Give ’Em Beans! - Rest of the Best

Have you ever wondered where Barrow's manager gets all those new players from? Who is travelling the motorways of this fair land spending his Saturdays in some godforsaken spot looking for the young left sided midfield player that will get Barrow out of the UniBond? Why, it's none other than the unsung hero of Barrow AFC caught here on his mobile phone talking to Owen Brown. We are pleased to be able to introduce to you...

ARTHUR ARBUTHNOT • CRAP SCOUT

"Hi boss. Yeah, nice day. What? Uh, yeah. What? Naw, poor game. But I saw a good player you might be interested in. Goalie. Yeah. Well you know that fella Deegan? Needs to lose a bit of weight? And improve his catching? Yeah. What? I never said that about him. Anyway, I've seen this new goalie. Goes by the name of Moore. Where did I see him? In Wales. Plays for Bangor City. I know that's where I saw Deegan. But he's better than Deegan. Age? He's 31. No, he's not over the hill. Don't worry, he's not Welsh. And he isn't interested in sheep. Comes from Worcester City. And he's been at Southport and Witton. Yeah. Great goalie. He'll create the competition in the squad that you've been looking for.

"Oh, boss, while I was at Witton, watching their training session, I saw a super midfield player. Great ball distribution. Young lad, 24. His name? Fahey. No Fahey, F-A-H-E-Y. Yeah. He's good, but he'll cost you. 'Bout £3,500, but I can knock 'em down a grand in return for my usual bung. Sounds good? You bet. He'll bring a bit of quality to your squad. Cowps knows, you need it. He's a good player of the ball. Gets up and down the field. What's that you said? So does the linesman? Very funny. You know what I mean. What else can he do? Who, the linesman? Put his flag up. Oh, Fahey, yeah. He's got a bit of drive. Gets stuck in, if you know worramean, like. No, he's not played for eight weeks. Spot of ligament damage. Cleared up now though. You won't regret it, boss.

"Bumped into Graham Heathcote a couple of days back. No, I don't know why the Barrow fans hate him so much either. What was he doing? Watching a young midfield player by the name of Keeley. 20. Big lad. Six foot two. Midfield player. Did I say that? Sorry. What's that? If Heathcote thinks he's good, go for him? Yeah, okay, but he's got no pedigree, boss. That's what the fans think. Oh, you don't mean Heathcote. Okay. Whatever you say. Tell the press you plucked him from obscurity.

"Defenders? Yeah, I know you're leaking goals. Geddit? Leaking? Leek? Never mind. I've got a defender for you. Can't say where I saw him, but it was Southport, They don't want him. No, he's not crap. Eyre. No, not like you breathe. E-Y-R-E. That's right. He's experienced. Can't say what he's experienced in. Ha, ha! Yeah, freebie. I'll get him for you.

"Got to go now, boss. Yeah, police car following me. They don't like mobiles. Yeah, I'll get the players. No problem. See ya."

Four weeks later...

"Whoa, hold on there, boss. I didn't say that. Wow, calm down. Don't yell at me like that. It's not my fault. Well, I thought he was okay. I didn't say he was good, exactly. What did I say? Er, probably, well, it was you that wanted a new goalie. I didn't tell you to dump Deegan. That was your decision. You pressured me into finding another goalie quickly. It's not easy you know. They don't grow on trees. He's cost you two cup games? Well, one of them was only the UniBond League Cup. Who beat you? Radcliffe Borough? Who are they? And Bradford Park Avenue dumped you out of the Trophy? And Moore, the goalie I recommended was at fault for the goals? Aw, c'mon, Owen. I can't get it right every time. What do you mean, I never get it right? Well, these players from Wales get a bit rusty playing amongst the sheep. Start to think of woolly jumpers. No, that wasn't a very good joke.

"Take the full back? Who? McAuley? Good player. Yeah, I know I didn't suggest him, but I was going to. Just as soon as I got up to Lancaster to see him. Like I didn't get to Chorley to tell you about Marginson? Aw, boss, that's awfully hard. I'd just written my report on the lad when I heard you'd signed him. No, I wasn't going to ignore him. What do you want me to take? Air? Is that a joke, boss, 'cos I don't get it. Oh, Eyre, the full back I got you last month. He's what? Well give him time. You've released him after two games? That's a bit premature, Owen old chap, know worramean, like. What about the youngster? Keeley? You never used him? Aw boss, that's a terrible waste of good, young talent. He was crap? Well, he seemed to have potential when I saw him.

"Yeah, okay Owen. Left sided midfield player. Yeah got it. I'm off to see Prescot Cables now. Yeah. I'll get one for you. Just leave it to me. Got to go now. Games to see, players to assess. Know how it is, like."

