- Scatter eleven statues around your living room to
represent the Barrow team. Subbuteo figures are
acceptable, provided they are in blue and white.
- Construct a wind tunnel in your living room to
simulate the gales that blow in off the Irish Sea. If you
don't have the necessary equipment, just open the front
and back doors and all the windows in your house.
- Alternatively you can simulate the weather by
standing under a freezing cold shower for ninety
minutes.
- Put a derelict caravan in the corner of your kitchen.
From it, sell rancid burgers which have been on the
hotplate for a week.
- From the same caravan, sell cups of tea, or to be
more precise, polystyrene cups of water with a little dab
of white powder (No, not that kind of white powder.
Online Ed.).
- Get some of your mates to engage in a ninety minute
meditation session to recreate the atmosphere on the
terraces.
- Announce the team news. There should be at least ten
changes to the team listed in the programme.
- Construct a four walled concrete structure with no
roof and attach a sign saying 'Gents'. Pour ten gallons
of water into said structure to get the full sensory
effect. Ensure water cannot drain away.
- Play the Belinda Carlisle record 'Hell (sic) is a
Place on Earth' at least half a dozen times. Health
Warning: Prolonged exposure to this song may result in
manic depression and/or paranoid schizophrenia, coupled
with an overwhelming desire to be more familiar with said
singer.
- Get somebody to walk about with a ball in one hand
and a book of raffle tickets in the other, and make sure
that hardly anyone buys a ticket from him.
Michael Gibson
Issue 024 - January 1996
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