REFEREE McFUDDLE ...in which Joe casts a critical eye over the 1994 World Cup
Did you see Diana Bros miss that penalty? To think we taught them the ruddy game, a bunch of foreigners diving around like snails trying to to con the officials. The first game was the bloke that strawed the camel's back for me, so don't ask me who won... I was watching a Clint Driftwood 'cowy' on the other side. It's a well known fact of course that England would have won had Konmann of the Neverlands been sent off in the qualifying matches. But spare a thought, dear reader for the referee in that game... now a social outcast in a leper colony off Nepal. He made a mistake, true, but remember that 'to err is human' and we are all, none of us, human. For example, the officer who assured his troops during the Crimean War that 'the enemy couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...', pop star Chaka Demus who is forever losing his pliers, and let's not forget the someone who gave Graham Trenchcoat a job at Barrow. And let's not forget our own dear Editor who makes the mistake of promising a 'bumper Xmas issue' every year to no avail. With constant rule changing it is more likely than ever that us blowers will make mistakes. We're looking for backpasses, kicking the ball away and the pro foul, then someone comes lying doggo with St. Elbow's Fire off the ball. Vic Callous summed it all up last season when he had to send off Les Ferdigland for a technicality. "Off you go, Les." Wise words, Vic. Other big names were to follow... Kanchelskis, Higginbotham, and they don't come much bigger than that!
"The ref ruined the Cup Final... it was never a penalty." Every armchair 'expert' said it... Esther Rantzen, Thora Hird, Alex Ferguson, to name but a few. It makes my blood boil, all this criticism, humiliation and ritual abuse of football officials. Patrons of our own Ray Wilkins Stand, or Temple of Profound Knowledge as it is known are as bad as any. So if you're sitting there now in your ex-Blackburn Rovers seat, look under it, there could be a few hundred quid there! But before you begin this season's ref roasting, here are some basic rules about the offside law... A player cannot be offside if... a) he is in his own half of the field b) there are at least two of his opponents closer to their own goal line than he is c) he receives the ball direct from a goal kick, corner kick, throw-in or drop ball. ...as opposed to the Temple rules of 'A player cannot be offside if...' a) his name is John Brady c) Barrow are a goal down b) the linesman is overweight Got it...? Good!
So then, the lights dim and the carpet rises on another season and as you stand there munching this article and leafing through your pre-match pie you wonder what the coming weeks will reveal. As usual at this time of year we have a new regime... 'Hezza' Heskcoat, 'Fazza' Farewell and 'Clozzer' Cloudsburst (these ruddy nicknames nowadays! Paul Gasworks has a lot to answer for!). Hezza hazza been making all the right noises so far and sounds like a man burning with ambition and destined for the top. But for an old cynic like me he has already commited a cardinal sin. "The squad will train together..." Now where have I heard that before? It may not be a nail in the coffin, but it's certainly ordering the pine. But funnier still, I believe him! At least, nobody can accuse me of being an old cynic. It seems to be a trend lately that because of their abilities within strict budgets the top non-Football League managers are poached regularly by big League clubs. This will probably happen to our new supremo Mr. Heskcoat after two success packed years here at Holker Hall, so here are my red hot, long shot, Pol Pot tips for the far distant vacancy... John Brady - 2/1 Bob Brady - 3/1 Liam Brady - 4/2 Karren Brady - 6/9 Ian Brady - 9/99 Crazy name, crazy family... But I would like to take this opportunity to thank our ex-manager Mick Cloudsburst for his admiral work with limited resources last season... a Stirling effort. I learn from a 'Star Profile' in the local press that Mick is a fanatic of rave music and an obsessive peanut eater... a raving nutter you might say, and lots did.
I feel a bit like Ronnie Corbett here (only my glasses are thicker) but... some late news just in for the new season... the FA have issued a directive to all football clubs in the UK that as from this season only segmented apples, pears or grapefruit may be offered to players as half time refreshment as apparently some bigwig high up at Lancaster Moor doesn't like oranges. Let us look forward then to a season of great football, unlimited achievements, silverware and pride. Let's also not forget Barrow and turn up regularly to watch those blue birds scale the dizzy heights... let's soar!!! Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do, I'm half crazy...
'til next time, remember... the ball shall be spherical, Joe McFuddle Issue 020 - August 1994