Early August, just before the start of the season...

"Hi Owen! How ya bin, me old mucker? Enjoy your holiday? You didn't go anywhere. Neither did I. Been busy weighing up some prospects for you. How's the taxi business going? Picked up any good fares lately? Oh, you don't have much time on the road because you're too busy running that football team. I see. Well, beggars can't be choosers, can they, Owen me old mate. Hey, heard the one about the taxi driver and the prostitute? You haven't got time for that now? How come you know that's the punch line? No flies on you, Owen, is there?

"How're those players I got for you last season? Some good 'uns there, eh? You've got rid of them! What, all of them? Blimey. You don't mess about, do you. What's that? Oh, you want to know if I've seen any good defenders. Thought you had some already, that tall lad, whatsisname, er, Parker and the other one, Harrold. They've gone. Oh, right. Thought you'd say that, somehow. Well, let's see. Got a good midfielder. Leek's captain. But you couldn't afford him. Funny name. Bauress. Sounds like a German or Scandinavian to me. Yeah, he's pretty good. Oh, you want him. Right. But can you afford him? You can! Because you sold Andy Green! WHAT! YOU SOLD ANDY GREEN!! TO WHO? TO DROYLSDEN!!! I don't believe it. Owen, mate, you're cracking up. What d'you go and do that for? Oh, I see. Right.

"So it's an attacker you'll be needing? Got one. Wright. What? No, I didn't say right, I said Wright. That's the lad's name. Yeah. Good 'un. Teenage goalscoring sensation. Played with Wrexham reserves. Probably get him on a freebie for you. He's dynamite in the area. Yeah, course he's strong on the ball. I wouldn't get a lightweight for you. Trust me.

"There's a lad used to be at Macclesfield. Bit of a Morton clone. Knocks 'em in like a good 'un. What? So does Casanova? But he doesn't play football. What you on about, Owen? Oh, it's a joke. Right. Got it. Coates. No, I don't mean go and get one. That's the lad's name. You'll think about it. Okay, you're the boss.

"Saw a couple of lads at Prenton Park. Bet you've had a few fares over there Owen, when Liverpool aren't at home. That was my joke Owen. Yeah, okay, it wasn't very funny. Look, Chester City wants one of these lads. Defender. Higgins. No can do, Owen, I promised him to Chester's manager already. Gave him the bung and everything. I can't unmake my promise. I'm an honourable man! You'll send a couple of goons round or else? Oh. Right, you've got him. All part of the service.

"What're your tactics this season? Attacking wing backs in a 3-5-2 formation. D'you think that'll work in the UniBond? Sounds like a suicide note to me, Owen. Are you sure? You are. You need a wing back on the left to match McAuley on the right. Yeah, course you do. Got one. Lad called Prior. And another for midfield. Robertson. Tricky ball player. You'll take 'em both. Good. You won't regret it.

"Make sure you get in plenty of friendlies so all the new players get to know each other. Yeah. That's my advice. About ten. Yeah.

"Got to go now. Mobile's ringing. Probably Kevin Keegan. He's got lots of someone else's money to throw away. Again."

Two months later...

"Owen. At last. Been trying to get you for ages. Got lots of prospects for you, mate. You don't want any more of my prospects? Why's that then? That's not a very nice thing to say to your old mate, is it? Higgins was a good buy. Right. As good as Melinda Messenger. Stiffened up your defence. Yeah, I know it's an old joke. You told me it. And his mate, Jones. I didn't recommend him? Yeah, well, just an oversight. You know how it is. Busy, busy. Oh. You don't. Okay, I get the picture.

"That Wrexham lad is brushed off the ball too easily. Well, what do you want, Owen. He scores goals. Did I say he was a strong lad? Don't remember saying that, Owen. Must have been a bad line. He's injured? And so's your other striker, Cooper? How about Coates, then. Morton clone. You'll look like you've got twins in your front line. How's that for confusing defenders? I'll get him for you, Owen. He's already yours. Trust me.

"You did? Good. Oh, you don't think Prior's an attacking wing back like I said. But Robertson is. Well, like I always say, Owen you're the boss. You play 'em where you want 'em. You can't because McAuley's injured. You're getting a lot of injuries in your team, Owen. Played too many pre-season games, did you? That was my idea as well? Can't win 'em all Owen. Must go. Got a rendezvous in a service station on the M6. See ya."

Not, we suspect, if Owen Brown sees you first. And Arthur Arbuthnot, crap scout, disappears into the sunset leaving no stone unturned in the search for the players that will win the UniBond for Barrow.

