Give ’Em Beans! - Rest of the Best

THEY CAN SEND LETTERS

And do they...? You bet they do!

One of the surprises of putting together a fanzine is the amount of junk mail you get from the media. By this, I mean the letters from programme researchers asking for football stories to help them put a show together. These letters are circulated to every fanzine in the country, or in the local TV company's region. They're always written in a folksy, friendly style, which immediately puts you at ease, but they're so full of crap. We don't publish them. I wouldn't demean Give 'Em Beans! by filling it with infantile requests for puerile rubbish (Why not? It's never stopped you before. Asst. Ed.). But for some reason, the latest request really rankled. To give you an idea of what I'm on about, here is that most recent example...

The Letter

Dear Sir
We are currently planning a complete footy weekend during November, which will include a whole host of classic matches, documentaries and personalities from the Granada region. One of the programmes will be featuring people with all things weird and wonderful, great and small from the world of football memorabilia.

For this memorabilia footy show in November, we are asking people to come down to the Albert Dock in Liverpool and show us their historical items (we were going to put a joke in here, but it's too obvious. Ed.) in front of a team of experts who will discuss and evaluate them in front of a captive audience! (Wow! An Antiques Road Show all about football! I'll be glued to my set! Ed.)

We would greatly appreciate any help to get people down to this event with their personal souvenirs or collections and we would be extremely grateful if you could place an editorial or advertisement in your next fanzine asking people to call us, telling us what memorabilia they have.

Here is a suggested script:
CALLING ALL FOOTY ENTHUSIASTS!
DO YOU HAVE BUSBY'S BOOTS, SHANKLY'S SHORTS,
OR EVEN TOSHACK'S TOBY JUG?

IS GRANDAD'S CUP WINNER'S MEDAL STORED AWAY IN THE ATTIC,
OR DO YOU SIMPLY OWN A SOUVENIR FROM WHEN
ACCRINGTON STANLEY WERE A POWER IN THE LAND?

WELL NOW IS THE TIME TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH THEY ARE WORTH
ON GRANADA TV'S VERY OWN SOUVENIR FOOTY SHOW!

IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING OF INTEREST FROM
CLUBS AND PLAYERS IN THE NORTH-WEST
FOR OUR TEAM OF EXPERTS ON FOOTBALL MEMORABILIA,
CALL US NOW ON 0161-832-7211 EXT. 2687 or EXT. 3544

If you have any other queries on this event, please do not hesitate to contact me, or my colleague, Adam Page, on the above numbers.

Many thanks,
Paul Hardwick
Granada TV, Quay St, Manchester M60 9EA.

The Ed writes:
Well, I've got quite a few queries. Like just how sad are these TV researchers? Their idea of good TV is an Antiques Roadshow of football memorabilia. Cowps give me strength! I wonder how long it took to think of that one. I couldn't be bothered to send a reply. But I did reply to an earlier request from Action Time, an independent production company in London, who produce the Live Six Show local news and sport programme on Carlton, the London ITV station. Their researcher, Rob Carey, was interested in any funny or unusual stories and characters about football. What I feel about these requests is summed up in my reply to Action Time...

The Reply (er, to another letter)

Dear Rob,
Thanks for your letter dated 13 June. Concerning your request for good stories, if we knew any, they'd be in the fanzine, It's a desperate task getting enough entertaining articles to fill forty pages every three months without giving them away to someone else. So if there's anything that catches your eye in our latest edition, then please feel free to use it. But anything else we have will be going into the next issue, on sale in September.

My main reason for writing to you is to make a plea on behalf of non-League football. If you intend to give it any kind of coverage, please don't patronise it. I'm sick to death of the London and Manchester media's approach to anything to do with non-League. They usually ignore it all year until the FA Cup comes round. Then if you get drawn against a League club, the reporters and cameras come flocking round like seagulls behind a trawler. But the standard of reporting is abysmal. They look for an angle. Oh, your manager is a butcher. Cue stupid puns like we'll skin 'em, or we'll make mincemeat of 'em. Oh, you've got a player who looks like Phil Collins. We'll get him to mime to 'I Missed Again' and 'Against the Odds'. It's enough to make you puke.

So, if you're going to do anything on the non-League game, please treat us with some respect and do it straight. Just report the football, not the froth.

Yours etc.,
Graham Murphy
Editor - Give 'Em Beans!

