcelona, then on to Blackburn, no fee is payable and Jack Walker is quids in. So where do Barrow fit into this? Well, that's the brilliant idea. We become a foreign club. Then in the above scenario, our player would move from United to Barrow, play a few games, then move on to Blackburn. And like all good agents, Barrow would receive a commission. Say 10% of what Blackburn would save, compared with buying the player directly from United, a nice handy £600,000. And the player would benefit. No foreign culture to adapt to, no new language to get to grips with, and he needn't even move house. Everyone wins. Except United. But they're rich grabbing gits, and anyway they could easily recoup the loss by bringing out a new replica strip and ripping off the fans more frequently. Say every match, instead of every other match. You may have perceived a slight flaw in the above plan, in that Barrow are English, as are both United and Blackburn. But don't panic - I've thought of that. And there are even more benefits. Firstly, come the revolution, the good men of Furness take to arms and rise up against the tyranny of the Cumberland armed forces, kick out the Woollybacks, then make a unilateral declaration of independence from the United Kingdom. They form the Independent Kingdom of Furness, with Barrow as the capital. Or maybe Dalton, to stop them whinging on about being the ancient capital of Furness. Not Ulverston, though; the line must be drawn somewhere. The Coronation of King Cowps would take place at Cartmel Priory; the Royal Palace would have to be at Flookburgh, though, perhaps the Crown Inn. Or the Hope and Anchor. Reward for sponsoring a page in the future King's Testimonial Programme. Don't suppose the British government would like it, but with a general election due soon, they probably wouldn't bother about it too much. And anyway, if they did, a few home made warships stationed in Morecambe Bay and the Duddon Estuary - in case the Woollybacks retaliate - should sort them out. Another bonus, see; full employment at the Shipyard as the Royal Furness Navy is built. All the government could do is pretend that the new Independent Kingdom of Furness doesn't exist. A bit like they do now with Northern Cyprus since the Turks invaded. But it does exist; I know, I've seen it. And we would exist too. Anyway, the first thing the new Independent Kingdom of Furness would need to do would be to establish the Furness FA as the governing body for the sport within the country, then organise all the clubs within the country into a league. Holker Old Boys, Dalton United, Urswick Rangers, would be quite a tough competition. We'd need that influx of foreign (i.e. English) stars to help us win the league each year and ensure our rightful place in the European Champions League. Many would only play a handful of games, of course, before moving on; but there again we're used to that. From then on the money - sorry, foreign currency earnings - would come rolling in. Going back to our original scenario, Blackburn want to buy a United star, the clubs agree the six million fee, the player is happy with the personal terms. Then at the last minute he signs for Barrow. He would of course need to play a few games at Holker St., say half a dozen or so. Otherwise it could perhaps be argued that the whole transaction had an air of artificiality if the player signed for Barrow then moved to Blackburn without appearing in the team. And anyway, it would be the only opportunity the footballing public would have to see how good the player was; the BBC (Barrow Broadcasting Company) can't show Premier League football. But at the end of the half a dozen games, he would move on his prearranged transfer to Blackburn (who had been paying his wages. Barrow couldn't afford them) in exchange for a cheque for the £600,000 commission Barrow have earned on the deal. And as one player moves on, there would be a queue of others waiting to take his place, all followed by nice fat juicy commission cheques. So, the major benefits of the scheme are: Furness is freed from Woollyback rule. Full employment at Vickers as the Independent Kingdom of Furness arms itself against possible invasions. Barrow AFC get some top class players free, albeit for a short term only, and make a lot of money doing so. As (more or less) automatic champions of the Furness League, Barrow AFC would take up their rightful place amongst the elite in Europe. There are probably one or two snags, but none come to mind off hand. So come on Mr. Vaughan, let's get things moving, before someone else thinks of it. Issue 027 - August 1996