You may have just read about how Barrow's fortunes are about to turn so that we will become perhaps the most successful team of the early century, but that will be no good if we don't have the support to appreciate it, so we've come up with this cunning plan to improve the club's attendances...


Bonk for Barrow

We all want Barrow AFC to get back into the Football League as soon as they can. And given the tremendous support the club gets from the terraces there's no doubt that one day that entirely reasonable objective will be attained.

But there's another way for Barrow to achieve world domination. It might take a little longer, but it's arguably more enjoyable than standing on cold, wet terraces the length and breadth of Lancashire, Cheshire and North Wales for the next five seasons. But it will need the wholehearted commitment of every able-bodied Barrow supporter.

So here's the plan. We're going to reproduce for Barrow like there's no tomorrow. Shag for your club, spread your seed and reap what you have sown, so to speak.

And this is how it works. Suppose that of our average attendance of 1,200 that 80% are male, about 960 of us. From that we have to exclude kids, 'cos it's illegal if you're under 16 (10%); old people, 'cos if they can do it nothing happens afterwards (5%); and gays (1%). We're not prejudiced, but this one's not really meant for them. Some allowance must also be made for those of us that resemble certain varieties of grape and are seedless (1.478%); those who didn't listen to the warnings about tight Y-fronts and flared hipsters so it serves them right. That leaves around 800 hardy souls to carry the banner of the Bluebirds into battle.

Start now. Your wife or girlfriend is as good a place as any. Switch off your computer and explain to them your new challenge. And accept no refusal. No excuse is good enough to prevent you putting this plan into operation. Headaches, shopping, Coronation Street, or even Emmerdale. None of these must stop you from reaching your goal. In the next ten years you should be able to manage ten kids without too many problems. But there's no time to waste, so get right down to it. If some of you can manage a couple of sets of twins you will automatically qualify for a year's free membership of the Give 'Em Beans! Shooters Club. Triplets gives you life membership with all the benefits you would expect in an exclusive club.

That, though, is only the start. With permission from your other half (and if you explain your mission carefully, there'll be no objections) we can tour England and Wales following the Bluebirds and impregnating fair maidens (and their darker haired sisters) the length and breadth of this land with our wonderful, microscopic Barrovian love bombs.

Even allowing for heroic failures at pulling the girl of your dreams, by the end of each alternate Saturday evening something should have bitten and you can go to work. Just make sure it's of child-bearing age. Twenty away games should, all things being equal, count for twenty deposits in the Bluebirds' love bank. If a quarter are successful, that's another four kids a year.

You should keep a meticulous diary of names, dates and places. If you've got a poor memory, take Polaroids. When the phone call comes from some conquest in Hucknall or Lancaster confirming the happy event, grab a cigar and a can of Tesco's extra strength lager to celebrate and make a date in your diary for the kid's fifth birthday. Now this is the important bit. I know some of you thought that you'd already done that. But you're wrong. It's no good siring all these potential Bluebirds like some supercharged stallion unless you remember to go back and drag them along to Holker St for their first taste of football.

If you can manage ten with your partner and forty others elsewhere, that would be a good decade's work. Beans! will keep league tables and make annual achievement awards like the GoldenBalls Trophy for productivity and the Give 'Em Beans! 'I Bonked for Barrow' commemorative T-shirt. In fifteen years time we should each have introduced fifty loyal, new fans. By season 2020-21 our average gate should be around the 60,000 mark. Hopefully, the new shelter in front of the Sports and Leisure Club will be ready by then.

If we can pass on details of this scheme to our offspring, then by the middle of the next century we could be looking at 200,000 Barrow fans subscribing to the pay-per-view Bluebirds channel on Sky. With all the money generated from the television rights, season ticket sales, 52 replica shirts and souvenirs, plus sponsorship from Hartley's Slaphead alcoholic lemonade, we will be able to buy enough quality players to dominate the new World Super League.

So there's no time to waste. Let's get to work, lads. And lasses...

Previously unpublished




Next: Kurt Godel explains how the application of a few simple rules of logic can prove that Barrow are, conclusively and indisputably, the best football team in the whole world.