Issue 030 - April 1997 and issue 032 - November 1997

ARTHUR ARBUTHNOT • CRAP SCOUT
Have you ever wondered where Barrow's manager gets all those new players from? Who is travelling the motorways of this fair land spending his Saturdays in some godforsaken spot looking for the young left sided midfield player that will get Barrow out of the UniBond? Why, it's none other than the unsung hero of Barrow AFC caught here on his mobile phone talking to Owen Brown. We are pleased to be able to introduce to you...
"Hi boss. Yeah, nice day. What? Uh, yeah. What? Naw, poor game. But I saw a good player you might be interested in. Goalie. Yeah. Well you know that fella Deegan? Needs to lose a bit of weight? And improve his catching? Yeah. What? I never said that about him. Anyway, I've seen this new goalie. Goes by the name of Moore. Where did I see him? In Wales. Plays for Bangor City. I know that's where I saw Deegan. But he's better than Deegan. Age? He's 31. No, he's not over the hill. Don't worry, he's not Welsh. And he isn't interested in sheep. Comes from Worcester City. And he's been at Southport and Witton. Yeah. Great goalie. He'll create the competition in the squad that you've been looking for. "Oh, boss, while I was at Witton, watching their training session, I saw a super midfield player. Great ball distribution. Young lad, 24. His name? Fahey. No Fahey, F-A-H-E-Y. Yeah. He's good, but he'll cost you. 'Bout £3,500, but I can knock 'em down a grand in return for my usual bung. Sounds good? You bet. He'll bring a bit of quality to your squad. Cowps knows, you need it. He's a good player of the ball. Gets up and down the field. What's that you said? So does the linesman? Very funny. You know what I mean. What else can he do? Who, the linesman? Put his flag up. Oh, Fahey, yeah. He's got a bit of drive. Gets stuck in, if you know worramean, like. No, he's not played for eight weeks. Spot of ligament damage. Cleared up now though. You won't regret it, boss. "Bumped into Graham Heathcote a couple of days back. No, I don't know why the Barrow fans hate him so much either. What was he doing? Watching a young midfield player by the name of Keeley. 20. Big lad. Six foot two. Midfield player. Did I say that? Sorry. What's that? If Heathcote thinks he's good, go for him? Yeah, okay, but he's got no pedigree, boss. That's what the fans think. Oh, you don't mean Heathcote. Okay. Whatever you say. Tell the press you plucked him from obscurity. "Defenders? Yeah, I know you're leaking goals. Geddit? Leaking? Leek? Never mind. I've got a defender for you. Can't say where I saw him, but it was Southport, They don't want him. No, he's not crap. Eyre. No, not like you breathe. E-Y-R-E. That's right. He's experienced. Can't say what he's experienced in. Ha, ha! Yeah, freebie. I'll get him for you. "Got to go now, boss. Yeah, police car following me. They don't like mobiles. Yeah, I'll get the players. No problem. See ya."
Four weeks later... "Whoa, hold on there, boss. I didn't say that. Wow, calm down. Don't yell at me like that. It's not my fault. Well, I thought he was okay. I didn't say he was good, exactly. What did I say? Er, probably, well, it was you that wanted a new goalie. I didn't tell you to dump Deegan. That was your decision. You pressured me into finding another goalie quickly. It's not easy you know. They don't grow on trees. He's cost you two cup games? Well, one of them was only the UniBond League Cup. Who beat you? Radcliffe Borough? Who are they? And Bradford Park Avenue dumped you out of the Trophy? And Moore, the goalie I recommended was at fault for the goals? Aw, c'mon, Owen. I can't get it right every time. What do you mean, I never get it right? Well, these players from Wales get a bit rusty playing amongst the sheep. Start to think of woolly jumpers. No, that wasn't a very good joke. "Take the full back? Who? McAuley? Good player. Yeah, I know I didn't suggest him, but I was going to. Just as soon as I got up to Lancaster to see him. Like I didn't get to Chorley to tell you about Marginson? Aw, boss, that's awfully hard. I'd just written my report on the lad when I heard you'd signed him. No, I wasn't going to ignore him. What do you want me to take? Air? Is that a joke, boss, 'cos I don't get it. Oh, Eyre, the full back I got you last month. He's what? Well give him time. You've released him after two games? That's a bit premature, Owen old chap, know worramean, like. What about the youngster? Keeley? You never used him? Aw boss, that's a terrible waste of good, young talent. He was crap? Well, he seemed to have potential when I saw him. "Yeah, okay Owen. Left sided midfield player. Yeah got it. I'm off to see Prescot Cables now. Yeah. I'll get one for you. Just leave it to me. Got to go now. Games to see, players to assess. Know how it is, like."
