Give ’Em Beans! - Rest of the Best

The GIVE 'EM BEANS! WOMEN's PAGE

edited by Ophelia Balls

Welcome to the first ever G'EB! Womens' Page. Whether you're a woman, a man, or something in between, you're all welcome! It is not intended that this section should be a ghetto from which men and other creatures are excluded. So don't touch that mouse! The Ed and the wonderful On Line Ed thought that an antidote might be needed to the testosterone charged pages that comprise this marvellous website. And to be honest, I agree with them. You can have too much of a good thing, although the readers of this publication won't be suffering from that particular problem. After all, watching eleven fully grown men charging around a football field in pursuit of a spherical object which they try to put into a net at one end of the pitch is not the most relaxing way of spending your Saturday afternoons. Far better to spend your time having a good mooch around the shops. Now that's what I call relaxing. Why do men (and it has to be said, some women), spend so much time watching football? Cowps only knows. But they do. Anyway, there's enough football on the rest of the site. On this page, we do something different.

So what have we got for you? Well, ever fancied a new you? Want to take ten years off your looks in ten weeks? I can hear you already. You're all yelling yes, yes and yes again! I want to change. You don't want the same old you. You want a new you. You want to be cool and beautiful and slim and fit and healthy and happy.

So I've been reading every re-invent yourself article going and now I can pass on a full set of tips...

Don't give up smoking. If you smoke, you're probably very good at it. Better, in fact, than almost anyone else you know. If you give up, you'll ruin your self esteem. However, try to resolve to have your first fag of the day after you've got out of bed. Or, if not that, at least until you're sitting up and you've got your eyes open and have something to hand to use as an ashtray apart from your slipper.

As part of your ongoing fitness programme, strap a cigarette to your face so that your hands are free for exercises that involve wearing a leotard, kneeling down, then extending one leg off the floor to a lifted straight position until you can feel the muscle in your buttocks working.

Don't think negative thoughts about your long term partner, or spend your afternoons wandering around the twin beds department of Stollers' Furniture World. Focus on the positive and write a list of all his good points. That is if you can think of any. Also, try to be nice to him by saying things like, "Darling, I think it's wonderful the way you spend all weekend watching football on the telly, or going out to a match, then coming home to study the scores and tables on Teletext, while I do the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. Oh, and the decorating. Plus the gardening. You really are a treasure. What would I do without you?"

Develop an interesting line in small talk so that, at parties, people who come up to talk to you don't quickly say, "I must just nip to the loo," and you never see them again. Don't open conversations with the opposite sex using lines like, "If you could snog anyone here, who would it be?' Unless you're a man, in which case take one step backwards. The woman you're talking to is quite likely to throw up.

Buy proper body lotions and stop using any old thing that sounds like it might be moisturising. Like WD40.

YOUR HOUSEWORK QUERIES ANSWERED

No.1 WASHING MACHINES

Have you ever wondered what all those programmes on your washing machine actually are? Everything in our house gets done at 40°C. Woollens? 40°C. Dry clean only? 40°C. Whites? 40°C. Colours? 40°C. Leopard skin slippers? 40°C. Small children who are really getting on your nerves? 40°C.

I have no idea what the 'F' button is for, or the one that has two squiggly lines under it, or the one that says 'P-Wash' and sounds like it may be for certain items of soiled clothing. But I must find out if only because I'm ruining quite a lot of my clothes.

Take for example the nice, white, fluffy sweater that I got from M&S. You know the one, because everyone's got one nowadays. They're simply divine. And what does it say on the label? Handwash only. So what does that mean in our house? 40°C. And the result? A fluffy white sweater that has developed a severe case of bald patches so that when worn, it makes you look like a very sad poodle whose chances at Crufts have been minimised by the attentions of a mad pet parlour worker on cocaine.

Last time I wore the sweater, my partner even threw me a stick and shouted "Go get it, Fido."

The twin beds are being delivered tomorrow.