Issue 032 - November 1997

THEY CAN SEND LETTERS And do they...? You bet they do!
One of the surprises of putting together a fanzine is the amount of junk mail you get from the media. By this, I mean the letters from programme researchers asking for football stories to help them put a show together. These letters are circulated to every fanzine in the country, or in the local TV company's region. They're always written in a folksy, friendly style, which immediately puts you at ease, but they're so full of crap. We don't publish them. I wouldn't demean Give 'Em Beans! by filling it with infantile requests for puerile rubbish (Why not? It's never stopped you before. Asst. Ed.). But for some reason, the latest request really rankled. To give you an idea of what I'm on about, here is that most recent example...
The Letter
Dear Sir We are currently planning a complete footy weekend during November, which will include a whole host of classic matches, documentaries and personalities from the Granada region. One of the programmes will be featuring people with all things weird and wonderful, great and small from the world of football memorabilia. For this memorabilia footy show in November, we are asking people to come down to the Albert Dock in Liverpool and show us their historical items (we were going to put a joke in here, but it's too obvious. Ed.) in front of a team of experts who will discuss and evaluate them in front of a captive audience! (Wow! An Antiques Road Show all about football! I'll be glued to my set! Ed.) We would greatly appreciate any help to get people down to this event with their personal souvenirs or collections and we would be extremely grateful if you could place an editorial or advertisement in your next fanzine asking people to call us, telling us what memorabilia they have. Here is a suggested script: CALLING ALL FOOTY ENTHUSIASTS! DO YOU HAVE BUSBY'S BOOTS, SHANKLY'S SHORTS, OR EVEN TOSHACK'S TOBY JUG? IS GRANDAD'S CUP WINNER'S MEDAL STORED AWAY IN THE ATTIC, OR DO YOU SIMPLY OWN A SOUVENIR FROM WHEN ACCRINGTON STANLEY WERE A POWER IN THE LAND? WELL NOW IS THE TIME TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH THEY ARE WORTH ON GRANADA TV'S VERY OWN SOUVENIR FOOTY SHOW! IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING OF INTEREST FROM CLUBS AND PLAYERS IN THE NORTH-WEST FOR OUR TEAM OF EXPERTS ON FOOTBALL MEMORABILIA, CALL US NOW ON 0161-832-7211 EXT. 2687 or EXT. 3544 If you have any other queries on this event, please do not hesitate to contact me, or my colleague, Adam Page, on the above numbers. Many thanks, Paul Hardwick Granada TV, Quay St, Manchester M60 9EA. The Ed writes: Well, I've got quite a few queries. Like just how sad are these TV researchers? Their idea of good TV is an Antiques Roadshow of football memorabilia. Cowps give me strength! I wonder how long it took to think of that one. I couldn't be bothered to send a reply. But I did reply to an earlier request from Action Time, an independent production company in London, who produce the Live Six Show local news and sport programme on Carlton, the London ITV station. Their researcher, Rob Carey, was interested in any funny or unusual stories and characters about football. What I feel about these requests is summed up in my reply to Action Time...
The Reply (er, to another letter)
Dear Rob, Thanks for your letter dated 13 June. Concerning your request for good stories, if we knew any, they'd be in the fanzine, It's a desperate task getting enough entertaining articles to fill forty pages every three months without giving them away to someone else. So if there's anything that catches your eye in our latest edition, then please feel free to use it. But anything else we have will be going into the next issue, on sale in September. My main reason for writing to you is to make a plea on behalf of non-League football. If you intend to give it any kind of coverage, please don't patronise it. I'm sick to death of the London and Manchester media's approach to anything to do with non-League. They usually ignore it all year until the FA Cup comes round. Then if you get drawn against a League club, the reporters and cameras come flocking round like seagulls behind a trawler. But the standard of reporting is abysmal. They look for an angle. Oh, your manager is a butcher. Cue stupid puns like we'll skin 'em, or we'll make mincemeat of 'em. Oh, you've got a player who looks like Phil Collins. We'll get him to mime to 'I Missed Again' and 'Against the Odds'. It's enough to make you puke. So, if you're going to do anything on the non-League game, please treat us with some respect and do it straight. Just report the football, not the froth. Yours etc., Graham Murphy Editor - Give 'Em Beans! Issue 032 - November 1997