Early August, just before the start of the season... "Hi Owen! How ya bin, me old mucker? Enjoy your holiday? You didn't go anywhere. Neither did I. Been busy weighing up some prospects for you. How's the taxi business going? Picked up any good fares lately? Oh, you don't have much time on the road because you're too busy running that football team. I see. Well, beggars can't be choosers, can they, Owen me old mate. Hey, heard the one about the taxi driver and the prostitute? You haven't got time for that now? How come you know that's the punch line? No flies on you, Owen, is there? "How're those players I got for you last season? Some good 'uns there, eh? You've got rid of them! What, all of them? Blimey. You don't mess about, do you. What's that? Oh, you want to know if I've seen any good defenders. Thought you had some already, that tall lad, whatsisname, er, Parker and the other one, Harrold. They've gone. Oh, right. Thought you'd say that, somehow. Well, let's see. Got a good midfielder. Leek's captain. But you couldn't afford him. Funny name. Bauress. Sounds like a German or Scandinavian to me. Yeah, he's pretty good. Oh, you want him. Right. But can you afford him? You can! Because you sold Andy Green! WHAT! YOU SOLD ANDY GREEN!! TO WHO? TO DROYLSDEN!!! I don't believe it. Owen, mate, you're cracking up. What d'you go and do that for? Oh, I see. Right. "So it's an attacker you'll be needing? Got one. Wright. What? No, I didn't say right, I said Wright. That's the lad's name. Yeah. Good 'un. Teenage goalscoring sensation. Played with Wrexham reserves. Probably get him on a freebie for you. He's dynamite in the area. Yeah, course he's strong on the ball. I wouldn't get a lightweight for you. Trust me. "There's a lad used to be at Macclesfield. Bit of a Morton clone. Knocks 'em in like a good 'un. What? So does Casanova? But he doesn't play football. What you on about, Owen? Oh, it's a joke. Right. Got it. Coates. No, I don't mean go and get one. That's the lad's name. You'll think about it. Okay, you're the boss. "Saw a couple of lads at Prenton Park. Bet you've had a few fares over there Owen, when Liverpool aren't at home. That was my joke Owen. Yeah, okay, it wasn't very funny. Look, Chester City wants one of these lads. Defender. Higgins. No can do, Owen, I promised him to Chester's manager already. Gave him the bung and everything. I can't unmake my promise. I'm an honourable man! You'll send a couple of goons round or else? Oh. Right, you've got him. All part of the service. "What're your tactics this season? Attacking wing backs in a 3-5-2 formation. D'you think that'll work in the UniBond? Sounds like a suicide note to me, Owen. Are you sure? You are. You need a wing back on the left to match McAuley on the right. Yeah, course you do. Got one. Lad called Prior. And another for midfield. Robertson. Tricky ball player. You'll take 'em both. Good. You won't regret it. "Make sure you get in plenty of friendlies so all the new players get to know each other. Yeah. That's my advice. About ten. Yeah. "Got to go now. Mobile's ringing. Probably Kevin Keegan. He's got lots of someone else's money to throw away. Again."
Two months later... "Owen. At last. Been trying to get you for ages. Got lots of prospects for you, mate. You don't want any more of my prospects? Why's that then? That's not a very nice thing to say to your old mate, is it? Higgins was a good buy. Right. As good as Melinda Messenger. Stiffened up your defence. Yeah, I know it's an old joke. You told me it. And his mate, Jones. I didn't recommend him? Yeah, well, just an oversight. You know how it is. Busy, busy. Oh. You don't. Okay, I get the picture. "That Wrexham lad is brushed off the ball too easily. Well, what do you want, Owen. He scores goals. Did I say he was a strong lad? Don't remember saying that, Owen. Must have been a bad line. He's injured? And so's your other striker, Cooper? How about Coates, then. Morton clone. You'll look like you've got twins in your front line. How's that for confusing defenders? I'll get him for you, Owen. He's already yours. Trust me. "You did? Good. Oh, you don't think Prior's an attacking wing back like I said. But Robertson is. Well, like I always say, Owen you're the boss. You play 'em where you want 'em. You can't because McAuley's injured. You're getting a lot of injuries in your team, Owen. Played too many pre-season games, did you? That was my idea as well? Can't win 'em all Owen. Must go. Got a rendezvous in a service station on the M6. See ya."
Not, we suspect, if Owen Brown sees you first. And Arthur Arbuthnot, crap scout, disappears into the sunset leaving no stone unturned in the search for the players that will win the UniBond for Barrow. Issue 030 - April 1997 and issue 032 - November 1997