- Absolute Zero
The exact value of the points a fair number of teams can
expect to get from both their games against Barrow this
season. (Ooh, we are getting confident. Ed.)
- Anthropomorphism
The tendency to ascribe human characteristics to
non-human entities - animals, Gods, even inanimate
objects. In football however, the principle often works
in reverse. Sir Alf Ramsey started the trend when he
called Argentina's 1966 World Cup quarter-final side
'Animals'.
- The Big Bang
A theory that attempts to explain why some matches at
Holker St. begin in a huge explosion of goals and
excitement yet fizzle out to a damp squib in the second
half.
- Steady State Theory
This says that although some sides are too awful to ever
gain promotion, there will always be even worse sides
getting relegated, thus explaining why teams like Marine,
Gainsborough Trinity, Hyde United, Bishop Auckland, etc.
never seem to have been anywhere else but the UniBond
Premier Division.
- Catastrophe Theory
As you may have guessed, this theory is used to try and
predict disasters of all kinds. Unfortunately, as it is
still in its infancy it has not yet found its way to
Furness. If it had, maybe there would have been some way
of forecasting that 3-1 ATS Trophy defeat at Atherton
last season or even Hyde pulling two goals back this
year.
- Chaos Theory
Closely related to Catastrophe Theory (qv), in that
scientists use it to try and establish the causal
connection between apparently unrelated events. Currently
being studied by the management of Barrow RL to see if
they can blame that 90-0 defeat by Leeds a while back on
the flap of a butterfly's wing in Santa Barbara,
California.
- Theory of the Conservation of Energy
Successfully proven experimentally by Cowps every weekend
in his last season at Barrow.
- Theory of Continental Drift
A theory developed to explain the tendency of those full
backs who are as big as continents to drift into the
paths of fragile wingers, thus causing maximum
damage.
- Theory of Evolution
A theory developed to explain the evolution of small
clubs like Watford and Wimbledon from lowly origins to
Premier Division material. It states quite simply that a
club's rate of progress is directly proportional to the
amount of money invested in it.
- Occam's Razor
A make of shaver Peter McDonnell bought whilst in Holland
with Liverpool in the 1979 European Cup and the one he's
used ever since.
- Theory of Probability
Basically this states that if Doc, Jabber or Ken McKenna
score one goal in the first half of a game, chances are
they'll score two in the second. Proven by several years
of experimental observation out in the field.
- Theory of Relativity
Not to be confused with Einstein's famous Theory of
Relativity, this is in fact, Brian's Theory of
Relativity, Brian being a bloke I used to work with in
the 'yard aeons ago. Brian's Theory of Relativity went
something like this: 'Everybody is related to everybody
else.' Thankfully, I was able to prove I wasn't related
to him in any way, shape or form, but if you have a
relative named Brian, please - be careful; you never know
when he might spring it on you.
Only slightly updated from issue 014 -
November 1992
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