Issue 030 - April 1997

The GIVE 'EM BEANS! WOMEN's PAGE edited by Ophelia Balls
Welcome to the first ever G'EB! Womens' Page. Whether you're a woman, a man, or something in between, you're all welcome! It is not intended that this section should be a ghetto from which men and other creatures are excluded. So don't touch that mouse! The Ed and the wonderful On Line Ed thought that an antidote might be needed to the testosterone charged pages that comprise this marvellous website. And to be honest, I agree with them. You can have too much of a good thing, although the readers of this publication won't be suffering from that particular problem. After all, watching eleven fully grown men charging around a football field in pursuit of a spherical object which they try to put into a net at one end of the pitch is not the most relaxing way of spending your Saturday afternoons. Far better to spend your time having a good mooch around the shops. Now that's what I call relaxing. Why do men (and it has to be said, some women), spend so much time watching football? Cowps only knows. But they do. Anyway, there's enough football on the rest of the site. On this page, we do something different. So what have we got for you? Well, ever fancied a new you? Want to take ten years off your looks in ten weeks? I can hear you already. You're all yelling yes, yes and yes again! I want to change. You don't want the same old you. You want a new you. You want to be cool and beautiful and slim and fit and healthy and happy. So I've been reading every re-invent yourself article going and now I can pass on a full set of tips... Don't give up smoking. If you smoke, you're probably very good at it. Better, in fact, than almost anyone else you know. If you give up, you'll ruin your self esteem. However, try to resolve to have your first fag of the day after you've got out of bed. Or, if not that, at least until you're sitting up and you've got your eyes open and have something to hand to use as an ashtray apart from your slipper. As part of your ongoing fitness programme, strap a cigarette to your face so that your hands are free for exercises that involve wearing a leotard, kneeling down, then extending one leg off the floor to a lifted straight position until you can feel the muscle in your buttocks working. Don't think negative thoughts about your long term partner, or spend your afternoons wandering around the twin beds department of Stollers' Furniture World. Focus on the positive and write a list of all his good points. That is if you can think of any. Also, try to be nice to him by saying things like, "Darling, I think it's wonderful the way you spend all weekend watching football on the telly, or going out to a match, then coming home to study the scores and tables on Teletext, while I do the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. Oh, and the decorating. Plus the gardening. You really are a treasure. What would I do without you?" Develop an interesting line in small talk so that, at parties, people who come up to talk to you don't quickly say, "I must just nip to the loo," and you never see them again. Don't open conversations with the opposite sex using lines like, "If you could snog anyone here, who would it be?' Unless you're a man, in which case take one step backwards. The woman you're talking to is quite likely to throw up. Buy proper body lotions and stop using any old thing that sounds like it might be moisturising. Like WD40.
YOUR HOUSEWORK QUERIES ANSWERED No.1 WASHING MACHINES
Have you ever wondered what all those programmes on your washing machine actually are? Everything in our house gets done at 40°C. Woollens? 40°C. Dry clean only? 40°C. Whites? 40°C. Colours? 40°C. Leopard skin slippers? 40°C. Small children who are really getting on your nerves? 40°C. I have no idea what the 'F' button is for, or the one that has two squiggly lines under it, or the one that says 'P-Wash' and sounds like it may be for certain items of soiled clothing. But I must find out if only because I'm ruining quite a lot of my clothes. Take for example the nice, white, fluffy sweater that I got from M&S. You know the one, because everyone's got one nowadays. They're simply divine. And what does it say on the label? Handwash only. So what does that mean in our house? 40°C. And the result? A fluffy white sweater that has developed a severe case of bald patches so that when worn, it makes you look like a very sad poodle whose chances at Crufts have been minimised by the attentions of a mad pet parlour worker on cocaine. Last time I wore the sweater, my partner even threw me a stick and shouted "Go get it, Fido." The twin beds are being delivered tomorrow.
Issue 030 - April 1997

The GIVE 'EM BEANS! WOMEN's PAGE

edited by Ophelia Balls

YOUR HOUSEWORK QUERIES ANSWERED

No.1 WASHING MACHINES

Issue 030 - April 1997